can't stop eating

life of a student

2008-03-01T06:02:00.000-08:00

horoscope of the day:

The Bottom Line

The restrictions you have put on yourself recently might have been too stringent.

In Detail

The restrictions you have put on yourself recently might have been too stringent, and it might be time for you to loosen up a little bit. You don't have to be so hard on yourself to achieve your goals. Sometimes, you need to start encouraging yourself instead of pushing yourself! The only person you really have to satisfy is you, so cut yourself some slack! Go out and have some fun today. Goof off. Remind yourself not to take life so seriously -- you'll be wowed by what you've accomplished!

well, it may be quite true. but i can't afford to loosen myself up. block tests are coming up and i'm very worried about it. seriously, i have officially surrendered my life to studies. i have claimed that i have no life and am a slave for education. it's a sad, exhausting and lonely life. but i guess i have to bear with it and be a stronger person than i am before. i can't give up! and i won't give up! JO, YOU CAN DO IT!!!

ANNOYED WITH LIFE

2008-02-26T06:04:00.001-08:00

You know what?

I'm starting to hate life, hate school, and hate my parents.

Mum's not talking to anyone. But I don't really care about it. She's starting a cold war with the family on her own. Super annoyed by it! WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER, MAN!

i dread school as usual. homework has been piling up and there isn't enough time for me to study my tests and exams! i want to do well but i feel that i've reached my limits and have less motivation to advance anymore. how useless can i get in life?

I'm so annoyed with everything! I feel so pressurised! I'm tired and i just want a long break where i can take a breather and calm myself. I really hate how things is now. Nothing seems motivational to me. I feel so down...

random pictures

2008-01-30T09:07:00.000-08:00

COFFEE PRINCE

2008-01-30T07:29:00.000-08:00

I just read my horoscope for the day and i think it's kind of true.
here's what it says:

The Bottom Line

The similarities you share with a friend are getting too intense. Get distance.

In Detail

The similarities you share with your close friends are getting so intense that you're starting to feel like you're part of a set of triplets or twins! Before you lose all sense of your own identity (or worse -- that new cutie doesn't know who you really are), step away from the group and make your own mark on the world today. Wearing matching outfits, constant text messaging, and being attached at the hip are fine every now and then, but today you need to be your own person!

I guess i know who the person is. But he still hasn't contacted me the whole day. So i guess i'm pretty safe from saving my own identity. Sometimes, i do think that Jet and i have loads of similarities and yet loads of differences at the same time. But maybe, it's time for me to be less dependent on him when i'm feeling down or moody and needs someone to comfort me. It's time i need to be strong to ignore all my negative feelings and be focus! JIA YOU, JO!!! YOU CAN DO IT!

I've got loads of work to do. But i've been feeling very unmotivated for this whole week. Sometimes, it's so bad that i don't feel like looking or touching them. Sometimes, i just stared blankly at them and feel so frustrated about my attitude towards work. Sometimes, i just feel empty without them and yet still feel insecure not doing them. I'm such a troublesome person, with so many complicated feelings that i myself don't even understand. I guess this is what people call growing up in your teenage years.

And sometimes, it makes me want to be so much younger and so much older at the same time.

How ironic...

Enough of my feelings.
I've been feeling moody the whole day and as usual, i used a facade to hide it in front of everyone in school. It's the last episode of COFFEE PRINCE today. and i feel both happy and sad at the same time. Happy, because i've finally watched COFFEE PRINCE to the very end. Sad, because my everyday motivation and looking forward has ended. Now, i'm seriously lost and unmotivated. I don't know what to look forward to till the end of the day for tomorrow and the days to come. My only leisure time for the day has ended. I feel so sad. BOOHOO!!! =[

I WANT COFFEE PRINCE!
I LOVE COFFEE PRINCE!
I WANT COFFEE PRINCE!
I LOVE COFFEE PRINCE!

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COMPARISONS

2008-01-25T08:35:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, people just don't understand how you feel. about yourself, about what people think about you and about how you portray yourself to others. even the closest people [my family] don't understand what I'm suffering through with all the comparisons in school.

it just makes me feel so demoralized sometimes. like I'm always the ugly duckling and my siblings are the cream of the crop, the beautiful swans and princesses.

so what if i have a dull, boring, fierce and unfriendly look. so what if i'm boyish, unglam or whatever you can name it. i'm just who i am and stop comparing me with my sis! don't you know that your words hurts the person who is listening to it. it's making me feel so bad about myself that sometimes i just don't want to talk to anyone or even don't feel like going to school to avoid them.

does it make you happy to see me not being confident? does it make you happy to make me feel upset over how i look? if it is, then you have fulfilled your goal in making me feel all the bads about myself.

maybe i'm just being oversensitive about people's comments on me. maybe i look too much into the way people think or see me. maybe i can't take the words of others lightly. i always have to think about the bad side of what they are trying to say. but it does hurt when comments like "looks like all the good genes have gone into your sister and not you", "you know your sis have this perk up look and you've got this boring sian sian look", and "your sister is prettier than you". All these comments just keep coming to me and it's unavoidable. I don't want to lose a friendship or flare up at others over such a small comment. but if lots are coming into you, it makes these unhappy emotions in me accumulate and contributes to me being not as confident as i was before. Furthermore, i have to face the person, whom people keep comparing me with, everyday. and guess what? just like when i was young, i still don't want my sister to come to the same school as me. but nevertheless, she's always stuck with me. I thought i have already overcome this problem of mine about the comparisons. But i was wrong. IT JUST TOTALLY MAKE ME FEEL SO DEMORALIZE. LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF LOSER TO THEM.

i'm trying not to take words from others too seriously. like what CINDY told me "be optimistic and don't bother what others say. you're living your life what. just don't care about them. ignore ignore ignore"

i feel comfortable with those words. i need to learn to ignore sometimes. or else there may come a point one day that i don't want to talk to or interact with anyone or even be friends with anyone ever.

so JUST STOP IT!

Inferior

2008-01-15T08:56:00.000-08:00

I'm depressed.

and i know the reasons why.

i'm down.

and i'm holding on a facade to hide it.

i'm moody.

but i just don't know how to show it.

all smiles in school.

but left alone, i'm crying inside.

i hate this feeling.

but i just can't help it.

I feel inferior.

SOMEONE! SAVE ME!

Seeker

2008-01-12T20:35:00.000-08:00

I seek comfort in my cousins, especially JET, JOANNE and WILLOW.
They're the greatest.
And I feel love with them.

Now, I know who to turn to when I'm down.
Who cares about what people say!
Jojo, keep your positive spirit up!

=]

I HATE MYSELF

2008-01-07T08:31:00.000-08:00

First day of proper school lessons have just started today. I'm feeling a little restless and moody right now. I just sense that i won't be able to cope with the things i want to achieve and the things i need to achieve. in simple words, i feel like a total loser right now.

well, today was a long day with lectures, tutorials, pe and wushu. I want to achieve my goals of obtaining a healthy and fit lifestyle that will not affect my studying methods and my academic grades. but i just find it so hard to change my lifestyle just like that. it's like whenever i'm stress, i'll just reach out to the fridge and get some food to munch. and i really mean MUNCH! Furthermore, i don't feel confident of myself as much as i am before. i think i'm suffering from image disorder or something. but seriously, i think i'm fat and unflattering. after knowing that i've gain so much weight and have developed a disproportional figure, i feel like a total fat ass giant.

People will start telling me about my height and all. But i'll still feel that same way. I understand why i'm feeling like this but i just can't help controlling my feelings especially when it comes to these situations where i'm caught in a world of countless homework which i'm struggling to cope and loads of emotional feelings in my mind which i can't control. ARGH!

Seriously, i need someone to talk to right now. someone to encourage me to work out and to study hard to achieve my goals. someone to boost me on to be an all-rounder which has always been my dream ever since young. I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO TALK! JET!!!

ARGH! I HATE MYSELF NOW.

HAPPY 2008!

2008-01-05T14:31:00.000-08:00

HELLO PEOPLE!

it's been awhile since i last blogged. well, the summer camp in melbourne was awesome and seriously fun! i've made quite a number of friends from different countries and experienced lots of cool and uncool events there. the scenery at ace-hi ranch was the most sightful and beautiful view i've ever seen. the weather there was cold (You don't perspire when you exercise there) and the flies were super irritating. but other than that, every other experiences there was totally awesome.

well, i've got lots of things to talk about melbourne but since it's the new year i should talk about some recent events which started off 2008 and school.

1 week before New Year
I spent the entire week with the cousins which was a fantastic goodbye to 2007. We has chalet, which was a total failure in organisation due to lack of funds. I stayed over at Cindy's house to straighten my hair, which by now has already curl back a little. Also, we went swimming at Jurong East Swimming Park and has a super duper uber great time there that we didn't want to go home even though we were dead tired.

New Year and New Year's Eve
New Year and New Year's Eve were not really a blast for me this year. Basically, I spent counting down with my pile of undone holiday homework with Jet via online. We were rushing through as many holiday homework as possible and I lasted the longest. Jet slept while doing his homework, as expected. I didn't even get to watch any fireworks or even go to any nice place with the cousins. That seems kind of pathetic.

So i slept pretty late on January the 1st of 2008 and had to wake up early in the morning to go to school and prepare for JC1 Orientation Azimuth. As expected, I woke up late at about 6.15am and went to school with Ying, Mum, Boy, Teng and Pa as our chauffeur. It's Teng's first day in my school and she seems kind of excited. But I was pretty worried about being late and seriously rachel called me like so many times to rush me to school. And so, I finally reached school at about 7am which is considered late for an OGL. haha.

Since Atlas 7 got seperated, I was allocated to Atlas 1 which I have no idea who the OGLs are. But they were nice people from the very moment i met them. Atlas 1 totally rock the house. They were the most ON group i've ever met with zuhairi offering to volunteer every single event that needed participation on stage. haha. then darren was the hot guy in the group that most OGLs were talking about. Plus, he speak with an accent which made english sound so interesting. haha. [ok, i'm pretty surprise that i just typed the previous sentence. haha.] Then, there was kai hui, this quiet girl who looks pretty cool with her spike hair. And there's sarah, who is a mixed blood [chinese + japanese + swedish] and seriously has very beautiful big sharp eyes and a very sweet smile. There's also Eillot, the boy who can draw spongebob and can sing in choir audition. Haha. Well, I remembered the rest but i'm pretty lazy to type down every single one of them. So, i'm stopping here about Atlas 1.

Oh, and I stayed at Jet's place yesterday because the train service ended after Atlas 1 dinner. I was seriously dying, dragging my feet to the MRT to take the train home when I saw the screen above my head saying "Train service ended". I didn't want to take the taxi home due to the lack of cash and Regina happened to be at the train station. So the idea of staying at Jet's place struck me as my rescue plan to not sleep at the streets. Hence, I made my way to Jet's place with Regina's accompaniment [because she stays near Jet's]. Well, I met Jet at the bus stop and we went to get Mr Softee before heading back to his house. I was so tired that i slept on the sofa while watching tv with Jet chatting away. Then, he woke me up and I slept on the mattress on the floor and woke up the next day at around 12pm. Haha. I'm such a pig!

At around 3pm, Jet and I left house and went to White Sands to meet Nad to take the train. They were going to the airport to complete their homework. I didn't really have my homework with me so I turn off their offer. So they alighted at Tanah Merah, while i continued my train ride to Eunos and back home. And once again, the pig in me activated again and i slept all the way from about 4pm to 8pm.

Watched a few tv programmes after waking up and now, here I am using the com and finishing econs elearning. Seriously, the elearning slides are super disorganised! They don't telly with the teacher's talking. Plus, I had to take the trouble of looking and copying all the slides before listening to the teacher's lecture. And this took me about 3hours or more. Argh!

Well, this entry is yet another boring entry. I hope i'll be able to post up pictures here once in a while to entertain myself and some readers who actually read my long and whiny entries. I gtg now. i'll try to update as much as possible but i think it's quite impossible with lessons and exams starting. Bye now! =]

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO MY COUSINS!
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO MY FRIENDS!
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL EARTHLINGS!

HOLIDAY STRESS

2007-11-27T12:13:00.000-08:00

Dear faeriefable

It's super early in the morning (4.15am now) and i haven't has a single sleep at all. I'm so so so worried about the melbourne trip. i've just started packing and i've found out that there's a lot of things to be done and packed. i don't even know how heavy is my luggage now! there's so many rules and restrictions to follow when packing the luggage. and it's super messy!

i'm settled with my formal wear already but i'm still not settled with the clothes i'm going to wear there. i want to bring so many things but i feel so uneasy about the stuff i'm bringing there. it seems that i'm bringing too many things over! i've been washing quite a number of clothes just to bring them over to australia. i don't even think my attire is proper because it seems that all the t-shirts that i'm bringing are black in colour! how great can that be when it's summer in melbourne! argh! i'm going to perspire like mad! so i'm waiting for the lighter colour clothes to dry now.

there's wushu training and class chalet tmr. i doubt i'll be able to stay in the chalet because of the unsettled things i have to do for the aussie trip. i still need to ask papa to come home and cook bee hoon for the class chalet. man! i'm in super duper deep trouble. holiday homeworks are still not done and i've only got 2 weeks to complete them when i come back from australia. should i even bring some over? i'll think about that later after i catch some sleep. -sigh-

i think mum is right. she's been nagging me to pack since last week and now i'm doing everything the last minute. i'm such a loser for not listening to her. i even went to cindy's house to stay for 1 day twice! mum doesn't even let me bring the laptop to australia so how am i going to do all the homework?!?! there's even h3 math and e-learning to catch up with! argh! tell me i'm going to suffer a major stress when i come back! i should really bring some work over man! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i've changed my wallet already so that it will be neater. it's been ages since i've used a new wallet. my previous wallet lasted me from primary school until now! haha. i'm super nostalgic about my memories which includes my wallet. i think i'm going to change back to the old wallet when i get back. haha.

man! man! man! i'm super worried! i can't sleep and i'm hungry! i sense something bad going to happen tmr! i'm be super stress and frustrated tmr, trying to settle all the stuff and getting my luggage packed by then. i still have to settle the class chalet stuff and also go for wushu training. AH! SOMEBODY, PLEASE SAVE ME!

jet's back from hong kong and didn't even contact me when he's back. how mean can he be man! i'm flying soon and he's still hasn't contacted me! i don't even dare to message him because i'm afraid he's still in hong kong and i'll have to pay the extra charges for the messages. (i'm super cheapo.) argh! seriously need a lending ear for me to complain at now! and that will be mr jet han kun ding! argh!!! where are you man! AH!

ok i got to calm myself down and get some rest. i'm left with 1 1/2 hours to sleep before i wash up and prepare for wushu training. man! hope tmr papa will fetch me to school. -sigh- gtg then! bye!

FREE AT LAST!

2007-11-18T21:58:00.000-08:00

Dear faeriefable

I'm back to blog! everything's almost settled now and i'm pretty much free these few days. NRP's over! PW's over! and a whole load of other stuff is over! and that's all left is packing my luggage and my bag for camp, chalet, and MELBOURNE!!!

oh my gosh! i'm so excited! I'M GOING TO MELBOURNE!!! woohoo! haha. there will be so much fun awaiting for me! however, the group of students going to melbourne will have to put up a performance which have not been confirmed yet. man! i think i'm so going to lose my face over there. haha.

well, i'm still troubling over what to wear for the formal wear in melbourne. I DON'T WANT TO WEAR A DRESS! it's just to EMPTY! i feel so uneasy wearing a dress but the criteria for the formal wear is that girls have to wear a dress and boys a suit. man! why must they do this to me! it's just 2 nights of dinner! argh! haha.

anyway, year end bash is over and the photos are up at rachel's photo album. so do please visit and take a look at the fun and boring stuff that we had for that night. Also, ms tee's married!!! so happy for her! i can't make it to her wedding because of the dumb dumb NRP presentation. but i've seen her photo in her wedding dress at weeling's blog! she's so pretty! now she's a mrs lim! haha. CONGRATULATIONS MS TEE/MRS LIM!!! MAY YOU BE BLESSED WITH LOADS OF KIDS AND HAPPY MOMENTS!

Jet's going to hong kong soon. so he'll be also packing his luggage! haha. the cousins have met up last week at east coast park for a feast at lagoona village where our uncle's shop is located. we had so much fun and food! haha. i'll upload the pictures at a later date. haha.

There's a number of blisters on my feet because of my new shoes. man! they are kind of hard and are always biting my feet! yesterday, it was killing me and i had to limp all the way to rachel's house and back home. made me look like a total handicap. haha.

i think that's all for this post. i know it's kind of crappy but it doesn't matter anyway. haha. gtg now! bye!

CRAPPY RUBBISH

2007-11-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

finally, i'm back! PW is finally over!!! one project down, one more to go! argh! how i dread NRP! it's such a waste of my brain cells. the project simply is not the quality that i've expected from the very start i did it. but, oh well, since it's ending soon, i might as well give it my best. haha.

everyone's enjoying now. and i'm still doing NRP. this is so unfair! i need a social life! i want to go out and go shopping. i want to buy shoes! i need money! i'm broke! and i've been eyeing for that particular shoe for a very long time. man! someone, please save me from all these unfairness! haha.

ok. i'm being rather lame here. but it's a result of all the stress and boredom i've had for the past few weeks. i really want to enjoy with the rest of the peeps but with no money and the NRP, i don't think i can do that all. i'm starting to hate myself for joining this stupid programme. i'll just have to console myself about the benefits i'll get from it. total waste of time! argh!

anyway, i feel like going to east coast park to blade again. i haven't been touching my blades for the whole of last month. oh, my poor blades. you must have miss mama. haha. oh my gosh! i'm being such a bimbo now. stop it jo!

well, the cousins are going out to cycle tmr and i can't go cos i have to go and survey cab drivers at the air port. and papa don't want to help me! how evil can he get! it's for the sake of your child's education! why can't he just understand that! argh! luckily there's jet to accompany me tmr. man! suddenly i feel so scared surveying those cab drivers after what papa have told me. why can't he just tell me the positive things! he's not even helping me and now he's affecting my mind! argh! man! hope everything goes well tmr! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

i want to go cycle with the cousins tmr!!! man!!! someone please teach me how to clone myself. i want to go!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok! i'm going mad. i need to calm myself down. and i've just realised that i'm writing a whole load of rubbish here. what have i become! argh!

I LOVE CHINESE!

2007-10-26T21:33:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i'm finally back to blogging. it's been a busy month. and i'm certain that next month would be yet another hectic month. seriously, i think there isn't even enough time to breathe. OP Chinese OP Chinese OP Chinese. all these are already my limits. and there's still nrp. i don't think i'm going to do well for that. everything is in such a rush! argh!

looks like my hectic life have deterred my sis and bro from coming into a JC. especially MJC.

i've been practicing OP lately. i know my presentation is weird. the way i talk is too expressive. think it's kind of fake also. but i've got no choice. haha. my classmates have been teasing me about my presentation yesterday. it's weird but it's not that bad ok! haha. and argh! how i hate the time limit! 5min and 45 sec is the minimum i can go. damn! why must there be a time limit of 5 MINUTES!!! how am i suppose to present?!?! bothersome!

well, i'm back to chinese. there's chinese A'level on monday! and guess what? i've just started studying TODAY!!! man! i'm so going to be dead! my chinese foundation is not strong enough and i did super badly for chinese promos. man! i think i can't get my A. i want my A!!!! JO! YOU MUST STUDY HARD NOW!!! STUDY CHINESE NOW!!! JIA YOU! GO!

ok. my conscience is telling me to stop blogging now and to start studying chinese. so off i go! I LOVE CHINESE! CHINESE HERE I COME! bye!

brother, i'm sorry.

2007-10-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

my energy level now is in between sleepy and energetic. you can say it's neutral. i'm feeling pretty bored now although i know i got WR to do and lots of other stuff. i feel so messed up now. i'm not organized and i'm dreading school tmr, partly because i have to continue with PW, partly because i don't feel like socializing with the people in class sometimes and partly because i'm getting my results back. i sense some bad grades coming my way and i know chemistry is one of them. i heard from sherman that only 20% of the cohort passed chemistry and i highly doubt that i would be in the 20%. -sigh-

WR is still uncompleted with many things to edit and correct. i'm in a state of confusion about what needs to be done, despite being the leader. i seriously think that i don't have any leadership skills. i'm always so unprepared and disorganized for meetings. so it's needless to say that i did something wrong in my last meeting, where i almost had a conflict with rachel and jasmine because of my unplanned meeting. i'm sorry. i didn't mean to talk to you people that way. i know it's my fault. sorry.

i've done many wrong things this year. maybe i'm not as easy going as i think i would be. i'm not sociable and i'm just a fussy, picky busybody. i find myself irritating and i think people feels that way too. maybe i should just stop talking in school unless necessary. i hate myself for goofing up all the things i did. i just can't stand myself disliking everyone in the world, sometimes. i'm just weird and dumb and i don't want to talk. i'm an unfriendly dude with a facade that says i'm friendly. i just hate myself for existing. argh!

well, i'm saying all these because i said some mean stuff to my brother who just had a birthday celebration at home. everyone in the family went out to have dinner together outside except for me. so i didn't had a proper dinner today, just had cake and 2 museli bars. i didn't really have any appetite today because of the stress piling up in my head. the cake was creamy and i didn't really like it. but my stupid blabber mouth had to say it out loud and upset my brother, who was the one who chose the cake. i didn't really smile when i sang the birthday song either. and my bro just keep asking me "why the sulking face?". i have no answer, just a reply "stress" to end his question. i'm such a bad sister. argh!

sorry boy. i didn't mean to say your cake was bad tasting. it's just my poor appetite. sorry ok? i find some way to make it up to you. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!

yesterday was pretty much a nice day because i had buffet at sakura with the cousins. the food was not fantastic but it was tasty enough. i was so bloated by the end of the day! we walked around HMV and i listened to the latest click five album "modern minds and pastimes". the song "jenny" and "happy birthday" was one of the nicest. the rest was just so-so. then, we took some photos outside HMV and left. Initially, i intended to go home, but jet suggested that i could stay at his house and i said ok. so i made a last minute decision to stay at jet's house. I was so tired that immediately slept when i went into the bedroom. and yes, i didn't bath. totally dirty and gross! but i was too lazy to get up. haha. well, i woke up at 12 noon. it's been such a long time since i slept that long! haha. then, jet and i chilled for a while before i left his house at around 4.30pm. stayovers are always so fun! although this time, we didn't do much cos i slept early and woke up late but still, chilling out together was absolutely pleasant! i want cousin chalet this december holiday!!! woohoo!

well, i should really get some sleep now. i'll end this post with a click five song "happy birthday" to my brother, melvin. i love you and you'll always be my sweet brother who chases the mrt with me every morning! haha. bye!

Happy Birthday - The Click Five

hey you, i know i'm in the wrong
time flies when you're having fun

you wake up another year is gone you're 21
i guess you wanna know
why i'm on the phone
its been a day or so
i know its kinda late
but happy birthday

yeah yeah woah woah
i know you hate me
yeah yeah woah woah
well i miss you too
yeah yeah i know
i know it's kinda late
but happy birthday

so hard when you're far away
its lame but i forgot the days
i wont make the same mistake
i'm so too blame

so now you know
don't hang up the phone
i wish i was at home
i know its way to late
but happy birthday

yeah yeah woah woah
i know you hate me
yeah yeah woah woah
well i miss you too
yeah yeah i know
i know its kinda late
but happy birthday

its not that i don't care
you know i'll make it up to you
if i could i'd be there

yeah yeah woah woah
yeah yeah woah woah
well i miss you too
yeah yeah i know
i know its kinda late
but happy birthday
i know you hate me
yeah yeah woah woah
well i miss you too
yeah yeah i know
i know its kinda late
but happy birthday

to you.

LOVELY GROUP MEMBERS OF MINE!

2007-10-03T05:10:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i'm starting to dread school again. other than pw, i think i'm just wasting time in school, wondering around, hanging out with my classmates and the wushu people to prepare for the open house. i feel competition in school, mainly because of pw. i keep getting questions about how much my group has done, how far has my group progress, how's the written report and a lot of similar questions. it's can be quite irritating at times. i don't think my group's written report is good enough. maybe i'm being a perfectionists again but it's for the good of the group. the impacts are not really done and i have no link to my showcases. i'm pretty much screwed like the rest of the group. argh! pw is giving me all the worries and headaches again. why can't i stop thinking about it! ah!

i think i need to destress. i need my blades. i need to go and blade. stop thinking about it, Jo! we'll do fine! we'll do fine! i have a cooperative team and i know i have their support! so stop worrying about your WR! you'll do fine! we'll do fine! ah!

i'm so glad i have a cooperative team that seems to agrees with me most of the time. and always giving me their opinions and effort to the knowledge. although, i know we sometimes have a little conflicts and misunderstanding, but we never fails to solve it within a short time. i'm very thankful to have them in my team and i love them all! they are good members and they are supportive. i know i have their back and i want them to know that they have my back to lean on to. i want to tell them that we'll go through this difficult time together and have fun while working hard for this project, for this WR and everything. you guys are great! we can do it! and we can survive through and get an EE for everything! JIA YOU PEOPLE!!!

off to blading! i need to destress! bye!

FREEDOM AND SANITY

2007-09-28T01:17:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

finally this is my 150th post! it's so amazing that i'm still updating this blog, although not very frequently. well, today's a break for me after all the hard work for promos. it's actually quite boring. i've been playing pictionary the whole day and also went to search some songs. i'm having this urge to go to the library to borrow books. maybe it's because of jet's influence that i feel like reading. he made reading sound so fun and interesting. i don't like reading but after all the talk that i've been having jet, reading doesn't seem a chore after all. i shall see about that when i go to the library later. haha.

well, trinity college sent me a letter with the application form to fill for the summer camp. so exciting!!! i can't wait to go there! i can't wait to take the plane and make overseas friends! i wonder what's the weather like there! haha. oh my gosh! talking about all this is making all so excited and high! haha. but i still have to see my grades and i really hope to get the scholarship so that it will help me cut costs. i want a room mate too! room mate sound so fun! sound like staying over at my cousin's house! i want stay overs in my holiday! i want chalets and lots and lots of up-coming fun! haha. i want too much i guess.

back to the serious mode. i'm trying to run away. i know it's bad to run away but i'm feeling pretty controlled. i just want to restart the whole Christianity thing. i just want to go back and say that i'm comfortable being a free thinker. i don't want to tell me people that i believe in a religion when i'm not really believing it. instead, i've been questioning Him all the time and sometimes i think it's very rude. i've been suspecting Him, suspecting all his believers and suspecting all his teaching. i'm not saying that the teaching is bad. in fact, it's good and has lots of moral values to impart. but i need evidence. i need to know whether it's true. it's like all talk but no actions. and i don't see Him and i don't feel Him. how do you expect me to believe Him? and i've tried believing and it makes it worse. it makes me feel stupid and dumb. now that i'm sure i want to be a free believer, i feel like telling the people who have made an effort on me in believing Him that i wish to go back to freedom. i want to tell them but i don't know how. and they keep asking me to go to church and worship when i don't believe it. sometimes, the teaching goes against my principles. so i admit that i somehow regret joining them to be a christian. and where is He when i need help? maybe He doesn't even exist. maybe it's just all a lie that everyone got con into. maybe they are deprive of a soul seeker so they look into a religion. and how can He help me in my family situation? i've been facing it since i was young and i don't see much improvements. i don't see mum and dad talking properly for years already. i don't see my broken family mended back. so how can you tell me that He saves me and that he knows what's good for me, when all along i've been facing all these and you're telling me a broken family is good for me and that i will be stronger if i had a broken family? rubbish!

so i've decided to go back to being a free thinker. but the main problem now is how to let my words out to the believers? i know they will feel upset and i don't want them to be upset. yet, i don't want to fake it and pretend. i want to be true. i want them to see me as someone real. can someone tell me how to tell them? this situation is difficult. and they keep telling me to go to church. and they keep telling me to go out with them to chill when i'm always feeling confuse, lost and fake in front of them. i don't want all these! i want them as friends but i don't want to hurt them. JO, TELL THEM AND YOU'LL BE TRUE TO YOURSELVES AND THEM TOO! tell me! i'll tell them soon i guess. soon...
( argh! this christianity thingy is driving me mad! i'm going berserk! i want my sanity back! argh!!! )

i feel like blading! i missed it so much! the breeze, the speed and the fall! haha. it's all so nice! thinking about it, makes me want to blade now. so, off i go blading! bye!

my blades! + fun day with jet!

2007-09-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i know i'm not suppose to be here. i know i should be studying but why can't i get myself away from temptations?!?! my weakness is temptation and i can't overcome it! why! why! why!

jet told me to blog about my last day of fun before my mug time begin and he sure made my day! we went subway for lunch and it was first time ordering subway food! haha. sometimes, i think subway should teach their customers on how to make orders. it's pretty complicated to order their food. haha. but it's good that we get to choose what we want in our sandwiches. haha.

and we had long bus rides! bus ride to queensway shopping center was totally awesome! the view was great and the sense of feeling lost yet knowing where to go was totally magical. i didn't feel any motion sickness for the long bus ride too! maybe it's because i was super excited about buying my blades! yes! i finally bought my blades and love it! the shop was cool! i'm definitely going back there to get my second blades in future. but i'm predicting that this blades will last me for about 2 years! by that time, i would have learned some tricks! haha. i'm so excited about advancing my blading skills! woohoo! haha.

after buying my blades, we went home to put our stuff and get ready to go ECP! oh my! i love ECP! it's so nice! and my first try on my blades was great! i didn't fall at all and jet helped me through rocky paths that my blades couldn't go. he rides the bike while i glide my blades! haha. sounds fun right! we managed to reached our destination but it started to rain. all of a sudden, it felt like a race, blading and cycling in the rain. it was kind of slippery but i managed to get back to macdonald's without falling! haha. however, i did have some blisters on my feet but it's not that painful. no pain no gain, as the saying goes. haha.

the day ended so well. i'm so glad that my last day of fun time ended well. it'll help me survive through this mug time. i'm going to use this as a motivation. that i will have fun time once i go through difficult times. NO PAIN NO GAIN, JO! JIA YOU! YOU CAN DO IT!!!
thanks jet! for the action pack day and the fun that we had together! we can survive through the end of years! JIA YOU! WE CAN DO IT!

well, talking about end of years aka promos, i'm super screwed! i haven't even finish a single subject and my eom is also a problematic matter! i'm so doom! how?!?! what am i doing here, man! you got to study! G0! GO! GO STUDY!!! JIA YOU!!!

ok. i gtg now! mug time! bye!

dedicated to joanne!

2007-08-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i've been feeling very moody since the day i went to rachel's house to make food for the teachers' day party. you could say that i'm putting a strong front in school especially during the teachers' day party. i just kept laughing and fooling around in class, just to hide the solemn side of myself. sometimes, i feel horrible. i'm such a loser.

people in school doesn't seem to be the friends that i expected them to be. maybe i was wrong in the first place to judge them as people who stand up for one another in times of trouble. in fact, they just sit there and watch as you are struggling to shake off the trouble. all of a sudden, i feel so betrayed by them. i feel that they are unreliable and not loyal. well, now i think i have a closer look in them and i'm quite sure that they are labelled as "just friends/classmates" in my heart. i see no one i can count on in class. i'll just have to be independent now. hooray!

well, i've been yearning to talk to someone about friends in school. and just when i needed jet, he's not around. maybe i'm too dependent on him to seek comfort. i've been brooding the whole day. and i feel so less energetic as i used to be. seriously, i think emotional problems are hard to tackle. they really makes you down and useless. but i'm glad i have people who love me for who i am. i'm glad i have my cousins. they are the ones that i'm sure i can seek support. they are what i call loyal and reliable. i love them to bits!

as i've mentioned above, i've been brooding, moaning and feeling moody the whole day. i've been trying to let these emotions out. joanne really saved my day! she's such a wonderful dude! i love her man! i told her every single thing that has been spoiling my day. really felt super comfortable and loved after the chat with her. she's so so so so so so so so supportive! i'm so grateful man! and my horoscope totally agrees to that.

The Bottom Line

Wisdom comes from people who know you well, so get in touch with an old relative.

In Detail

The best kind of wisdom comes from people who know you well, so if you are feeling the urge to start a new relationship with one of your old relatives, then you shouldn't wait to get started. They can help you figure out whatever you are struggling with now. So make a phone call, send them a letter, or walk your fanny up to their front door and find out what they're up to. You two have a powerful link that should be honored and utilized, not neglected.

thank you joanne! love you to bits! i felt so much better after talking to you! you are my saviour for the day, man! love you!!!

my bad attitude towards work

2007-08-12T00:49:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

it's been a long time since i last update. maybe i'm just being plain lazy. moreover, i feel that my family members are reading this blog. hence, i no longer feel the security to say anything here. nonetheless, i'll still keep this blog updated in order to pent up too much feelings and thought in my mind.

well, i think i've changed alot these past few months. and i think it's bad. one side of me tells me that studies is less important than i thought it was before. however, the other side of me tells me it's wrong to think that way and that studies is still very important in my life. i've slacked too much. i've become too complacent after mid years. i'm back to holiday moods; eating, sleeping, watching tv and using the com for no reason. moreover, this time i think it's becoming worse. i've started to seek the outside world to keep myself busy. i'm starting to make going out as a habit and i think i've got to cut this habit. it's bad. i have better things to do. i can't keep going out and lead this slacker life. this is bad. this is so bad!!!

i've been going to kangli's church every saturday. i'm still lost and i don't know if i've made the right choice. sometimes, i keep thinking of what rachel told me the other time. she said church is like a place where they brainwash you. and to tell the truth, i agree to that. i don't know why. but sometimes, i think He doesn't exist. it's just an imagination that people think. it's just the mentality of the believer. it's like a big lie that everyone believed. i don't know. i'm afraid of commitment and people in church just keep asking me to meet up with them to go for care group, to talk to them and to let them explain more about Him. sometimes, i have this thinking that i have better things to do. that being a free thinker is better. at least there isn't much commitment to make. this christian thingy is driving me crazy. -sigh-

okay. happy things happy thing. let's talk about happy things. i've send the first draft of WR to mr max!!! haha. yay!! i feel so happy completing something! although i know the showcase is quite crappy but it's better than nothing. now, i just have to wait for mr max to comment on it. i've also handed up my first EOM to mr max and i know i wrote rubbish. so i'm prepared that he will throw it back at me and tell me to redo. haha. the deadline to hand up NRP progress report is also nearing. i've discussed with the hwa cong guy to split job. and i've to complete my work before 17 august or the project is deem to be a failure. haha.

well, i think i've wrote enough. time to complete my econs homework and practice math! i've got to work hard. 46 days to promos! JIA YOU JO!!! gtg! bye!

BLADES = GOOD GRADES + MONEY = HARD WORK + SAVINGS

2007-07-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

the past 2 weeks have been so hectic. i could take a breather. mum sponsored me 100 bucks to my blades and so far, i have saved about 40 bucks. i need another 60 bucks and mum actually offered to sponsor me the remaining money with the condition that i give her good grades. but i don't have the confidence to guarantee her so i somehow rejected her. i didn't really give her a definite answer. i really want a pair of blades but i want to achieve it through my own strength. mum's offer is very tempting. i'm in a dilemma now. i want a pair of blades as soon as possible but at the same time, i don't want to make any guarantee or promise. the fact that i'm so lost during lectures, tired all day long and have no idea how to do my tutorials indicates that i won't be able to give my mum good grades. so i really don't want to make that guarantee. and if i accept her offer to sponsor me that extra 60 bucks, i won't have the motivation to save up and return her the 60 bucks in order to not guarantee her. it's complicated and i don't know what i'm going to do.

i've been working hard these few days. it's not really vigorous mugging but just trying to complete my tutorials, trying to understand what the lecturers are talking about and basically catching up with sleep too. i want to give my mum good grades. i want to get the blades and i'm saving up while mugging hard. in this way, when i feel like giving up on saving and craving my blades, i can just approach my mum and tell her that i'll accept her offer and give her the good grades that she wants. i know this thinking is super childish but it gives me motivation to work forward. i am determined to get my pair of blades! JIA YOU, JO!

well, i'm going to kangli's church later. i've been to her church once and it's quite different from other churches that i went before. it's not exactly a church but a hall in this shopping mall. kangli's been trying hard to get me to join her in believing in Him. i do believe that He exist. it's just that i don't think i would be able to be a committed devoter to Him. but i wish to give it a shot. in other words, i'm going to kangli's church today to confirm whether i would be able to be His follower. I don't want to leave halfway and say i wish to give up. So i want confirmation. i'm weird, am i? i bet no one would do the same as what i'm going to do. haha.

there's lots of BGR in school recently. okay. maybe not a lot but 2 or 3. I SO DON'T LIKE PLAYING GOOSEBERRY AROUND THESE COUPLES! it's as though i'm invisible. and i don't like being invisible. i want to mug and if people want to mug with me, please have proper manners. it's not really about manners but your behaviour. i'm totally disgusted and gross out. i feel like scolding ***** but i don't know how and it would be super awkward. and i just don't understand why ****** just won't reject or even move away. i just feel that ****** is giving some hope to ***** but rather, i think ***** thinks that he still has hope in getting ******. i've totally learn a lesson today. i won't study with couples and i won't study with couples-to-be, if they going to make me a gooseberry when i don't want to be one. haha. studying in co-ed school is much more complicated than studying in a single gender school. haha.

i can't believe i just wrote the above paragraph. it sounds like i'm totally gossiping about people. but i think the people in the above paragraph is very obvious. and i'm sure my classmates would definitely know what i'm talking about. i just hope that the ****** and ***** don't read it. haha. i think they'll surely get pissed off. but i can't take it and i want to say "stop it" but i don't know how. so this is the way i'm saying "stop it". haha.

i gtg now. i don't think i'll be updating soon. i'm a busy girl, you know? haha. ok. gtg now! bye!

BLAH BLAH BLADES!

2007-07-10T03:54:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

I'M GOING MAD!!! I WANT THE PAIR OF BLADES SO BADLY!!! I KEEP THINKING OF THEM, EVEN DREAMING ABOUT THEM. I'VE BEEN SAVING UP BUT THE PROCESS IS TAKING SUCH A LONG TIME TO REACH THE TARGETED AMOUNT OF MONEY!!! I WANT IT NOW!!! I REALLY REALLY WANT IT!!! WHAT AM I TO DO?!?! I WANT THEM SO MUCH!!! I WANT THEM!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!! I WANT MONEY TO BUY THEM!!! I WANT THEM! I WANT THEM! I WANT THEM!!!

AND WHERE IS JET!!! I COULDN'T CONTACT HIM FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS. HE'S LIKE MISSING IN ACTION. NOT COMING ONLINE. NOT CALLING. NOT REPLYING MY MESSAGE. WHAT IS HE UP TO MAN! I CAN'T FIND ANYONE TO TALK TO. I CAN'T FIND ANYONE TO CALM ME DOWN. I CAN'T FIND ANYONE TO SHARE MY SECRETS!! JET HAN!!! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!!! I WANT THE PAIR OF BLADES VERY BADLY!!! HELP ME, JET!

ARGH!!!

facing the music

2007-07-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

school has finally started and the day wasn't as bad as i expected. the only thing that i didn't expect was to get back my mid year results that fast. well, i guess the school wants to speed up their progress and hence become very efficient in marking the papers.

until now, i only got back physics mcq and GP paper 2 marks. i'm pretty please with my GP paper 2 results, thinking that all along my english language standard has always been very poor. as for physics mcq, i'm very neutral feelings about it. overall, i'm having mixed feelings about my capabilities. i know i'm going to fail all of my subjects. the only thing that matters is how badly i fail. i must really work hard for promos. i've been setting goals for myself and i've yet to achieve a single one of them. what's the use of making goals for myself when i'm not working towards it? i just feel stupid. i feel so dumb thinking that i'll be able to pull through mid years with flying colours. argh!

i just read my horoscope on friendster and this is what it says:

The Bottom Line

Your plans and ideas have advanced, but they're not quite done yet. Keep working!

In Detail

Your plans and ideas have advanced to an interesting state today. You're not quite ready to consider them completed, so you need to keep an eye on them. Things you thought were all done still have a few loose ends that you need to tie up. Be patient and thorough, and don't stop until you know for a fact that your future involvement is not necessary. Dropping these projects into someone else's lap could send the wrong message -- people will think that you are lazy.

i think it is so true. i've had so many ideas about designs on the class tee and wushu tee but i've not produce them out in hard copies or something that people can see and understand what my ideal complete project looks like. moreover, i also think that the horoscope is also telling me something about PW. yes, i know i have a great team. but i fear that i'm very active and involve in it. i just feel that i've done so little for the project and the team. i must really buck up and get active in my school work and projects. i must really achieve what i've set for myself and be the ideal person what i hope i can be. this sound so naive but i'm really serious about it.

well, there's school tmr and wushu too. i'm so dreading wushu. but oh well, it's my CCA and i have to get myself involved in it no matter what. -sigh- i'll be getting more results tmr and it's really time for me to face the music. i'm so afraid that i will breakdown but i know i'm strong. i know i can take the challenge and turn them into dares. i know i can do it. JIA YOU JO!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!

i gtg now. it's late and i'm still not asleep. this explains the eye bags that i've been developing. haha. ok. bye!

sacrifices for my goals

2007-07-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

well, tomorrow or rather today is the last day of my break. i'll be having wushu training later at 4.30pm in school. man! i'm so dreading wushu training. i would rather use that time to go to the beach and cycle my whole life. haha. it just feels weird, isn't it? all of a sudden, i have the passion and desire to cycle and i really enjoy going to the beach. in fact, i love going to the beach and scream my heads out by the breakwaters. actually, my real desire is to blade. cycling would my second favourite after blading. now, i'm very determined to save up to buy myself a pair of blades and go to ECP every saturday to blade all the way to my favourite peaceful location by the beach. but for now, due to insufficient finances, i'll just go with my second favourite, cycling. haha.

i know i shouldn't be blogging right now, but i just felt like taking a break from e-learning. i'm still left with GP, which actually intended not to do, but after hearing what sherman and mr max was saying in the general office today, i decided to do it anyway. haha.

anyway, i had my A'level chinese oral today and it wasn't that bad, only that i kept saying the wrong words and stummer during my passage reading. the conversation question was quite alright. i hope the invigilators would be lenient to me. i really wish to get an A for my chinese in A'level! i'm putting high hopes on my chinese and i don't wish to disappoint myself and feel horrible in the end. so JO, YOU SHOULD BE WORKING HARD!!! JIA YOU!!!

i went to the bedok library today while waiting for teng to meet me to collect her new pair of spectacles. i found quite a number of books regarding knitting and crochet and once again, i'm starting to have interest in it again. teng helped me borrow one of the books. yay!!! haha.

so after borrowing the book, we went to the optician to look for my new pair of spectacles. it's so fun trying out the different kinds of spectacles. teng and i had a tummyful of laughter at the optician. haha. we tried the oldies, the modern, the plastic, the nerd and many others. haha. we really had a great time there. i found 3 pairs that i liked but in the end, i got the funky one cos i don't think mum would be please if i get the one with big lens. haha. i have to wait for another 2 days to collect my new pair of spectacles and totally change my image. haha.

i've been thinking about changing my hairstyle in school. i've been like wearing hairbands all my life and i was thinking of letting it go and put up a pin or something. but i'm afraid that it would turn out very childish looking so i'm trying to forgo that thought of mine. somehow or rather, i'm kind of loving my new hairstyle when i let my fringe down although i find the fringe a little too troublesome and irritating. haha. come to think of it, if i'm really going to change my image, i wonder what my friends and classmates would think about it. i think they'll be horrified from the way they reacted when i cut my hair short. sometimes, i really think they're very exaggerating. oh well, they're them and i'm me so i don't really want to care what they think about me although i know they think i'm dumb and simple minded. just let it be...

mr max just reminded the gang of us that promos are just 8 weeks away, which is equivalent to 2 months. man! sometimes, i really think the school is crazy. we just had our mid years and 2 months later, we're going to take our promos. and i know promos are super important. i cannot afford to fail any single one of my subjects and i'm aiming high. from today onwards, whether or not i'm going to have a life, whether or not my friends think i'm crazy, whether or not i'll be labelled as a nerd or a mugger, i will start working hard for my promos and score As, saved money for my pair of blades and achieve as much things as i can in life. this would mean forgoing outings, lunch and dinners with my classmates and all. it's an equivalent trade. i have to sacrifice something in order to gain something. and now, i've decided to sacrifice my time with my friends to achieve my goals. i know i'm being selfish and i hope they can understand my purpose. maybe once in while, i'll go out with them. just once in a while will do.

it's very late already. i'm suppose to be doing GP e-learning right now. gtg! bye!

superheros

2007-06-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

FINALLY! the mid years are over! finally, i could take a breather and rest well. i know i totally screwed up all the exams and did complete a single one of them, especially chemistry. i'm really going to expect the teachers to call my parents up to meet them to have a talk about my attitude towards studies. i'm just a total screw up. i'm going to fail all of my subjects. i just know i will. it's so depressing knowing that you don't have time management, knowing that you always can't complete any single one of your exams within the time limit and knowing that because of that, you're going to fail all of them. i'm so disappointed in myself.

Jet's been working really hard lately. He has a goal. And i want him to achieve that goal. I want to work hard with him. I want to be like him - to work towards your goal and not give up. i feel so proud of him. His determination, seriousness towards schoolwork and consistency somehow made him a role model for me. i want to be like that. i want to be someone who take work serious and doesn't procrastinate. i want to be someone who is able to manage time and complete every single one of her tasks with quality within the time limit. i'm looking for perfection although i know there's no such thing as perfect. but i want to be someone who i want to be. i want to seek the other side of myself. the more capable part of me. i want to...

well, thursday was the last day of MYE for my class and many others. chinese paper was the last paper. and i took the exam in the hall which had air con! haha. comfortable environment, eh? haha. after the paper, the gang (basically me, regina, rachel, yuheng, moses and shuli) went home to bathe and get a change of clothes to catch a movie at cathay main building. we intended to meet at 1pm but time wasn't enough, so shuli and moses met at 1.30pm (i think?), regina at 1.50pm (if i'm not wrong?) and me at 1.58pm. i was not the latest! rachel and yuheng, the bucouple, were the latest! and who said want to meet at 1pm! haha.

anyway, we went to cathay main building to decide on the movie and the majority wanted to watch Transformers, although i objected to it and wanted to watch fantastic four which the others have watched already. And yes, majority wins. so we bought Transformer (Digital) movie tickets and went off to Plaza Singapura to have lunch, followed by arcade and back to the cathay main building to buy snacks for the movie. After that, we went into the cinema and i was so amazed by the enormous space and grand like ambiance. It was as if it was meant for the royalties. yes, it's a little exaggerating here but you get my point. haha. The movie was totally awesome and way way way cool! it totally changed my views about it! i thought it was going to be some boring show because the advert was so boring on TVs. It's way cool and i recommend it to everyone to go and watch it! haha. for more details about the movie outing, go to rachel's blog www.splattered-black.blogspot.com . It comes with pictures so it aids in reading. haha.

i'm so into superheros now. teen titans, incredibles, teenage mutant ninja turtles, transformer (?) etc. i'm having lots of ideas on class tee and wushu tee but the problem is i can't get the idea out from my mind and on paper because i can't draw well. i attempted to use the com to draw but it failed terribly because i don't have the appropriate software. man! this feel so horrible! i've shared my design idea to auntie and spiddey just now and they like it! i feel so glad! haha. if only i can get it done on paper then it would be perfect. sadly, i don't have the talent. i really need guidance on designing. argh!

i should be sleeping now. There's CIP tmr at orchard and it starts at 8am. i'm suppose to meet with the rest at 7.30am and i still haven't catch any sleep when it is 4.20am now. i'm so dead!!! haha. well, i guess this is all for now. gtg now! bye!

sleepovers!

2007-06-09T01:51:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i'm now at Joanne's house. Me, Jet and Steph went to her house yesterday to stayover. Our purpose: to make a surprise present for Amy and the June babies. However, as expected, we failed drastically. haha. We even made a hug mess in her kitchen. I feel so full now. I've been eating the surprise present non-stop, because it's looks too unpresentable to give her. Hence, in order not to waste food, we ate almost all the things that we made. haha.

Now, we're suppose to be at Amy's house to have steamboat with the rest of the family. But we're late due to the making of the unappetizing surprise gift. haha. I think we're intending to make it as the foul feet when we play games. haha. Or maybe, we'll be forcing Amy to eat them all. haha.

I so love sleepovers. A few days ago, thursday to be exact, i went to stay at Jet's place after wushu training. I went there with the intention to just relax and have fun with Jet. But time passes so fast that i forgot about it. Thus, I decided not to go home and stayed at Jet's place for one night. haha. i know i'm such a naughty girl. i've been playing too much, forgetting about my studies and the time i'm left with. now i'm feeling guilty not doing anything throughout the week. -sigh-

i'm going to bathe now. we're so late! haha.

to be continued...

well, i'm back home right now. Steamboat at Amy's house was quite fun actually. I somehow felt that i sabo-ed myself into eating the untasty sushi. I lost 4 times in the game of zhong ji min ma and was made to eat the sushi, which was made by myself, Joanne, Willow, Jet and Steph. haha. We wanted to sabo-ed Amy into eating those sushi that had wasabi in them but our plan failed and we (the people making the sushi) ended up eating most of the sushi because we kept losing. haha. but i think it was kind of fun and i enjoyed it a lot with my cousins. love them so much!

i guess by now, you readers should have known that the surprise present was the horrible sushi that we made. haha. there was also another surprise gift that we intended to give Amy but we have yet to complete it. haha. That gift was a little too last minute and couldn't get the cousins to contribute in it at such a short time. Moreover, we overslept at Joanne's house and were too lazy to go and get the needed materials for that special surprise gift. I bet Amy would be very touched if she was to receive the gift today. haha. but, oh well, we can't do much about it now. haha.

i'm so glad that i had all these sleepovers during this june holiday. although i know i odd to be studying during the june holidays, the temptation of spending time and having fun with my cousins was just too unresistable. i'm feeling so guilty not studying now. man! i'm so going to work hard and mug from today onwards. no more internet, no more msn, no more long chit chats and no more long tv programmes! i know this is going to be boring and stressful. but for the sake of getting good grades in my mid years, i'm willing to sacrifice. i hope i would be able to stick to all the restrictions i've given to myself. man! i'm doom!

i've found out quite a lot of things about my cousins in all these sleepovers and gatherings. i'm glad they told me things and trust me in keeping these things in secret. i feel so much more warmth from them, knowing that they trust me and are willing to share things with me. thank you lovelies! i trust you guys too!

ok. i've got to replenish my energy now. plus, it's very late already. so gtg! bye!

HOLIDAYS are boring.

2007-06-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

how great can the holidays be? i have a whole lot of things to do and i've not started anything. i'm just so into holiday mood now. i keep wanting to go out, despite having no money to spend, and i keep wanting to use the com even though i know i shouldn't use it and i have no need to use it. i don't have self control!!! argh!!!

i think my right leg is somewhat healing already. thanks to mum for massaging for me when i asked her to. so nice! haha. and i think i'm a little sick in the mind. i think that bruises look cool and i think having bruises shows that i am able to endure pain. sick right? seriously, i think i'm really mad to think that way but i really think bruises are cool. haha.

i've been procrastinating a lot like always. i haven't even make a timetable to start studying for mid years and i know there isn't much time left. it's already the 2nd week of the holidays?!?! how fast time passes when you do things that you enjoy. actually, to be honest, i'm not really enjoying my holidays. i'm just lazing around at home, being such a sloth, watching tv, eat and sleep. i won't be surprise if i grow fatter after the holidays. i really need to work out. i've been yearning to go swimming. jet and i actually wanted to go swim on saturday but our plan failed and we went to east coast park to cycle instead. we chatted a lot and had some heart to heart talks too. i'm really grateful to have such a wonderful buddy who is always there when i need a listening ear. thanks jet!

oh ya. and guess what? we took the right bus at the wrong bus stop just like what we always do when we go to east coast park. but luckily, this time the bus actually u-turned to the right way or else we'll be dead meat! haha. we also went to parkway's KFC to have dinner after visiting joyce at her workplace. man! i really think it's very cool to work at a hair salon. maybe i'll work at a hair salon as a part time job next time. haha.

i'm looking forward to the outing that amy, joanne and i are going to have. even though we have not settled a date and time when everyone is free, i still think it's very heart-warming to know that i have my cousins to look up to when there's no one around me. i think i've grown much more feminine than i was last time. man! this must have been the works of entering into a co-ed school. i seriously think that JC has influence me a lot. just lately, mum keep scolding me for saying "shit" widely and unconsciously. i know i've used it when i was young and all but come to think of it, i've been using that word very often these few days. this is bad! i really need to be aware of my language and speech. now, mum thinks that the people in JC giving me negative influence because of the way i speak and my attitude. man! this is so bad!!! i'm going to give mum a good impression from today onwards!

i'm broke. i need money. and i want to get a hair cut. this time, i really mean it. i've realised that i'm always saying things and not taking actions. i better kick out this wrong behaviour. i must mean what i said or else eventually i might break a promise i made to people without knowing it, which is wrong. man! what hair cut should i get? an afro? haha.

i didn't really expect to have an argument with the JC people so soon, but it just happened recently. once again, it's about the class outing. i find it very meaningless to have it and i seriously mean it. it's just a waste of time to think of bonding the class. it takes time and i don't expect the class to bond so fast in just one outing. plus, the dates, time, activity are not settled and it's very troublesome and problematic. i'm super pissed with YH who just said that i was insensible and inconsiderate. hey! who are you to say those nasty words are me man! i can be nice when you are nice. but if you're being mean then i won't hold back at being mean at you too. moreover, you're not even in my class so why are you meddling into the class outing business? i know i'm mean by saying all these things but seriously, you've made me very angry. i know i was being a little too direct in saying that the class outing is meaningless but i am speaking the truth and i have my freedom of speech in wanting to let people know how i feel about having the class outing. i know you'll be pissed when you read this but I AM SERIOUSLY PISSED WITH YOU TOO!!! ARGH!

well, that let off a whole load of pent up feelings in my crest. i'm much calmer now. speaking of the class outing, i don't want to care about it anymore since my help is not appreciated and i'm no longer interested in helping out too. moreover, i've been thinking and asking my classmates umpteen times about the purpose of organising the class outing. why must we organise the class outing just when someone (who i wish not to be named in my blog) said so when he isn't even doing anything? i feel that his actions are super irresponsible and i'm getting super irritated with the way he does things. sometimes i just feel like telling him off straight in the face but i think it's pretty mean to do that and i'm pretty scared too. i admit that i'm not daring enough to tell people off in the face but i have the urge to do so. haha. what a weakling i am?! haha.

anyway, it's super late now. i gtg. bye!

GP is a killer!

2007-05-25T06:54:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i'm very worried and stress for my GP paper this coming monday. i've never pass my GP before and i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail this one too. it's for the mid years and i want do well in it. but GP seems so difficult to even score. the previous test that mr max gave seriously made a big impact on me. it just shows that i'm not good at essay writing and that i don't have good organisation skills. i've spend so little time on planning my essay that i kept cancelling the words i've written down. i didn't even finished half the essay i was suppose to write in the given time. now, i don't have to confidence that i will finish my paper on time this coming monday. it's just to hard for me to write an essay in a given time. i've always spent hours and hours writing on one single essay as homework. now that there's a limited time given to complete one essay, i think i will not be able to do it. i guess i'm not fit to be in a JC. i'm not capable at all.

the week has finally past. i've been dozing off unknowingly at home while doing homework, watching tv and even eating! i can't believe that i'm actually making it a habit now. man! this is bad!! i've got to kick out of it! JO, YOU CANNOT SLEEP SO MUCH!!!

well, i've been avoiding to come home early. i just don't want to face the adults at home. this problematic family is getting on my nerves and it makes me and sibling scared sometimes. their actions are so unpredictable and i don't want to know more about it. it just seems so hard to believe. all along, we've been thinking that there will be hope between them but i guess it has reached the limit. our hopes are dashed and we've got to accept the fact that they just can't get along. how can one still be together with the other when one fears the other? i guess not. i have a broken family and i admit it. all the happy scenes are just a facade to show to the people outside. i don't want to act no more. it's just too fake. it's too much for the young ones to take in the family. i know we've grown much more mature and can understand how mum is feeling right now. all we need to know it's papa's side of the story. i don't want to bias but somehow after hearing what happened to mum, i just simply can't communicate with papa. i've been looking at him with disapproving eyes and i just feel disturbed when he talks to me. the reason? i don't know. i kind of hate him right now because of what he did to mum. i don't know. maybe i'm just being bias. maybe it's the illness in him that's causing his bad temper. argh!

the problems at home somehow made the sibling-hood grow stronger. i've been having many heart to heart talks with teng, joyce and boy. it feels good to have siblings when you need them the most. i'm so glad i can confide to them when family problems arises. teng has suffered a great blow. and it's pretty shocking to hear how the family has affect ying's behaviour, feelings and actions. i really want ying to live in a happy family and have a happy childhood like what all of us had when we were young. i guess this can't be made possible with the current situation. all i can do now is to try to give what i can give to her.

i've been procrastinating alot. i'm suppose to study GP right now, but i just don't have the mood to do so. i've not even completed one single topic. i'm so dead! GP makes me think of english and i don't like english. i'm bad at it and i'm such a loser! my foundation for english is still not up. and i'm not making any progress for GP. damn! i blame myself for not reading much when i was young. i don't even have time to read up now, not even the newspapers. argh!! i just hate this feeling of not wanting to do something but know that i have to do it. SOMEONE SAVE ME!!! WAH!

i gtg now. i think i took too long a break already. back to GP now. argh! bye!

why?

2007-05-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i've been hearing lots of bad news recently. now, i'm in a state of confusion, lost and shock. these problems are just too much for me to handle and i don't even think i'm prepared for it. my family is in a chaotic state and i feel such a loser not being able to do much about these problems for them. i know some can't be solved. joyce and teng just cried after observing my mum's behaviour just now. i'm very scared too. i don't know what to do. what happened to her? why is she behaving like this? why of all days, it has to happen today? argh!!! i don't want these to happen! i'm already trying so hard to cope with school work and all already. i've already reached my limit in trying to cope. now, with this added burden or stress, i'm afraid i might just break and cry.

i haven't had enough sleep lately with all the tests and exams for the past few days. finally, i could catch some breathe and take a breather when all these troubles have to come looking for me. i'm seriously very worried for my family now. it's so hard to piece out this torn and broken family protrait of mine. tension just keep increasing and hostility towards each other is so strong. i have only my siblings to rely on now. some truths just can't be made known to world even if our relationship is so close. i feel like telling jet but i know i mustn't. i really think all these should be kept a secret. i'm tempted to tell jet. other than my siblings, he's the only one that i can consult to.

why? why? why? i just don't understand. why the sudden change in behaviour? why must it be this time of the year? why can't i do anything to make the situation better?

who will answer to my "why"?

2007-05-11T05:14:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i can't wait for tomorrow or even sunday! i'm going to meet joanne! yay! plus, we're going to try out something new together and we'll be spending time together too! i'm so excited! haha.

i had GP class mock test earlier the day and i totally screwed it up. i only wrote 2 supporting points and no more! i'm so dead! i know mr max is going to tell me to get the withdrawal form. i seriously think that i really need to buck up especially GP. i expected that i couldn't finish the paper today and i really did. argh! why do i always have trouble in english and essay writing! i'm always having problems with my languages! argh!!! i'm such a failure! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

i've also made a speech today during wushu. my heart was pounding so hard and was so nervous. i don't even think i can get a position in the exco. i really think that my JC life would be terrible. it'll only be filled with studies studies and more studies! there's like nothing more than that. i don't want it to be like this. i want to commit to something fun. sometimes when i look at the house com, i will regret not filling the form and at least have the courage to take that opportunity. but i know i won't get it. i'm worrying for my testimonial now. i can predict that it's going to be empty. i can see that future will be very dim and that no school would want a loser like me. i'm so dead! why did i even land myself into this position! i'm feel so down now, thinking about this. i don't have much confidence now. i look at the people around me in school and i think about them being all so successful and me standing on the same spot where it says "square one". i really think that i've no talent, no good qualities and no future. will someone help me?!?! WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

i can feel the tsunami of homework now. i have exams for all subjects next week and i've yet to complete my homework and revise. i've done lots of procrastination and it's seriously going to affect me in future. moreover, my intention of doing work has never been fulfilled and i'm practically going to end up retaining one year in JC or proceed on to poly. i feel so dead and stress! i know everyone's feeling it but they seem to be coping pretty well. i want to be able to cope well and do well as a 100% muggable but fun student. i know this would never be possible. how can i have the time to have fun when i need to mug at the same time? this is so impossible! argh!!!

i gtg now. i know this entry is pretty pessimistic. the only thing that i'm looking forward would be joanne. i'm sure she'll be an energy booster to me. i definitely need her and jet to give me support now. i'm afraid i might break down any moment. stress level is so damn high! well, bye!

my dreaded school life

2007-05-03T06:09:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

it's been a while since i've posted the previous entry. life's been pretty busy these few days, with the pile of homework and tight school schedule. school life hasn't change much. it's just the same old timetable with different types of lecturers giving lectures. haha.

well, i haven't been sleeping well these few days. sometimes, i just refuse to get up until my brother repeatedly call me up. i'm dreading school. it's not fun and it's not interesting anymore. i guess i'm tired of schooling but i know i can't regret now since i've chosen this path from the very start. the competition is so tense that i feel like screaming my heads out to all the people around me to just GO AWAY! maybe i'm just too stress. i've been giving myself too much pressure already. relax jo! relax!!!

i've attended the second wushu training already. i want to be flexible!! there's so many moves that i just can't do and it's only the basics! i feel such a loser in wushu. and the people there aren't as fun-loving and friendly as the people in volleyball. competition is high there too. everyone is aiming to be in the competition team. i know i won't be able to make it there. they're just too good compared to me. sometimes, i just feel like giving up and stop losing my face, doing those stunts that look so retarded on me. yet i can't regret. because this is another choice i've chosen right from the start. the difference lies only in my willingness. i feel i've chosen it by mistake. such a sad case. -sigh-

i'm almost done for PI and i'm so glad it's over! haha. however, i feel that my PI is not up to standard. the words seems to be so little and there's so many short forms! moreover, my identification on my groundbreaker is so short! this is bad! i sense a bad omen that i'm going to get pretty low for my PI although many have told me that i worry too much or thinking too much unneccessary stuff. haha.

i've also just got my PW grouping and i'm quite satisfied with it. i'm grouping with rachel, jasmine, sherman and zhi guan! yay!! haha. hope we'll work fine together. i'm sure there would be conflicts within the group sooner or later. but i'm positive that we're going to go through it and emerge as a team filled with great enthusiasm, cooperation and tolerance. i hope they would tolerate with my annoying nonsenses and irritating questions. really hope that we will be a great team together. GAMBATE!!!

i feel like learning yoga. am i crazy to think about that?

i gtg now. bye!

once again, i'm being mean

2007-04-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i so miss the cousins now! i don't know what to do not thinking about them from time to time, especially when i'm in a dazed or when i'm bored or free. they just make my day, and not seeing them or contacting them for a long time makes me sad. JOANNE's 18 already! haha.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOANNE!!! it's ego eighteen this year so show me some attitude!!! haha. nah! you're too kind to show me attitude! you'll always be my role model and the caring big sister! haha. love you loads!!! i want to go out with some time!!!

i haven't been having phone conversations with jet these few days. guess he's pretty busy these few days, with the shoots, school work and job. he has too many commitments already. sometimes, it makes me feel a little envious about him. i want to be a busy person so i won't think too much! haha. seriously, i've been getting comments from people in school that i think too much. am i really thinking too much into things or is this just my nature? i don't think i'm reading too much into things but people just keep telling me that and sometimes it irritates me. haha. it's not wrong to think too much right? i mean it's just thinking. it won't do me any harm, will it? haha. anyway, jet's busy and i've got no one to consult to. argh!!! JET HAN!!! CAN YOU NOT BE THAT BUSY?!?! haha.

i've realised something recently. something about myself. and i find it very weird to the extent that sometimes it freaks me out. i've realised i've changed alot and i don't really wish to change. i know there's pros and cons to changes but i think the sudden change in me is seriously freaking me out! i've never really talk that openly to people in school before. i've never been like what i am now, talking loudly, messaging in school and even wanting to get attention from friends sometimes. i think i've turn myself into a freak! this change in me is scaring the wits out of me and i don't understand why either. I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE AND I DON'T WISH TO CHANGE! I WANT MY OLD SELF BACK! i want the nerdy me! it just totally suit my image and i want it back now! i've been slacking alot and i feel uneasy about it. i've been spending alot and i feel bad about it. teng, too, thinks that i've changed alot since i've entered JC and i find the change kind of bad. it's good in that it helps me communicate with the people around me better. but it's bad because it's freaking me out and i find weird about it. seriously, i need someone to talk to me and i know that suitable candidate would be JET HAN KUN DING!!! argh!

and yes! i know these few days i've been getting irritated easily. PMS i guess. haha. i've been saying a lot of "shut up" to people which i think is rude. i didn't mean it. it just came out so naturally from my mouth that i didn't realised i've used it until the conversation between me and the party ended. i'm such a mean person! i should just stop using that word and eliminate it from my dictionary of words. it's not going to help me in future. i've got to stop it once and for all and i'm determined! yosh!

well, i'm ending this post here. i know i've been updating quite a bit recently. jet's busy and i've got no one to consult to, so this is my last resort into talking things out with myself. haha. i know it's weird. but it's my style. haha. gtg now! bye!

i am mean. i know.

2007-04-21T06:41:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

nothing much really happened in this week. it's somehow a reflective week for some of people in school, including myself. well, life and death can be very scary. it's like any moment, anyone might just leave you anytime. it just makes me feel so scared thinking about it. but ironically, i've been thinking about it these few days, ever since i sense some emotional mood swings from some of my classmates and read about the reason to it. well, life and death is something you can't predict so just cherish what who you've got now. it must been too shocking a news for yuheng. hope he can take it easy. cheer up, man! haha :P

i went to the airport to study these few weekends. and yes, i'm super daring this time to actually stayed over at the airport to study with them. unfortunately, it wasn't very productive. i dozed a few times and got caught by yu heng and miao ying for smiling while sleeping. i feel so embarrassed! haha. but it's ok. that just shows that i had a sweet dream but i can't remember what the dream was. i didn't even think i was dreaming! haha. luckily, i didn't talk in my sleep or i'm be hiding myself from them for now on. haha.

mum and pa weren't very happy that i went to the airport to stay over. but they allowed me. i feel kind of bad not listening to them when i know that it's all for my own good. maybe this is what people call as angst. i'm an angsty girl i guess. haha. (do they even have the word "angsty"? haha.) the stay over was a terrible one for me! my head was splitting and it wasn't really functioning properly, so i didn't really do much work there. but at least i got my PI done there and went to watch the planes at the runway. we (me, yuheng and miao ying) attempted to catch the meteor rain at the airport but we failed terribly. there was hardly a star there. haha. but i found one in the sky which is stationary. haha. man! i so want to watch a meteor rain! how could have missed it at east coast park?!?! argh!!! haha.

sunday morning, regina, rachel, moses and edwin came and studied together. it was kind of enjoyable and we had quite a lot of fun. haha. and yet again, edwin isolate himself from us. what's the problem with him! i just can't figure it out! first, he was ok hanging around with us for the first 3 months. now, he's telling us that he isn't comfortable hanging around with us! argh!!! what's the problem man! i mean we didn't do anything to him. we didn't bully him or anything. nothing serious to him at all! i starting to feel a little piss about he showing attitude and being such a uncooperative CG rep. argh! maybe i'm being mean here. but i'm just saying what i feel has to be said. no one dares to tell him all these. and he just refuse to tell us what's wrong with him. so i don't really care about him! in fact, i don't wish to talk to him like the way i talk to them others if he continues to be like this. he's really pissing me off! argh!

forget about edwin. overall, i think the airport trip was truely an experience for me. but i won't be staying over again! it's too exhausting and i don't think i can cope with my studies without sleeping. it's really draining me out. haha. after looking at me with the horrendous headache, mum doesn't allow me to stay over or go to the airport to study anymore. so i guess that was the last trip to the airport to study. i suggest that we should go somewhere else to study other than the airport. but i just can't think of anywhere else other than home sweet home. haha.

i've been slacking alot. i've got to redo my PI, research on biofuel and a whole lot of homework. plus, i can't cope with lectures especially chemistry and physics! they're a killer man! been telling myself to read up the lecture notes before hand but i'm always procrastinating, dilly dally-ing. i guess my lazy habit is still not corrected. but it's human nature to be lazy. haha. what an excuse! haha. oh, i'm trying to avoid my project partner for the moment because i haven't done anything to the biofuel project yet! i'm so dead! i've never put my msn status as "appear offline" but this time, i've got no choice. i'm pretty afraid that he'll just talk to me and ask me when will the next meeting be. haha. i feel so guilty not doing anything to the project. this project is deifinitely challenging me to be independent and be passionate of what i'm doing. it just shows that i'm not independent enough to start working on the project ever since the last meeting. i've got to start working and work myself to be the best! but this is all talk. i've got to make actions. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! haha.

i guess this is it. it's getting late now. there's school tomorrow too, so i think i better finish up my tutorials and get some sleep. gtg now! bye!

adaptation to busy MJC life

2007-04-13T04:55:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

it's been quite some time since the previous entry. well, it's a busy week and i'm still trying to cope with it. but i'm hopeful that i'll be able to adapt. school's been ending pretty late and when it ends early, i'll just be wasting time slacking away. i should really change my bad habits. i should be serious about school now. somehow or rather, i still thinks that school is all fun and play like how it used to be during the PAE period. the starting of MJC life has been great but now, when it comes to the middle of the MJC life, things are getting more complexed than what i think was. more competition and more pressure. i'll just have to try my best and give my best! gambate!

i've finished watching "beautiful life" last weekend and i can't help falling in love with takuya kimura! his charm is just irresistable! oh man! i'm going all japanese all of a sudden! now i feel like learning japanese so that i can understand what he says in the show without reading the subtitles. he's just too handsome and cute! i can't stop thinking about him and can't stop looking at his photo! haha.

oh! my want-to-cut-hair feeling is coming back again! i think it's because of "beautiful life". i want to have a bob haircut but i know it'll definately not suit me. but no harm trying right? it's just the matter of fact whether it will look nice or not. haha. i'll just remain ugly all my life. i mean "ugly is the new beautiful" right now, right? haha. I WANT A MODERN BOB HAIRCUT!!!

wushu competition was on wednesday and i went to support MJC! haha. it's was so cool! i'm starting to like wushu! i know i have to be flexible and all but i'm determined to master it! haha. i want to show off my stunts to jet once i master them! haha. then i'll be able to challenge jet! tae kwon do VS wushu! this will be super duper interesting! haha. i've also made some new friends from wushu! they're nice people but sometimes i find it hard to communicate with them especially *****. i don't wish to offend her. maybe she's just being too direct. i mean sometimes her words are quite nasty to swallow. it's like she've never considered someone's feelings before she says them out. -sigh- i'll just have to bear with her. boohoo! haha.

i'm still having problems with NRP. i can't find a weekday time slot to meet the professor and my project partner. i feel so bad abandoning my partner yesterday. i was supposed to meet the professor and him for our very first meeting. but mrs lim just have to add an extra lesson after chemistry practical to go through our tutorials! argh! so in the end, school ended at 5.05pm, which is uber late! i knew i couldn't make it in time for the meeting at NTU so i called my project partner to ask whether i'm still needed there. got a disappointing "no" from him. so i ended up not going to NTU to start on the project. i'm pretty afraid that the professor will be pissed with me for all the absent meetings. man! i didn't mean for it to happen! i'll just have to find my way out this time! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
i got the workscope from the professor already. so i guess it's the start of research and hardwork now. there's still PW which, i know, will be killer. i've got a feeling that i'll have to redo it all over again. -sigh- just accept it, jo! you can do it! haha. (that was so spiritless!) I'M GOING TO SURVIVE IT ALL AND BE THE ULTIMATE SURVIVOR!!! GO GO GO, JO!!!

i've got lots of homework to clear during the weekends. gtg now! bye! ciao! sayonara! haha!

i'm a loser.

2007-04-03T04:18:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i feel so screwed up! there's like so many things left undone and i don't think i'll be able to cope! i feel so stress! i don't know what to do! i feel so sleepy and drained out! my timetable is horrendous! it's like ending school so late everyday! what's more, i still have to travel to NTU to do the biofuel project! there's just no space time for me to take a break and relax! argh!

i know i'm giving myself too much pressure. i want to meet my expectations. i don't want to disappoint myself and my parents. i'm such a loser. i can't even manage my time, let alone be able to meet my expectations and cope with homework. i feel so crappy! my brain's not functioning properly. it needs rest and sleep and i'm lacking it! i barely slept 5 hours a day ever since the permanent timetable started. i'm starting to dread going school. i don't like the chinese teacher and i don't understand what he's trying to teach me. the things that he teach are so irrelevant to the chapters. i don't know what to do!!! i want help and yet i want to be independent at the same time! what am i thinking, man! me? independent? that's totally impossible! i'm such a failure! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

i've been showing a black face the whole of today. everyone's been asking me why and i can't find the answer. i just don't like going school nowadays. i've got no one to talk to and i don't wish to talk to anyone too. i'm back to my anti-social self again. i knew this day would come and people will find me a nuisance. i don't sense class spirit and it's so monotonous during lesson time. argh! plus, i don't think i can cooperate with my project partner. we just can't settle on a right date to go back to NTU to start on the project! monday, tuesday and thursday are days when school ends late. wednesday and friday are CCA days. and the professor doesn't want to do the project on weekends! argh!!! i don't know what to do!!! i feel like screaming my hearts out and just run away from this world! i'm so not organised! i need time management guidance!!! argh!!!

smiley photos

2007-03-31T00:19:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i'm feeling so lethargic. i know there are loads of work to do. [well, maybe not that many.] i just don't feel like doing those tutorials in the weekends. but not doing them, makes me feel uneasy. i feel dumb.

i'll just post some photos that the cousins took during CNY at amy's house! LOVE YOU ALL COUSINS!!!

us playing card games.

cindy and melvin discussing in a game of black jack.

xiang shuffling the cards.

me looking spastic and nerdy.

joanne and amy [with her spectacles]

me, joanne and amy in the car on our way to buy yu sheng!

malcolm piggy-backing ying! this picture looks so sweet!

our impromptu shot!

girls in the kitchen wiping up some dishes! i got cut off. haha.

lao yu sheng time!

second round of poker!

my fingers with the mole-liked bloodclot. da jie even thought that i killed the mosquito when i was attacking it. haha. it was so funny!

me posing spastic and dumb again!

cindy looking constipated and blur. but she still looks good too! haha.

melvin's unaware that he's caught on camera.

a photo of our reflection at the shopping mall.

last but not least, our neoprints!

all these photos are taken from cindy's multiply site. haha. i still miss those happy times with them. just by looking at these photos, i will just smile unknowingly. haha. i'm so blessed to have my cousins. love you guys so much!!!

oh! i got a photo from sherman that was taken at the end of orientation.

atlas OGls at the end of orientation 2!

well, i guess most people would love to look at this entry because it contains more of photos than of words. haha. to end off, i want to say that smiles alway help to brighten up someone elses' day and your day, so smile more! bye!

capabilities or not?

2007-03-29T03:19:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i'm quite screwed up now. i seriously think i can't cope in MJC. i've been feeling very moody for the whole of today because i somehow regretted joining wushu as my CCA. but after countless persuasion from calister and advice from joanne, ah peck and a few other people, i decided not to brood over it. since i've already joined wushu, i shall be committed to it and learn to be interested in it. maybe it won't be that bad. maybe i'll be able to find my talent in it. who knows? haha.

well, i shall quit joking about things already. i'm feeling very stress nowadays. the thoughts of the countless number of tutorials i'll soon to have keep reccuring in my mind. it's making bongus! we're only in temporary timetable and we already have chemistry and math tutorials to complete. plus, there is also PW, which is the scariest and most worrying part of all the homework i have! i fear i will not be able to meet the standards that i set for myself. i don't have the confidence to cope with school work. everyone's working so hard in school and i fear i lacking behind in the competition. there's also GP which i have no idea what i can do about, other than reading the papers. [and i don't read the papers!] i bet i can't get into a university! i bet no school wants me! i bet i'll disappoint my parents and everyone else! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I NEED HELP! I NEED ADVICE!! I NEED SUPPORT!!! I FEEL LIKE RUNNING AWAY AND NOT GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE!!!

i'm offically involved in a NRP project and that will be adding more weight into my workload. i know it's going to benefit me in future. but time is the problem. i'm struggling to juggle school work and projects now. although NRP hasn't even started, i'm very sure that it will take up lots of my time. NRP, GP and PW! i just don't want to think about them! they are ranked as the most feared subjects that i'll be facing in my JC life. i want to master them but i know i'm not capable enough to do so. my english sucks and i can't improve! I NEED TUITION AND I NEED TIME!! I NEED JET AND THE COUSINS SO URGENTLY!! I NEED THEIR SUPPORT!!

teng said: "you're easily succumbed to peer pressure." i totally agree to that. i want a change in life. i want a change in my personality. i want a change in my character. i want to be able to have my own opinions and not get convinced so easily. i want to fight for my ideas. i want to be a capable girl! but am i able to do that? i need an answer.

things are going well.

2007-03-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

things are improving already. i just had a mass conversation with some of the newbies yesterday. actually, it's not really a mass conversation because only 4 people are talking. but 2 of them are newbies so i guess this is improvement. they seem quite chatty online but i still don't know whether they will be the same way in person as they are online. i'm so happy that i did something meaningful to save the class!!! YAY!!!

well, after this mass conversation, i think i want to try greater things to get the class bonded. my next challenge for myself would be to get the class eating together during breaktimes! this might be a little hard since ryan pang isn't that enthusiastic as he seem to be. he just admitted to me yesterday in the conversation that he REFUSE to talk to them. maybe orientation 2 was a great impact to him. i've got to make him change his views on the newbies. he keeps thinking that they are nerds. that's what i think when i heard about the bad news from almost all the OGLs that led atlas 5. maybe they still need more time to adapt to new people. that's what everyone's telling me when i was feeling down and troubled about the class a few days ago. maybe they're aren't that bad. i guess we still need more communication and time. i know my next challenge wil be a tough one since i don't know their faces and names and they don't usually hang around with us, so it kind of difficult to get them together. but i know i can do it and i'll going to try! YES!! I MUST THINK POSITIVE!! GO JO!!!

i've got a feeling that even if i succeeded in making them eat with us during breaktimes, the newbies will be neglected. i somehow sense that there will be an awkward silence during breaktimes with them. i've heard about them being quiet people, so what am i suppose to do to make them talk? hmmm. this is seriously a tough question to solve. i think i'm going to let things flow naturally. maybe things will turn out well and not as bad as it seems. one step at a time i guess. haha.

well, if there is anyone reading my blog, can you people just leave a tag or something? i want to know who's reading it. then i can keep some secrets here. haha. yup. gtg now.bye!

the off people = problems

2007-03-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i've been feeling kind of moody these past 2 days. well, mostly it's beacuse of the situation of my present cg. i don't really want to talk about it. it's just too horrible to mention it. i just can't believe that i'm in it but i'll just have to get use to it. actually, i don't really want to care about my present cg anymore despite numerous attempts on trying to talk to them or get to know them more. apparently, they are just too dead to response or they are mute. i know i'm being mean saying all these stuff. but they just make me feel depress. maybe i'm making myself depress by thinking about it. -sigh-

the first few days of the week was orientation 2 and i'm so glad that i'm an OGL. atlas 4 was definitely a fun group to be around with. initially, i thought they will not be very enthusiatic. but luckily they were or i'll be such a loser being an OGL. orientation 2 was somehow a new experience to me. i get to know a few new people, namely sham, rebecca, aisyah, yong wen, and the whole of atlas 4. it's been great getting to know them although it's just a short period of 3 days. and the campfire for orientation 2 was totally awesome! it was in the hall because it rained. and we had the air-conditioners on! haha. everyone in the hall was so hype up! i love mass dancing now because i know how to dance! haha. i screamed my hearts out that night and i felt so much better after hearing news about atlas 5 (my present cg) being the most problematic og throughout the whole of orientation 2. but still, i think orientation 1 was better because atlas 7 was a group of super fun people! haha.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)[?]

The Bottom Line

Someone with a very different lifestyle has something to teach you. Be open-minded.

In Detail

You know someone whose lifestyle is very different from yours, and you could learn a lot from that person right now. This iconoclast's free-spirited ways might not be very appealing to you -- but haven't you ever been just a little bit curious about her or his life? Get together with this person, and become acquainted with a radically different approach to living. And don't be afraid to debate things -- this person stands to learn something from you, too.

i got this from friendster a few days ago and i think it's quite true. maybe this is a hint for me to try to interact more with the people in my present cg and to try to improve the situation. i have to think positive and do what i think it's right! YES! I CAN DO IT! GO GO GO!!! JO JO, YOU CAN DO IT!!! haha.

my skin is getting from bad to worse, especially my nose! 2 big pimples and they are leaving scars on my face! plus, my face is starting to peel, probably because it's very dry. i think i'll be looking like a monster by tomorrow! i seriously need some help! i hate it when these problems happen. argh!

i think i gtg now. i have to start the mugging mood again or i won't be able to catch up during lesson time. bye!

my fulfilling march holidays!

2007-03-17T01:44:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

this holiday is seriously a fulfilling one! i've never been so busy during my holidays before but this time it was really jam-packed with loads of activities and fun! haha. i've really spent lots of precious times with my loved ones, friends and even school. although, it's just a short span of one week but i think it's all worth it and memorable.

well, i know i haven't been updating lately because of my "hectic" timetable and laziness. but i still do make an effort to come and update when i feel like it and when i'm free. haha. anyway, no one reads it so it doesn't matter. haha.

like what i've said from the start of this entry, this whole week has been a very busy but enjoyable one. i'm so happy that i've got stuff to do during the holidays and not rot at home, eating, sleeping and gaining weight. haha.

11 march 2007 - 13 march 2007
joanne called to ask me whether i wanted to go to sentosa with the cousins as a family outing. well, the outing was kind of a last minute thing because we didn't realised that everyone had nothing to do on that day. haha. so, joanne, jet, me, amy, xiang, steph, justin, wenna and yiting all went to sentosa just to spend time with one another and have fun together. it's the first time that the cousins went to sentosa together. and it's also our first outing at sentosa! haha. a pity that cindy can't go. and teng, joyce and boy didn't want to go, so they've missed out all the fun. haha.

jet was kind enough to offer me a ride to harbourfront. so i waited for him downstairs for his dad to fetch us there. actually, to be frank, i feel kind of awkward to talk to jet's mum. she's always asking me questions and finding common topics with me to talk to when it was very obvious that there is a generation gap between me and her. but i just played along with her. haha. when we reached harbourfront, we went to look for joanne, xiang and yiting near candy empire. we set off for sentosa without amy and wenna because they were super late. i was so excited! it's been ages since i went to sentosa. haha. so we took the monorail to sentosa and then sat on the tram to the very end of siloso beach. settled down and started playing volleyball. there was this boy who kept looking at the group of us, and we were wondering what he was he up to. then amy and wenna finally came and we proceeded on to get ourselves wet. i didn't want to get myself wet so fast but they dragged and thrown me into the sea. argh! haha. so after they got me wet, we started our plans of getting yiting and wenna wet because they just refused to get into the water. haha. eventually, we did the same thing as what they did to me to get them wet. [get it? haha.] then we started playing ball in the water and attempted to swim to the small island at the other side of the beach. unfortunately, we failed because it was pretty far from where we've settled down. moreover, the seabed was very gross. it was like mud plus algae on the seabed. jet and i find it very disgusting. we vowed never to step on it ever again! haha.

after all the fun, the boy, who kept looking at us from the very beginning, called his brother to approach the group of us, wanting to make friends with stephanie because that boy find steph cute?!?! haha. we were so surprised and made a joke out of it. somehow, i feel that we embarrassed the 2 brothers. haha. so we started teasing steph. finally, that boy took the courage to approach us and wanted to know steph more. steph went to chat with the boy alone while we continued our ball game. before the boys left, they chatted with the whole group of us, wanting to know where we're from and how are we related. obviously, we didn't gave them the real answers that they wanted and we somehow continued teasing them. however, they said something nasty to jet before they left which made jet fuming with anger. haha. [don't take their words to heart, jet! they don't know you. and to you, they are just nobody-s. so don't bother about their words.]

well, after all the drama, we left to bath and took the tram and monorail back to vivocity to have dinner at burger king. initially, we didn't plan to stay over at joanne's house, but after countless persuation from the cousins, i finally gave in and stayed over. i was somehow worried because i have school the next day but i ended up getting the flu virus from wenna and couldn't get up to go to school the next morning. so i messaged miao ying to tell her that i can't go because i was sick. seriously, i think wenna has the potential to spread germs to practically anyone. the whole group of cousins in the room all caught the flu virus! [thanks wenna! as if! haha.]

i planned to go home on monday but somehow or rather i got pressured by jet to stay over for another day. so i spent my sunday, monday and tuesday at joanne's house. we went to bugis on tuesday because joanne had a job interview there. but she was late and the office was already closed so it was a wasted trip for her. just to spend more time together, we went around bugis junction and took a few neoprints together. then we waited for joanne's mum to have dinner at food junction. after dinner, we bid goodbyes and left for home. so basically, i spent my first 3 days of the march holidays with my cousins. it's been quite some time since i had a stayover at joanne's house and i still enjoy staying over at her house with the bunch of cousins. haha.

14 march 2007
cg outing was on this day. we went to ecp to cycle, bowled and arcaded. i was pretty broke by them and initially didn't want to go. however, i feel bad about not going and was unsure whether i should or should not go so i ended up going. as expected, i was the latest to arrive because i woke up at 9am which was the time i was supposed to meet them at bedok interchange. so i called miao ying to tell her that i'll be going straight to ecp myself to meet them. we booked the bicycles at 11am and started cycling towards bedok jetty. i took a few breather there and was feeling kind of relax with the breeze and the sun. anqi started teaching me the mass dance moves at a shelter near the jetty. it was kind of embarrassing at first, to dance in public. but later on, i started to ignore the stares and just learn as much as i could from anqi. then we continued cycling towards the end of ecp, near safra. the scenery there was great so we decided to take a break over there. realising that we only got around 45 minutes to 1pm, we started leaving for the bicycle kiosk to return our bikes on time. regina and miao ying were singing while cycling and i realised they really have great vocals. maybe next year they can perform in mjc's soiree concert. haha.

we made it back to the kiosk on time, and proceeded to have lunch at mac's. siyi joined us as she promised. then we went to play arcade because marina bowl was packed and there wasn't any lane for us to bowl. we have to wait until 4.30pm to get a lane, so we played arcade until around 4.30pm before going back to marina bowl. well, i think playing arcade is a waste of time and money but we had quite a lot of fun playing photo hunt and DDR. haha. and i found out that miao ying is super good in DDR. she can really dance, man! i didn't want to bowl, so i just watched the few of them bowled. after bowling, they wanted to have dinner together but i was on budget and didn't want to spend any more money, so i left them for home. haha.

15 march 2007
i went to school in the morning for atlas OGL meeting. at the same time, i went to buy my uniform. CGs and orientation groupings were released and so i went to check the CG i was in. i didn't really do much in school because we have to wait for the materials. Anqi was feeling happy but also low at the same time, because one, calvin is in the same CG as her, and two, she's not in the same CG as the group of 07S201 PAE. [cheer up, anqi! we'll still stay in contact. and we're still going to see each other in school.]

i left at 12 noon with Azy, a new friend that i've made. i was kind of worried for the NRP interview at NTU. it was such a short notice. i only knew that there was an interview the day before. i was so stressed up that i didn't really sleep well and kept reading articles related to the project. papa fetched me to NTU and we somehow got lost there because the place was huge and complicated. i found my way there eventually and was kind of worried that i'm late but to my surprise, i was the first one to arrive. the hwa chong boy was very late. well, the interview was horrible and i asked plenty of stupid questions. i think i won't be settled to do the project. -sigh- guess i'll just have to let fate do the job. i've did my best and i'm still in a dilemma on whether i want to do the project or not. but since i've gotten myself this far to the project, i guess i'll just give it a go if i'm selected. after the interview, i realised that the competition for university admission is very intense. all the smart people like those students in VJC, HCI, TJC and NJC will all be competing with me. plus, they're all taking 4h2 subjects which gives them higher chances of getting a scholarship in the universities. i kind of regret putting 3h2 and 1h1 for my subject combination. i'll just pray hard that i can make it through JC and get myself a place in the university and get a well paid job after that. -sigh- i've got so many worries.

16 march 2007
SENTOSA OUTING! haha. well, i know this is the second time i went to sentosa for the week, [i've never went to sentosa for so many times before. haha.] but this time round i was with a different group of people.

well, i went to sentosa with the TKGS gang. [me, sheng, siying, calister, sooming and peck hong] we had a lot of fun and did quite a bit of catch up. i got tanner too but it was uneven. [argh!]

ok, i'm a bit too lazy to update already. and the entry is just too long! haha. plus, calister have already updated her blog with pictures in it. so i think i shall just use calister's entry as part of my update. haha. [oops! calister, lend me your entry ok? haha. thanks!]

so updates on the sentosa outing with the tkgians are in calister's blog. haha. there's more pictures than words in her blog so it's less tedious to view them. haha.
calister's blog : www.ablaze-.blogspot.com

i think i'm done with this entry. as you can see, this march holiday is indeed packed with fun activities. mum's been nagging me. to sum it all up, i'm broke, tanned and tired but still a much happier person. and i feel more loved from my family and friends than before. haha. well, i gtg now! bye!

boring day

2007-03-08T20:11:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

i'm bored. i've got nothing to do at home and it's a day break from school today. i should really make good use of my time but i just don't know what i should do. i know i have housechores to do but looking at the state of my house, it would really wears me out to do the housechores. haha.

well, i've been having weird dreams lately and it sometimes bothers me when i wake up. these weird dreams seem to be like a sequel. they have got the same people in it and it somehows interlinks with reality. sometimes, when i wake up, i would still think that i'm dreaming. man! i think i'm the only person in the world who is like this. i should just not sleep and grow eyebags. this way i won't even have to think whether i'm dreaming a not. haha. [just kidding. who would want to grow eyebags?!?!]

oh! joyce told me about her dream today. and it was about me and her quarrelling. [what a dream to dream about! haha.] she said that we were fighting over a piece of necklace which she really wanted to wear out but i refused. she was so pissed off with me and that's the end of her dream. so funny. haha. i think she's having her holidays now. she seems so free at home. i really think that she should help me out with the housechores. haha. ok. i'm being lazy here but come to think of it, who would want to do the housechores during their free time? i know joyce washed the dishes and i did nothing. i volunteered to wash the clothes but whenever i want to wash those stinky dirty clothes, it's already washed by someone else. haha. so it's not my fault that i didn't do the housechores. haha. what a lame excuse!

anyway, i haven't buy my uniform yet. the queue was so long yesterday and the day was so hot, so i decided to buy them during the holidays. it's so troublesome to go back to school just to buy your uniform. i think i'll definately look weird in those blouse and skirt. it's been a while since i wore 2 piece uniforms, but i think i'll get used to it sooner or later. haha. argh! travelling to school is such a chore! the distance from my house to school is so far and i don't wish to go to school just to buy uniforms. it'll take like less than an hour to buy those uniforms and i'll have to travel for almost an hour just to reach school to get them. plus, the days that i need to go to school to settle some OGL stuff does not clash with the days that the uniform stall opens. argh!!! this is so irritating! haha.

i feel so whining today. haha.

gtg now. this entry is pretty short. i think those people who reads my blog would finally heaved a sigh of relief. haha. i know reading my blog is very tedious. i'll try hard to cut short but i'm very nagging and long-winded so don't mind me. haha. ok. bye!

last cg outing

2007-03-06T06:54:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

everything went out smoothly during the last cg outing. it wasn't as saddening and emotional as what i expected. haha. basically, we just met at tampines interchange, waited for the latecomers and then proceeded to play badminton at tampines sports hall. everyone was having a great time throughout the outing [or maybe three-quarters of the outing. haha.] all of them played quite well, and i've realised that shilin is from badminton when she was young. so cool! haha. the way she scooped the shuttle cork from the floor is totally cool! it makes me want to master badminton even more although i know i'm not really very good at it. haha. so, after playing badminton, everyone was exhausted and hungry. but still, it took us a lot of trouble to decide where to eat since everyone wanted to dine at different restaurants. i was quite irritated when the mass of us could not coorperate and come to a final decision on where to have lunch. i almost yelled at them but i didn't. haha. finally, and i mean FINALLY, we settled at jack's place and ate the student's meal there. the food was good and totally worth the cost. haha. just like all outings, we would spent a huge amount of time chit chatting and making lots of noise while eating and after eating. i've also realised that i've a made a fool out of myself, making so much noise, doing so many nonsensical actions and creating a scene in the restaurant! next time, i'm going to stay cool, calm and quiet during the outings. somehow, i regretted reacting the way i did during the outing. i feel such a nuisance now! argh! haha.

back to the point. after eating, i took out the chocolate that i've made as a gift to those who will be leaving MJC. i was feeling quite embarrassed to take it out in such a classy restaurant. i was afraid that everyone will find the chocolate disgusting and didn't want to eat it. plus i wrapped it up in aluminium foil and put it under all the stuff that i brought. i thought it would be squashed by my things. haha. apparently, it did not and after much persuation and support from miao ying, i took up the courage to reveal the chocolate that i've made. i was so scared that i would be a disaster but everyone told me that it was alright and the decorations were quite presentable. haha. i find the chocolate a little too hard though. i expected it to be softer. haha. it took us great effort to cut it up and share among ourselves. and like what i've predicted, we made a mess after eating the chocolate. haha. but, oh well, it's over and i don't want to embarrassed myself again by doing goodies for people. i'm not going to cook for anyone unless the people are extremely close to me! argh!!! i'm feel like a crap now, after mentioning about the chocolate that i've made. argh!!!

we left jack's place at around 4pm and it was really good-bye to shilin. man! i'm going to miss her and the memories that she brought to us. haha. so, i took the train home and bathe to get really to leave for the airport for the next part of the cg outing. i left the house at around 5pm [the time that we were suppose to meet] and saw papa and ying at the lift. haha. papa was nice to offer to fetch me to the airport. so i took his car to the airport. haha. the trip to the airport by car was way awesome! the highroads at the airport was amazing. haha. anyway, i was late as usual but i didn't missed out a lot of fun as the rest of the people were waiting for sherman's arrival. haha. our plan of picking sherman up at the arrival hall failed because yuheng got the terminals all mixed up. we were waiting at terminal 2 while sherman arrived at terminal 1. so we went to skytrain and held put "placcards" up for sherman to see when he alights the skytrain. haha. i was very excited about riding the skytrain but everyone was being such a letdown by not taking the skytrain with me. i somehow forced miaoying, shuzhen and siyi to take the skytrain with me because i was making so much noise at the airport and being so kiddish. i can't believed i did all these!!! now i feel like digging a hole and hide myself!!! argh!!! this is so embarrassing! it's been ages since i rode on the skytrain and i realised that the ride was pretty short and there isn't much to look out from the window. [in fact, there isn't any nice scenery at all!!!] most of the people were starving AGAIN! [i'm really having the thought that these people are pigs. they get hungry so fast! haha.] so we went to check out the restaurants that terminal 2 have. and AGAIN, we took such a long time to decide where to eat. sherman was really tired and moody after his flight. he was showing a black face all the while and i was feeling very bad that i made a lot of noise unknowingly. [sorry, sherman! haha.] FINALLY, we decided to dine at swensen's and i ate curry chicken baked rice! the food was delicious, just that it was a little too spicy after eating it for a while. we were all chit chatting until around 9pm when we realised that it was getting late. so we left swensen's, bid goodbyes to one another and headed off to take the train home. overall, i think the cg outing was a success as everyone enjoyed themselves. i'll missed all of you people in 07s201 and i hope we'll stay in contact and remember the times we spent together as a CG. i'm going to miss those happy times with you people and i'll remember you guys. so don't you dare forget me!!! haha.

i've splurged alot these few days. i really got to save up my money now or else i won't have any cash to spend during my march holidays. haha. someone please help me control my expenditure or else i'm going to be bankrupt!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! haha.

well, family expenses are high these few days and i've realised that joy, teng and me wants to cut our hair. after much consideration for the family, i've decided not to cut my hair for now and maybe wait for a later and more appropriate time to cut. i don't want mum to be upset about getting our haircuts. i know she wants the girls in the family to keep their hair long and shiny. moreover, i'm not settled about the haircut that i want so i think i'll let it go this time. i want to help the family to save money because i feel so bad splurging so much money these few days. plus, i have to get more money from mum to buy my uniform and books. man! this will cost a bomb! seriously, i think i'm way too spend-thrift after entering JC life. i've got to control my spendings!!! i really got to say "no" to good food and outings from now onwards. i'm not being a good girl now! i got to stop this immediately, once and for all!!! JOJO!!! NO MORE SPENDINGS OR NO MORE CASH FOR YOU NOW ONWARDS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

i'm feeling a little lazy now, so i think i'll update on the tkgs outing in my next post. haha. ok i gtg now. bye!

jet's talent

2007-03-03T19:34:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

well, it's sunday today!!! i'm so relaxed! haha. there isn't much to do at home except for housechores which i usually escape from doing them despite mum's constant nagging. haha. i've started doing this food project yesterday and i hope it will be delicious and edible to eat. haha. it's going to be a surprise!!! haha. i'm so excited!! i love surprises! haha.

tmr is the last cg outing we're going to have. it's sad to know that we're seperating but that's life. there's always meetings and departures in life so we'll just have to accept it. i'm really going to miss the folks in 07s201 and the fun we had. they're such lovely people to be around. i'll cherish the last moments we have as a CG. i'm going to make tmr's outing the best ever and make us of our time together to the fullest! haha. we're going to play badminton, dance mass dances, eat together and have loads of surprises to come! haha. hope tmr's outing will be a success! haha. i'm so looking forward for tmr!!! haha.

yesterday was one tiring day. i had MMM try-out and we practically walked the whole of singapore's town. ok i'm exagerrating here but seriously, i was super exhausting. haha. we travelled by train from pasir ris to dhoby ghaut then walked from dhoby ghaut to riverside point then to esplanade followed by some unknown place around bugis area and back to esplanade. the whole of group 4 walked for about 7 hours, with breaks in between. haha. it was a good exercise, i guess. and i made quite a number of friends too, though i don't really remember their names. haha. so after MMM rackey [i think it's spelt this way. haha.], i went home to start on the food project. it turned out quite alright actually. i was hoping that it would be a disaster because i'm not good at baking and stuff. haha. teng helped me so that i won't make a mess out of the living room and the kitchen. haha. i've not finished the food project yet, still left the decorating part. i'm afraid i'll ruin the whole thing when i decorate it. frankly, i'm not the arts and craft type of person and it's difficult to decorate the food when you have limited resources. haha. i'll just have to make do with the things i have. haha. hope it will turn out well eventually. haha.

oh! jet started his heart attack @ the disco video tribute a few days ago and shown me his final product yesterday. it was terrific! love it man! haha. mum, teng and boy even praised him while watching it. haha. mum even wanted jet to do a video tribute for the aunts. haha. so funny! haha. seriously, jet, i think you're super duper uber talented in softwares, games, and video making! you're so IT savvy! i lose out to you, man! haha. your video making skills have also improved alot and i love the effects in that latest video of yours! haha. i want to learn from you! one day, i'll go to your house and we'll start on a new cousin tribute together. haha. i've also started liking click five songs because of your video! you sure are good at music selection, jet! and i trust your taste. haha.

i shall promote jet's talent cum video here. haha.
jet's video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HND1X4E-lkQ

gtg now. going to continue on my food project. haha. bye!

dedications to MJC peeps/ black book present!

2007-03-01T05:00:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

i'm so touched by the peeps in MJC! they're such sweet people! they did this super duper meaningful black book for me as my birthday present! it's got loads of photographs, doodles, and wishes from the friends that i've made in MJC! oh man!!! i feel so fortunate!!! i didn't really expect them to put in so much effort into making my birthday present because we barely know each other for long. normally, i would receive birthday gifts from friends that i have known for many years and i thought this year would be the same. well, i was wrong. i'm so blessed to get to know this bunch of nice atlas bananas!!! they really bring colours to my life in MJC!

i've been so happy the whole day!! i just can't stop smiling while looking through that book! it's like so memorable and it brings back memories of the times we had during orientation and lessons. time really flies when we have fun. just looking through the black book makes me think of so many wonderful experiences i had in MJC and the friends that i've made. i'm really going to cherish the book and these people! i can't help sharing this joy to the whole world now! i feel like telling the whole wide world that these people are extremely fabulous people that i've ever seen!!!

after all these things that they done for me, i feel so bad that i've not made much effort into getting to know these people well and to treating these nice folks as well as they treated me. i even accused them of laughing at me! i feel so guilty!!! man! why did i do all these things!!! i should really reflecton my actions and the way i treated them. AAAHHH!!! this guilt is making me feel like a baddie!!! man!!! i think i should buy some chocolates or something to show my gratitude towards them or i will seriously feel that i'm a mean soul! haha.

i've been looking through the book umpteen times already and also shown it to numerous people, boasting about how nice the peeps in MJC are. the contents of the book is making feel so emotional but at the same time happy. emotional because many of us will be going to different schools and classes and we'll all be seperated. happy because i realised that there are many people around me that loves me and cares for me as friends. this feeling totally fits into the song "all good things come to an end" that nelly furtado sang. aw~! i'm so confused about my feelings now! at one moment, i feel jumpy and chirpy. then another moment, i will feel so blue and solemn. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i really need help in EMOTION MANAGEMENT!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!! haha.

let's leave all the doleful topics aside. i should be feeling happy now and no one is going to spoilt this feeling! my main objective of this entry hasn't been fulfilled. i'm here to thank people and i'm going to thank them now so here goes...

many thanks to the peeps that put in so much effort into making the black book. i know i gave you guys a hard time to hide this secret. i was suspecting something weird going on the past 2 weeks [all that phototaking sessions and stuff] and i've been asking around. i was guessing whether the black book, which you guys were keeping it from me, was for me. i've asked calvin and he somehow convinced me that i'll find out sooner or later whether i was for me or not. i've tried to asked the others but failed. you guys really keep your mouth zip very tightly!!! but i'm glad you people did that or else it won't be much of a surprise to me. i was actually starting to be convinced that the black book was not for me because days past and i thought that my birthday has already been a history to you guys. well, i'm very thankful to guys for making this birthday a memorable and colourful one. it's been really enjoyable knowing you people and having you people around during lectures and tutorials. although i know there are times that i've been mean and nasty to you people, i truthfully hope that you people will forgive me for all the unhappiness that i've created and i hope that you people will stay cheerful and happy always. i also wish that you guys will not get tired of all my silly actions and my existence. i know i didn't treat you guys as well as you people treated me. i'll try hard to know you guys well and give you the same treatment as what you guys gave me. i truely am touched for all the things that you guys have done for me and also for the experiences and fun that you peeps gave me. i know i may be nagging, annoying and stupid most of the times. but please bear with it. i'll try to not ask as many questions in class as possible so that lessons will be carried out in a normal way and time will not be delayed for you guys to leave for recess. ok. this is getting more and more emo. haha. back to the main point. THANKS FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU PEOPLE HAVE GIVEN ME. I'LL CHERISH THEM FOR LIFE AND WILL REMEMBER YOU GUYS REGARDLESS OF WHERE WE'LL GO IN THE FUTURE. HOPE YOU GUYS WON'T FORGET ME AND I WON'T FORGET YOU PEOPLE. THANK YOU GUYS ONCE AGAIN!!! haha. THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! haha.

oh ya! i know that rachel contributed alot to the black book. shall write one thanks solely for her although i know it's quite bias... sorry peeps. haha.

to rachel: i know you spent countless sleepless nights making this book. sorry about that. because of the book, you have developed eye bags. i'll give you tips to reduce it if i have. haha. thank you so much for everything! really glad to know you as a friend and the rest of the gang. i feel bad about the blog incident. i'm so sorry. forgive me can? haha. well, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE BOOK AND THE MEMORABLE 17th BIRTHDAY!!! really appreciate the things that you done for me! YOU ROCK! and continue rocking... haha.

ok i think this entry should be long enough. it's like half emo and half enthu. haha. hope you guys don't mind. but seriously, it's a pity that we're going to seperate soon. so we should and must make full use of our time together and cherish it. agree? haha. ok. i gtg now! bye! thank you guys so much! i'll cherish the book and place it in a super duper uber safe place! haha.

the bestest birthday ever!

2007-02-16T07:04:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

today is a happy day!!! and i love happy days!!! i love tomorrow also! because it's my birthday! haha. i'm in such a hyped mood now!!! i've been happy the whole day!!! haha. i feel so loved by my friends! haha. i didn't expect them to remember my birthday! haha.

well, it goes like this. i went to school [MJC] as usual and sat for the chinese new year performance in the hall. the overall performance was alright but some performances was horrible. haha. ok. i shan't elaborate on the performance because it is not the main point in this point. haha. so after the performance, i met up with sheng jie to visit our secondary school for a reunion with the gang of friends. but apparently, siying and gang forgotten about me and sheng jie and left for pasir ris mrt without us! haha. that's so sad! hence, me and sheng have to go to the pasir ris macdonald's to meet them so that we could leave for our secondary school together.

TKGS hasn't change much and the performance there hasn't improved much. it's always the usual skits and lion dance. but this time, the monk, that gave out sweets during the performance, was a small little boy. he made the performance so lively! he's so cute! haha. we took quite a number of pictures in the canteen and chatted with some teachers. after that, we left the school to eat together as a reunion lunch! haha. we went to plaza singapura's pizza hut and ordered the group set lunch. haha. while waiting for the food to be served, we chatted, joked, laughed, crapped and catched up with one another. the food came and it was very filling! it made me so bloated especially after drinking the glass of cola. haha.

anyway, calister found out that she had some girl troubles so she went to the toilet with eunice to settle the mess. they took such a long time to come back so we had to wait for them in pizza hut even though we finished eating our food and the table was about to be cleared by the waiter. finally, they came back and i thought we were going to leave. but no! we weren't. but it feels quite normal because we usually hang up for a while in the restuarant after having a big meal, so i continued chatting with them, not realising anything suspicious. then the waiter came with a number of clean plates. hmmm? it was only at this time that i find it very suspicious. i thought the gang had forgotten about my birthday. i thought they weren't celebrating. i thought it was just a normal and usual reunion lunch. i really took what they've told me yesterday! i have no idea that they had it all planned! there wasn't a hint of oddity during the trip to plaza sing. everything went out so smoothly and normally that i didn't even realised it! haha. after that, the waiter came out of the kitchen with a lit up birthday cake! i was so surprised! it wasn't expected! i was so touched! i can't believe they remembered! i feel so loved by them! i feel that they really do cherish me as a friend! i'm so happy! they really made my day all so fulfilling and meaningful!!! i feel so fortunate to have them!! I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!! haha.

so we sang both the english and chinese version birthday song. i made a wish and blew the candles in one shot! haha. then i cut the mango cake! it was so yummy! haha. although everyone was so full after eating the pizza and pasta, they still ate the cake. haha. the taste of the cake still can be tasted in my mind! it's so delicious!!! haha. i'm so glad that i have this gang of friends! they haven't forgotten about me even when we went to different schools! i'm so touched! they're so sweet! it makes me feel like telling the whole world that i have such wonderful friends in my life! haha. I LOVE YOU GUYS LOADS AND I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER AND CHERISH YOU GUYS!!! haha.

we took a group photo outside plaza singapura. haha. i feel so loved! oh man!!! i feel so blessed now!!! i'm so happy!!! AAAHHH!!! i can't stand it!!! i feel like jumping, dancing and shouting for joy!!! haha.

our group photo! LOVE YOU ALL!!!

i think i gtg now! it's late and it's my birthday!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! haha. i'm a happy birthday girl! haha. bye!

happy valentine's day!

2007-02-15T00:25:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! haha. well, i guess it should be belated happy v'day since v'day was yesterday. haha. there was so much fun in school and we were all in a hype mood. haha. i also recieved loads of gifts from peeps in school. THANK GUYS FOR THE GIFTS AND FLOWERS!!! I REALLY LOVE THEM!!! haha.

i feel so bad not giving presents to some of them because i didn't have enough materials and time to make the gifts. plus, the gift that i gave was really very cheap. it's a 2B pencil that i've decorated with strings and paper hearts. but overall, i think it looked quite nice! teng even said that it looked like love arrows! haha. anyway, i'm quite disappointed with some peeps that said my gifts were very budget. i mean i know that it's very cheap but it's the thought that counts right? plus, i really put in alot of effort making them. even though i was really busy the day before v'day, i still made an effort to decorate the pencils until 3.30am! i think i shouldn't say anything about this. it just makes me think that these peeps are materialistic. and i don't want to think of them that way. anyway, i hope the peeps in school [other than those who said that it's very cheap!] like my pencils! haha.

well, i had volleyball training on valentine's day and it was better than any of the other trainings that we had previously! haha. the group i was in kept bullying this senior. and that senior keep smiling to himself! he's so funny! haha. plus, one of the seniors was also being mean by staying away from me when it was my turn to dig the ball. haha. but i know he mean no harm. he was very fun! haha. i think i'm getting better in volleyball. at least i feel that i've improved in my digging! haha.

i've finally submitted my JAE form to MOE via the internet. i'm a little worried that i won't have any chances in getting into the school of my choice. and i'm having second thoughts about it. i just hope that everything will turn out well and that i won't regret my decisions in future. well, here are the schools that i've chosen in my choices:

1st choice: MJC
2nd choice: SAJC
3rd choice: NYJC
4th choice: TPJC
5th choice: SRJC
6th to 12nd choice: poly courses.

i've been listening to this japanese song that is called Kokoro Odoru. it's so nice and hippy! Really love listening to it! the rhythm of it really makes me want to do dance and jump all around! it's just has this catchy tune and it makes my mood happy when i listen to it! haha. Jet likes it too! haha. i shall to listen to it as often as possible so that my mood will always be high sky! haha.

tmr's chinese new year eve and i still haven't buy any new year clothes. apparently, new year is the only time i buy new clothes so i guess this year i won't be having any new clothes to wear except for the new school uniform after the school posting results are released. moreover, i'm broke! this is what happens when you are in a school that is so far away from home and you have to take public transport so many times a day! mum told me to buy a transport concession but i don't know whether i should buy the bus concession or the mrt concession since i'm travelling on both of these transports every school day!!! i also realised that i've been very spendthrift these few weeks. i really need to save up or else i'll really be broke by the end of this month which isn't a good sign of the new year. haha.

hua yang shao nian shao mu is showing on channel U today!! i'm so happy!!! i'm going to catch it no matter what! haha. ok, i think i gtg now! bye!

contented or disappointed?

2007-02-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

i know i should be contented with my results. mum, teng, the cousins and everyone is proud of me and are very happy for me. but i'm still very disappointed about my results. i didn't see any improvements from my prelims in my O'level results. my physics even downgraded to an A2 instead of an A1. i expected it to be better but it just remain the same as my prelims. maybe i was too complacent after getting my prelim results. argh!!! i'm to blame for not trying harder and for not managing my time during O'levels. this is what i get when i didn't finish my O'level papers. i deserve to get this results. i know it. -sigh-

i cried in school as expected. i was scared, stressful and all. the minute it was my turn to take my results i started crying. i think i was just too tense. haha. everyone was jumping for joy and congratulating one another with hugs. Loads of good news for TKGS this year and i'm happy about it. At least we've prove that TKGS can make it. haha.

well, loads of people sms-ed me and called me to ask for my results. didn't know what to tell them at first. didn't feel like telling them but in the end, i did. i feel like a loser. i don't know how i should feel right now. it's like a mixture of happiness and sadness inside. more of a disappointment i guess. -sigh- there's nothing much i could do now anyway. just have to accept the fact and try to be contented with it. maybe i set myself too high an expectation. it's no use brooding over it i guess so i think i should just try lightening up my feelings and increase my endolphins as much as possible to be happy. haha. JO! BE HAPPY!!! IT'S NOT THAT BAD RIGHT? AT LEAST YOU NEVER LET THE FAMILY DOWN! YOU CAN DO IT JO!!! CHEER UP!!!

done with self-consultation. haha. i know it's quite lame. but i think it's good to talk to yourself when you're down. haha. so after getting my results and chatting with a few friends and teachers, sheng and i went to parkway to eat KFC alone because the bandits didn't want to join us. we wanted to ask calister to join us but she was on her way home when we asked her. what a pity. anyway, it's been ages since i ate KFC's bandito pocket and mashed potato. the mashed potato was still as good as last time but the bandito pocket not that tasty. while eating, sheng and i chatted quite a bit of heart to heart stuff. i'm kind of scared to lose my friends after going into a new school. people becomes strangers after they don't meet each other for a long time and i don't want that to happen between me and my good friends. i really hope sheng and i will still remain good friends even if we go to different schools or different classes. i'm really thankful to have this good friend with me in all my four years in TKGS despite having to split classes when we enter secondary 3. haha. LEE SHENG JIE, we will always be good friends right? we won't be strangers after leaving for a new environment right? we will still have lots of things to talk about right? SHENG JIE!!! FRIENDS FOREVER!!! haha. [oh my. it's kind of embarrassing to say that. but who cares? haha.]

ok. so i've gotten my results back and have only less than 6 days to make a decision for my future. i'm quite lost when it comes to decision making. i can't consult my parents because they seem to know nothing about JCs and polys. i don't have many people to consult to. maybe the cousins will help me but they seem to be busy. what's more, i don't even know what i want. so how can they help me in my decisions when i don't even know the answer. haha. i shall think hard during the weekends. going to ask quite a number of people before i settle down on my decisions. should i stay or should i go? haha.

i think that's about it. it's pretty late now and i have to wake up early tomorrow. oh well. gtg now! bye!

I'M SO SCARED!!!

2007-02-08T02:08:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

TOMORROW'S THE DAY!!! I'M SO SCARED!!! HOW?!?! I CAN'T STOP THINKING AND WORRYING ABOUT MY RESULTS!!! CAN I MAKE IT? WILL I MAKE IT? WHAT IF I DON'T MAKE IT?!?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO?!?! AAAAAHHH!!! HELP!!!

my mind is bombarded with lots of questions and "what if". i really can't stop thinking about my results. i'm very worried that i'll get disappointing grades and i can't go to the school of my choice. besides, i still haven't decided on where i want to go and what i want for my future. i'm so scared! i really need someone to give me advice and calm me down. i'm so panicky now! mum's not going to get the results with me. this is like the first time she's not accompanying me to take something so important in my life. i can't believe it! i wanted her to go with me but i was really a little embarrassed to tell her since i'm a big girl already. i thought she would take leave to accompany me without me telling her. she always do that in the past. now, i have to face the truth all by myself. it's like a signal to me that i have to start growing up and not depend on my mum anymore. oh man! i'm so scared!!! i think i can't make it! i think i will fail my english, geography and combine humanities! i think i'll disappoint myself and my parents and teachers! i think i'm so going to be doom tmr! what am i to do?!?! AAHHH!!!

i feel so stress and i can't stop myself from feeling that way. i know i'm back to my old self again. being paranoid and all, but the fact is i really am very worried about my results. everyone in school seem so relax and confident. they look like they can get into the school of their choice and get flying colours in O'levels. i don't have confident in myself. i didn't finish my geography paper, my social studies paper and my history elective paper. my english is so poor. how am i going to pass?!?! how am i going to get into the school of my choice? how am i going to have a bright future? i probably fail english and all my humanities in O'level. i think these are the subjects that are going to pull my marks down. worse still, i didn't complete my physics paper! man! there goes my A1 for physics! it's going to be bad news tomorrow! i know it! i know it's going to be bad news! how?!?! i don't want bad news! i want good news! but what can i do about it?!?! i'm so scared! HELP ME!!!

time really flies. i didn't expect the release of the results to be so soon. i know i have to face it someday but i didn't know that that day was so near. all the time spent in MJC was so enjoyable that i forgot the time. that is why people always say that time passes so fast when you do happy things. i totally agree. what if my results can't take me to MJC?!?! what if no schools would want me?!?! i have no talent and i have no grades to prove that i'm capable. which school would want a student like me? they prolly want better people out there. they won't want a dumbo like me. man!! i can't take it anymore!!! i going to burst sooner or later!!! all the questions! all the worries! i don't know what to do!!! i bet cousins, relatives, friends and everyone around me would ask me how much i got. how am i going to tell them about the bad news? how am i going to face them all? i don't know. i think i would just lock myself up in my bedroom and cry all day. i think i'll be so ashamed to face the world. i'm going crazy!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!

maybe i should start thanking every new friend that i made in MJC who have brighten up my day and made a differences in my life. i know i cannot make it to MJC with my results. so in case i won't be seeing them anymore, i'll just dedicate some thanks to them for being my friends.

to Atlas 7: thank you guys for changing me into a better person and to help me realise the other side of myself. thank you for being my friends and thank you for all the fun jokes, laughters and everything that made my every single day in MJC so fulfilling. i wish you guys all the best in what you do and good luck for O'levels! we have bonded so much but it's a pity that we have to split classes. i will remember you guys and will always be a friend of all of you. thank you peeps for all the crappiness and everything!

to ben, siwee, freda and terence: thank you guys for making such a wonderful start in my MJC life. the orientation was great and all the hard work has paid off. i really appreciate the efforts that you guys put in during orientation and making Atlas 7 so bonded! you guys are marvellous seniors and OGLs. i love you guys! [although this sounds a little weird. but you know what i mean. haha] hope to see you guys again. [if i really can make it to MJC, that is.] wish you guys all the best and good luck in whatever you do! hope you guys have a great valentine's day this year. [although i know ben will be so sad on that day. haha. don't worry, ben. your right girl will appear soon. haha.] thanks for all the crappiness, laughter and fun! THANK YOU ALL!!!

to 07S201: thank you guys for making lessons so enjoyable. thanks to all the girls for making PE seem so fun and less exhausting. [although i know it still is tiring] thank you peeps for making chinese lessons so entertaining and for lightening up the atmosphere during chemistry lessons. thank you guys for making GP lessons so interesting and less difficult. [but i still know it's tough] thank you guys [especially powerpuff girls, and the gang from Atlas 7] for all the gossips and crap that we had in school. thank you for making recess lively and less lonesome. i really appreciate the accompaniment of all of you. all the best to you guys and wish you guys good luck for your O'level results!

i know i still got lots more of people to thank. i'll thank them personally when i see them or else this post will be super long and many peeps will complain again. but oh well, i think i still decide the length of my entry as long as i like it. haha. i have somehow calm down a little while typing out the "thank you" messages. it just reminds me of all the many wonderful memories i've spent in MJC. what great time i had! i know happy times passes fast so i just have to accept it that all these are just memories stored in the head and can't be driven back. reality reality. why must we always face reality? why can't we just live in dreamland and forever not wake up? then all the happy things will stay forever. -sigh-

oh well. i think i gtg now. once again, i thank you peeps for making friends with me. thank you! gtg now. bye!

found out

2007-02-01T02:14:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

i'm so irritated by the fact that my OG found my blog. argh!!! worse still, i don't know how to lock it. i've already lost the code that cindy gave me!!! now i can't do anything to prevent them from reading and laughing at me!!! why don't they have anything better to do? Why can't they be like Jet who does not do things that i don't like and doesn't laugh at me! i don't want to be tease by them again! i'm so annoyed now! am i that funny? sometimes, they really make me like a fool. i'm not dumb but they keep thinking that i'm dumb. ok. maybe not dumb but blur. i'm not!! it's just that sometimes i never hear them talk properly and i never pay attention to what they say. plus, they keep teasing me on the way i talk. argh!! i think i'm just a joke to them. maybe i'm just simply being paranoid now. i don't want to care anymore! i think i'll just let them tease all they want and be a joke. read all you want! and i'm warning you that it's going to long, tedious and draggy. hmmmph!

well, i'm pretty fine in school and have already settled down on the lectures and tutorial work system. i'm so glad that i'm able to cope with the current work that they are giving but i think it's just for PAE. the O'level results are coming soon and i'm so scared that i'm going to get poor grades! time passes so fast!! i didn't expect the O'level results to be released that early. i was expecting it to be in mid feburary. oh man! i'm so scared!!! what if i can't get the L1R5 that i want? what if i can't even go into a JC? what if i fail my english? argh!!! i don't want!! how?!?! i'm so scared now!!! i don't want to take my results!!! how?!?!

my fitness level is still not up to the standard that i want. i had PE today and was so demoralised by the fact that i'm not able to do the circuit training well. halfway through the second set of the circuit training, i'm already breathless and exhausted. argh! my stamina is not up and my arms are super weak! i can't do a proper push-up! i want to build up my stamina but i'm so lazy. i've been procrastinating the runs that i've intended to do to build up my stamina. argh!! plus, i didn't expect volleyball to be such a relaxed CCA. i wanted some tough training there to keep me fit but all we do is dig the ball, serve and many other basics. i want to master the basics but i'm not doing it right! my arms are also weak so i can't make a proper serve. the ball can't even go over the net when i serve!!! argh!!! there's so many pro platers in volleyball. i think i won't be as good as them. AAHH!! no! i must practice! practice makes perfect and i shall master the basics!!! JO, YOU CAN DO IT!!! haha.

i feel like cutting my hair to some tomboyish style. i'v been noticing the hair styles of some girls in MJ and i like those super short ones. but it will be difficult to maintain the length if i were to cut that short. moreover, i think mummy won't allow me to cut until that length, or else she will start nagging. that time she was so shock to see joy cut the tomboy style. i also think that my hair is not suitable for that length. i bet it will look like some afro-hairdo when i cut till that length. shall consider carefully before i really want that length. -sigh-

i'm feeling so heaty now. i've been eating loads of heaty food. i just can't resist those almond cookies and chipmore that mum bought. they shouldn't keep buying or else i'll keep eating and then the pimples will start breaking out again!!! i have this big pimple at my right cheek now and it bleed yesterday!!! i hope it doesn't leave a scar or else i'll have this dark patch at my right cheek. haha. i'm such a pig! i keep telling myself not to eat heaty stuff but then mum just keep buying them to tempt me. then i'll finish the whole packet of chipmore [just like what i did just now] and they will start complaining that they didn't even get to eat it. haha. why i can't resist the temptation!!! why!!!

oh ya! i signed up for NRP. i've been thinking about it yesterday about whether to join NRP or not and i've decided to join it in the end. but i'm afraid that i'll procrastinate my work and will not be able to cope with the wordload in school if i join it. i still have to go through an interview in order to be settled for the programme. i guess this will test whether i'm able to learn independently and be able to manage my time more evenly. i'll just try my best for the interview, provided that i'm able to enter a JC with my O'level results. -sigh-

i think i gtg now. shall update during the weekends. ok. gtg. bye!

to not commit is to feel guilty

2007-01-21T03:05:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

school's been quite alright recently. i'm kind of use to the JC school life now but there are somethings that i still trying to adapt to it. i've been pretty worried about CCAs this week because some people have started their CCA trainings already and i have got no news from the CCA of my choice. hopefully, they will call for me for training this week. oh! and i've also joined Chingay as part of my CIP. haha. it's quite boring actually. i was expecting some real activities to do but sadly no. we just have to sit on the floor of the hall of SRJC and listen to one man speak. yup. it's that boring. haha. and they also have some impromptu skits that involves us to play when our names are called up. i really find the Chingay training meaningless but oh well, i've signed up for it so i have to attend to it. haha. but this week's training was fun even though it was optional. we have to QC [quality control] the teddy bears which the people will be selling during chingay. it was so easy to judge whether the bear is worth $5 a not but when it comes to designing the clothes for the bears, it was one tough task. haha. we [xiao xian, this girl who i forgotten what her name was, me and some other people] QC the bears so fast that we had nothing to do. then we had to join the rest in making clothes or rather decorating the bears with ribbons. a test of our creativity! haha. some ribbons were nice and we had to use them to design many weird accessories and clothes for them so that they will look $5 worth. but seriously, it still look cheap to me. haha. i saw some other bears that were dressed by others and they were awesome! man, they were so creativity! haha. well, after chingay, i lunched with the new friend i made and xiao xian at bishan junction 8's KFC. haha. we chatted and eat. and xiao xian was nice to offer me her mash potato cos she doesn't want it. [the mash potato very yummy what. why you don't like? haha.] then very coincidentally, i met benjamin with his canoeing friends eating at the same KFC. haha. he was just sitting at the table next to us. haha. so after we ate, we [xiaoxian and i] left for the mrt. the new friend took bus home so she doesn't need to take a train. i was kind of vexed at that moment because i had to attend kangli's church. she had invited me to go and join her service. i was very bothered by it because i've been to church before and i do believe that there is Him but i'm happy being a freethinker as i am now. so i'm kind of afraid that they will asked me to join their service and be a christian. sometimes i find being a christian really bears a huge responsibility. i'm afraid that i'm a sinner that He can't forgive. i'm afraid that i'll disappoint Him so i really think that i can't commit to Him and i'll feel guilty not being committed. i know that it's good to have Him to talk to when i'm in doubts and to have Him to trust and to think that there is Him to support me and keep me strong. but i really think that i can't carry this huge duty. i don't think i'm up to this challenge so most likely, i won't be joining. sorry to disappoint you, kangli. please understand how i feel. honestly, i think kangli's church is a little different from the church i went last time. it's not a real church. it's just a place where they attend service. i was expecting a real church like i used to go in the past but to my surprise, it was not. haha. the mood there is quite light so i feel kind of easy there. haha. oh! before i went for chingay, i was taking the same train as the MJ consellors then i feeling so uneasy because they are like seniors to me. they were also going to bishan for the chingay thingy so we alighted at the same station. then i don't know where exactly the chingay training was located so i followed them thinking that they will know. but they don't! this was when i met the new friend. haha. she was also lost and she approached me to ask whether i was going for the chingay thing and i said yes. so we went to asked the bus control station uncles and they too don't know where the place was. then we walked around and found the lift to where the location was but we didn't go back to tell the consellors. so they were literally clueless of where the place was and i felt so bad not going back to tell them. when xiao xian called to ask me where the place was, i gave her direction through the phone and asked her whether the consellors were still downstairs and they were! haha. i was feeling so guilty when they came up with xiao xian to the place. haha. i guess this will be demerit point during my OGL interview. haha.

that's was all for yesterday. now for some highlights of the week, i was sabotaged to be the GP rep. my CG teacher and GP teacher is the same person and his name is mr maxilian cheong. in short, we call him mr max or mr cheong but i think mr max sound nicer. haha. my first impression of him was strict because he speak english so fluently and he kind of scolded reuben for calling him "cher". no one dares to offend him. i think he'll be a good teacher to discipline the class but he's quite nice after some lessons with him. i also have special treatment from him because i'm the GP rep. he's quite a gentleman actually but the bad thing about him is that he keeps saying that girls are people who cannot be offended, which can be quite true sometimes. haha. a very famous statement that i've learnt from him: Hell knows/ hath no fury liked a women scorned. well, GP lessons are quite interesting. it's like a lesson that we discussed about issues and topics and also a classroom where we present our thoughts and ideas. it's something like "shoot!" but a lot more quieter and less agressive. i still prefer "shoot!" though. haha. too bad, it's already over. i'm really hoping that there's a next season. haha. back to the point. mr max told me that jonathan was the one that sabotaged me but i know there are also others that called my name when mr max was asking for a GP rep. [you guys watch out!] haha. so when it was our first chemistry lesson cum practical, jonathan volunteered to be the chem rep. but he didn't know that our chemistry teacher was so fierce. he was just senting himself to trouble. haha. i'm so glad that i'm the GP rep instead of a chemistry rep. but i wanted to be the math rep. oh well, just have to accept reality. haha.

we have some tutorials to do these week which keeps us busy. finally, there's some work to do! i was starting to think that JC life is so relax and slack when people keep telling me that it's so stressful. now that i have tutorials to do, i really do feel some stress in me. the tutorials are pretty difficult to attempt, especially math when it comes to trigonometry. there's so many formulaes to memorise!! haha. there's also an economics test come this tuesday. man! exams again!!! but i think it's quite good. at least i'm expose to a little stress in my JC life and have a test on whether i can cope on in this life. this would better help me in my decision to choose on my future route. haha.

i've finally met samuel, who is jet's best friend. he's pretty tall for a sec 3. at least taller than the boys i usually see. haha. i also met another friend of jet called sabrina. she have a choir face and i was not wrong about that. but she's an ex-choir member. now she's a librarian. so wasted! anyway, i met them at elias CC on friday after school. they were in the dance room, wasting their youth away and doing nothing. haha. we just chat, played with the disc player, jumped around and pretty much slack. haha. then we left at around 4.30pm. sabrina went home. so jet, samuel and i went exploring around pasir ris park. we took a bus to downtown east and walked around the park, looking for a maze. we walked quite a lot and found the maze which is the maze i went during MMM. haha. i was blindfolded back then so i didn't know what the interior of the maze looked like. the maze was pretty eerie, with all the plants that looked like they were dying as you walk deeper in. and the centre of the maze was a tall pole filled with vanderlisation. then we walked out of the maze and wanted to explore the swamp which we went before. but we found a route to a sight-seeing tower so we went. the place was quite deserted and smelly. it was a swamp. we saw crabs, inserts and many other creepy crawly. it was really like a maze. we were like walking in circles although jet and samuel said that we weren't. and finally, we reached the rest place that is at the swamp that we went before. we even saw a komodo lizard opposite the rest place from our view. haha. it was humongous! haha. it was already 5.30pm so we headed back out but we didn't know the route back to the actual place where we started so we just went out so any opening which we can find. apparently, the exit that we went was a place that we don't even know so we just walked aimlessly, hoping that we would find a bus stop. but eventually, we walked to the bus interchange. haha. then i decided to go to jet's house since i was exhausted and had intended to go to his house to play. so samuel left home and jet and i took a bus back to his [jet's] house. it's been quite a while since i visited his house. it's still the same and much neater than my house. haha. so much spacious! he also showed me the video that he made for the cousins. it's called cousin tribute special edition. haha. it was fantastic but i still think he can improve on it. haha. it's already an excellent attempt for a amateur like him. haha. then joanne called to say that she's coming!!! haha. well, joanne, wei wei kor kor and xiang thought that the aunts' outing on friday was a cousin outing so they went. but it turned out that it was not and they decided to go to jet's house. haha. and coincidentally, i was also at jet's house so we chatted and played until mum called to ask us home. haha. we left jet's house at 11pm and took a train back home with my mum and the other aunts. haha. it was quite fun after all. haha. we have decided to organise a cousin outing this coming friday!!! so exciting!! can't wait for that day to come!!! we're going vivocity!!! i've never been there before. AAAHHH!!! i'm so excited!!! haha. i think we're going to shop for chinese new year clothes, even though i can't celebrate it this year. but well, it's going to be a fun and spirited cousin outing which i can't miss! haha. must start saving up now! haha.

ok. i gtg now. have got loads of tutorials to do and i also need to study for econs test. haha. bye!

CCA troubles/ OG outing

2007-01-13T07:38:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

the com hanged when i was typing a post out! it was such a long post! argh!!! what a waste of time to retype everything again and to recap what i have written just now! argh!!! i want my previous entry back!!! GIVE IT BACK TO ME!!! AAAHHH!!!

ok. as requested by XX, i am here writing this post [again!] and dedicating it to XX since she thinks i'm very real in my blog. haha. [real? i wonder what she means? how can someone be fake?] XX wants me to talk about the volleyball trials that i went on thursday. it was quite alright and interesting but the weather was a letdown. it was pouring so we didn't do much but just pass some balls around with our arms. however, i've learnt a little skill about volleyball just by passing it around. it's my first time playing! my hand and arms doesn't hurt at all when i pass the ball. not bad right? haha.

well, i've been troubling about what CCA to choose in the past few days. but it's all over now since i've already submitted my CCA form to the school after listening to the advices of carol jie, jet and a couple of friends. there were so many CCA to choose and they all looked fresh to me. so i was at a lost of what to choose. i wanted a CCA that is new and challenging and there were so many of them that i liked! there were canoeing, volleyball, tennis, badminton, squash, sailing, choir and ten pin bowling. but in the end, i've settled on volleyball as my first choice, badminton as my second choice and tennis as third choice. i'm still a little worried though. i'm worried that i've made the wrong choices and that i'll regret taking up that CCA. what am i to do?!?! -sigh-

i'll elaborate on how i've made my choices. basically, i've screwed up badminton trials so i didn't want to put it as my first choice since i know that i'll get into the recreational team if i get in. but i still liked playing badminton [especially with my brother] so i put it as my second choice. then there was sailing and squash. although i've never tried them before, but i don't seem to have as much likings on them as the others. hence, i've decided not to put any of them into my choices. as for ten pin bowling, it's an expensive sport and it's quite slack although it's also fun. so i've decided not to include it into my choices. CHOIR! choir is the only performing arts CCA that i want to join but i never went for their auditions so i thought i would not have a chance in getting into it. thus i didn't put it in as one of my choices. as for tennis, i find it very fun when i tried it during the try outs but i don't have a tennis racket. so i decided to put tennis as my third choice instead of my second choice. volleyball and canoeing are two difficult decisions to make. i was thinking of putting canoeing, volleyball and badminton/ tennis. but after hearing some rumors and advices from people around me, i've decided not to put canoeing as my choice. i somehow regret not putting it but oh well, what can i do now since i've already submitted the form. haha. canoeing is a very tough sport and i heard that the training is very tough. during the trials for canoeing, they made the freshies run on the track for 10 minutes and see how many rounds they can run. they also made them do pull ups or inclined pull ups. after hearing all these, i was thinking whether i would be able to take the training if i join it. i know it's challenging and it seems very fresh and interesting to me. but kendra said that it was not practical to put it as a CCA since i know that i'm not very sporty. therefore i decided to be realistic and not put it as one of my choices. -sigh- hope that i would not regret it. yup. as i've said just now, i went for the volleyball trials on thursday and i kind of like volleyball a little. so since i wanted to try something new and that i want some challenge to it, i decided to put volleyball as my first choice. i think i should be able to cope with their trainings. it doesn't seem as tough as that of canoeing. so hopefully, i'll get into volleyball. good luck to me! haha.

ok. that's all for CCAs. i should just stop thinking about it. [which i can't! -sigh-] now i'll talk about the OG outing that i had today. it started out a little boring because we had to wait for many of them to arrive. before the outing, i went for the chingay training so after that, i took a bus with yuheng and reuben to tampines to meet up with the other members. reuben didn't join us as he had something on. so i, together with yuheng and friends, went to a food court to settle down and talk because we were a little too early for the outing. then at about 1.30pm, yuheng and i left for the macdonald's near the interchange to meet jocelyn, jasmine, sherman, anqi and louis. they were all quite shocked to see that i was wearing my pinafore instead of some casual clothings. sherman even called me a cooking housewife because my pinafore looked like an apron. whatever sherman! haha. so we left tampines and took a train to bedok to wait for cheng yew and benjamin. they took such a long time to reach bedok. so after cheng yew came, we went to macdonald's to eat and chat until benjamin came. siwee didn't come because he had a fever. [get well soon, siwee!] then freda and terrance had something on so they said they'll meet us up later for dinner. back to the point. i really had no idea where we were going. i only knew that we will be going to a ktv [which is like so inappropriate for an OG outing!] louis led us to this deserted CC, which kampong chai chee CC, to sing ktv. i was like: "oh my gosh! why come to this place for OG outing?!?!" but obviously, i didn't want to be a letdown so i didn't say it out loud. i was just ranting in my mind. haha. there was a very strong smell in the CC which i somehow could not take it. everyone was so embarrassed to sing until they started to pick old retarded songs. haha. then jocelyn, anqi and shuzhen left to meet their parents for their family day. after they left, me, benjamin, chengyew and yuheng started to play bridge! this was the time where we all got high! sherman, jasmine and rachel just watched us play. haha. i was quite confused about the game at first. i thought i knew how to play bridge all along but i was wrong. haha. we played so many games of bridge but i just kept losing! haha. i'm still not so sure about the part where i have to help my partner in order to give him/her hints that i am his/her partner. haha. maybe i'm a bit slow in playing games. haha. well, benjamin, chengyew and yuheng later teach the rest how to play the game. sherman got the hang of the game very fast. but jasmine and rachel still haven't got a clue about the game. haha. then it was time to leave the wulu ktv so we went to the void deck of a nearby HDB to continue on our game of bridge. haha. it was so much fun and laughter! haha. but somehow, i feel that we had to much fun in playing bridge that we neglected rachel and jasmine. haha. after that, we were all very hungry and decided to go have dinner together. we wanted to meet freda and terrance first but decided not to since they will be meeting us at a later time. hence we headed off to macdonald's again... haha. i ate the prosperity meal! i thought it would be very tasty but it was so spicy that i hardly enjoyed eating it. i didn't know the prosperity burger was a black pepper chicker burger! the black pepper sauce was so spicy. i would not recommend to those who do not take spicy food like me. haha. ok. end of digression. after that freda and terrance came and we ate and chat until 10pm. the topics that we discuss was so random! first it was some guy then it was some bgr thing and then it was school and many other stuff. haha. but the most important thing is we had fun together! haha. it was getting quite late already so we decided to bid goodbyes and head home. haha. i think i've open up quite a lot these few days. i really didn't know that i was that easy going last time. but good things have to come to an end fast. next tuesday, our OG will be splitting up into 2 classes and so some of the members have decided to have an OG dinner together on monday. however, i'm not very confirmed about it. i hope it will be a success! haha.

i think this entry is a little boring and sloppy too. i'll try to improve on my writing for the next entry. so i gtg now. bye!

total screw up!

2007-01-10T02:19:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

today was the CCA try outs day and it screwed it all up! i went to try out for badminton and the atmosphere was so weird when i went into the hall. there were so many badminton players from their secondary school team, so obviously there was no way i would get into the team. so maybe i'll try other CCAs. anyway, tennis seems fun although that was my first time playing it at the try outs. haha.

i feel so horrible now. i brought 2 rackets to school today, thinking that KangLi will be going for the badminton try outs. she told me yesterday to lend her a racket for the try outs so i brought another one for her. how was i to know that she didn't want to go in the end! so i brought the racket for nothing. so i went for the badminton try out and i screwed it all up. then there i was, being friendly and nice, and lend those people at the try outs who didn't bring their own rackets. so the last person, i lend my racket to, was my long lost contact primary schoolmate, ghim lee. as the try outs was taking such a long time, simin, sheng jie and i decided to go try out other CCAs. however, when we came back into the hall, the try outs were over and the results were out. everyone had left the hall except for those in the team. my bag and 1 racket was in the hall but my other racket, which i lent it to ghim lee, went missing!! so i panicked and was so anxious at that time. i went around the school, trying to find ghim lee. finally, i walked pass ghim lee's friend who happen to be waiting for me to tell me that ghim lee brought home my racket as she couldn't find me. i was relieved and was also worried that tmr i'll be holding a racket in school for no reason. it would be so embarrassing!! i mean who would want to take a racket around school when you're not in badminton and when you have no reason to bring it to school. i would be such an extra in school tmr!!! how?!?! i feel so dead now!! someone, please help me!!!

i've just finished my math homework. well, sort of finished it. i left out the challenging questions because i don't know how to do. school's been quite alright lately until today with the racket incident and all the embarrassing things i did in school during the CCA try outs. i'm still not used to the free periods in between lessons. on some days, there would be like 2 or 3 free periods to the next lesson, so there was practically nothing to do during these free periods except for doing homework and eat. moreover, the canteen's food doesn't taste nice. it's edible but it's quite unappetizing. haha.

i'm so bothered by the CCAs selection thing!!! it's so irritating!!! i don't know what to choose and i don't know what to join! i'm interested in many but the fact is that i can't play or do the CCAs! most of them seems new to me! i'm so lost! now i don't feel like joining sports because it seems tough to me. but at the same time, it seems cool to me! i'm stuck in between a sandwich! there would be volleyball try out tomorrow. i feel like trying it out but the thing is i don't know how to play. i watched the Asian Games and it seems fun but playing it would be another thing. plus, no one wants to go with me! kendra may be going with me but i'm not sure about it. it seems that people would suddenly change their mind at any moment so at this point i would not make any confirmation with what people tell me. i just hope that kendra would go with me. hope i'll like it... -sigh-

i think i gtg now. i'll update a little while later. i'm starving now!! going to grab a bite!! so gtg now! bye!

the beginning is always the toughest point to adapt

2007-01-04T06:43:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

my new school life just began and it started off quite dramatically and embarrassingly. well, you never have guess that i was actually LATE for school on my very first day?!?!?! i woke up so early in the morning [0545am to be exact] and came out of my house at around 0625am to take a train to pasir ris interchange. how was i to know that pasir ris interchange have two different bus lanes for bus 385?!?! and so i dumbly waited for bus 385 at the wrong lane which brought me around the pasir ris neighbourhood in merry go rounds! i was so worried and lost at that moment. i was so panicked that i kept asking [ to be exact it was twice or thrice] the bus driver uncle whether he was sure that he will take me to MJC. i didn't know the bus went around hai sing caltholic first then went back to pasir ris interchange then go to MJC. this was how the conversation between me and the bus driver uncle was like:

first time i ask the uncle
me: uncle, you got go to MJC?
uncle: ya. on the way back.
me: ok thanks.

the uncle drove back to pasir ris interchange. i panicked!
second time i ask the uncle
uncle: you want to go to MJC right?
me: ya.
uncle: i'm going now.
me: huh?
uncle: you waited at the wrong bus lane. you should wait at this bus lane. [-drives to the other bus lane and points-]
me: oh. thanks. [-embarrassed-]

so despite of me waking up so early in the morning to prepare for school, i came to school late at around 0745am or 0800am because i was lost or rather took the bus that make big loops!!! hence, i was the only one late in my group which makes it doubly embarrassing!!! argh!!! my first impression to the teachers are all gone!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

i even forgot to photocopy my CCA verification form which has to be handed in on the first day of school. i was thinking of photocopying it during recess or something but they wanted me to hand it up during morning assembly so i was dead. late for school is already a minus point and now i never hand in the documents that they need which makes it an extra minus point. i'm really giving a bad impression to the teachers there. oh man! ARGH!!!

so on the first day, we played a few ice breakers to get us started and warm up. then we played this game called CSI: scarlet rage, which is like an investigation. and we also learned a few cheers and mass dances. i couldn't get the mass dances as they were quite tough and fast. they used the tokyo drift song which is extremely fast. i wasn't very high on that day because i didn't know anyone in my group. jocelyn and shu zhen from my school was also in my group but i didn't know them until that day. haha. this shows how anti social i am. haha. the first day of school is quite alright overall but it was very tiring and it ended very late. i came home at around 9pm after having dinner with teng and pa at the food court. so that was the first day of school on 3rd jan.

now for second day of school, 4th jan. i came to school early this time to make up for the previous day. started to talk to kang li, this new friend i made from AHS. we had MMM, which is Meridian's Magnificent Maranthon. my group is Atlas 7 so we had to take route 4 for our MMM. for the whole day, we travelled from pasir ris to simei. we had 5 stations in total and we were to complete different tasks in each of the stations. we also had to use the clues they gave as at each station to guess our next station's destination. we were also to take one transport ride throughout the whole MMM, excluding the first ride from school to the first station and the last ride from the last station to school.

our first station was at the maze in pasir ris park. as the first ride is not counted as a transport ride in the game, we took a bus to pasir ris park. during the ride, we also learnt a few cheers. haha. then we walked our way to maze. we were to be blindfolded and walk to the centre of the maze, with only one person leading us to the centre. the person leading will not be blindfolded and the blindfolded people cannot have any contact with the other blindfolded people. so this task is mainly about trust. haha. we had full points for this task!!! actually, we had full points for all the tasks. haha. our next station is seashell park. so we headed to seashell park on foot. on our way, we did some cheers and we even met TJC orientation group at downtown east. haha. the station at pasir ris park had taken up a lot of our time so we were behind time. we also were lost at some moments.

so our second station was at seashell park, which is a small playground. then we had to complete the task and cheer at the game ic. then we had lunch at the food court near jet's house. i wanted to call jet but he didn't have a handphone and he's still in school, so that was too bad. then our next station was tampines park which is also a small playground. we were quite bloated and the place was quite far from our next station, so we took a bus to tampines park. the phobos were at that station when we reached. so we had to wait for them. while waiting for them, my group played some game to bond. then we did the task and cheered again. we got our clue for the next station which is at simei park. as we already use the only transport ride in the game, we could only go there by foot. so we had to walk alot and eventually we reached the station. we thought we went to the wrong station because we didn't see our station behind us. we were all so worried because we were afraid that we will lose. moreover, we were also leading among all the group 7-s that took route 4. luckily, we found our station and settled down. haha. we did the task and cheered again. our clue to the last station was at a playground in the tampines area near a bus stop. we only had an hour to reach there because we had to reach school before 4.15pm and complete all five stations before 3.30pm. haha. we were very fortunate that our last station's game ic was our house captain, adam. haha. we brisk walked or run to the station and reached there at around 3.30pm or so. we were all panting and tanned. it was so tiring. haha. we quickly complete the task and cheered again. then we hurried to the bus stop and was hoping bus 81 [the only bus we could take to reach school] to arrive. luckily, it came in about 10 minutes time. haha. was so relieved and overjoyed. haha. then we relaxed in the bus and talked. haha. we were the first group 7 to reach school, so we still had some time to earn ourselves some points from the counsellors. when the other group 7 came, we quickly hand up our score sheet and settled ourselves at the hall. it was so exhausting but i think it was fun and worth it. haha. after MMM, we settled down at the hall and learned the "let's get it started" mass dance. did some cheers and then school ended. this time it ended at around 5 pm plus. haha. managed to reach home by 7pm.

the last day of orientation! we played some water games. had to throw water bombs and played with flour too. haha. then they dismissed us to get prepared for campfire at night. my house decided that we don't go home. instead we stayed in school to bath and lunch. they gave us 3 hours of free time. so i bathe in school and had lunched with my OG. i find that the school canteen's food taste horrible. it's edible but it's not nice. haha. then we went to the place near the track [don't know what's it called. haha.] and played some game. taught my OG this very fun game and they were so into it. haha. so we bonded, played and talked. haha. finally, we had to gather with the rest of the house people and listen to their instructions. then my group was supposed to learn this mass dance, which i have already learnt in TP, for the item that my house was suppose to do in the campfire. haha. then we had nothing to do and wait. then it was time to gather with the other houses for the campfire. all the houses were to do an item for the campfire. my house was the last to perform, so we sit on the floor and watched the other houses perform their item. haha. then it was our turn. i was at the back watching. haha. then we went back to our places and settled down. we did lots of cheers and were very hype up! haha. the whole school was so high. haha. we also did the mass dances. haha. soon, the campfire ended and it was time to go. our house had to clean up the atrium, which is super duper clean. so we were faking to clean up. haha. then we had some last words from our house captain, adam, and sang a birthday song to him as it was his birthday. haha. then we did some last cheers and were dismissed. then atlas 7 OGLs wanted us to gather to have some last words with us. they intended to have an OG supper outing but it was already very late and some people cannot make it so it was postponed to some other days. haha. overall, the orientation was great and i've never open myself up so much before. it also helped me to see the other side of myself, which i've never found before. this orientation has been a very memorable and unforgettable one. love it loads!!! haha.

i waited for simin to go home with her together. it was quite surprise to hear that sheng jie actually went OG supper with her OG. haha. i guess this orientation has also open her up. haha.

well, i guess i've said a lot about school. i'm still not sure whether i want to go to JC or poly. starting from monday onwards, i'll be trying out the life of JC and try to adapt to it. from then, i'll know how their lessons are like and whether i like it or not. then i'll decide. so good luck to me! JIA YOU JO! YOU CAN DO IT!!! haha.

so i gtg now. this post is definitely a long one. haha. hope you won't find it tedious reading it. haha. gtg now. bye!

Howl's Moving Castle

2006-12-30T03:47:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

i'm feeling a little melancholy now for no apparent reasons. i haven't been updating my blog since christmas. yes. i was feeling lazy these few days and have been thinking about lots of things regarding school's reopening and life in a new school. i know it's only for one and a half months but going to a new environment takes great courage to adapt into it and make new friends. i don't know how i'm going to cope with the new life in a new school. thinking of it makes me shiver with fear. i feel so uneasy. -sigh-

well, i guess i'll start off by talking about the things i did a few days ago.

27 december 2006
it's the first day of school in MJC and i was feeling a little sick. didn't have a good night sleep in the previous night. was tossing and turning about in my bed and feeling so scared and uneasy about school. then slowly went to sleep at around 4am, i think. so i didn't have enough sleep and was having a slight headache in the morning. i was running late for school but luckily pa fetched me there. made in on time. haha. checked my grouping and sat on the hall alone with strangers. all my friends were in different groups as me. was rather relieved when i found out that the groupings were just for today. had a whole day of talks about the subjects that we were going to take in school. MJ gave us a very short time to decide on what subjects we were going to take. they told us to fill up the form by 11pm on the day itself. but i was quite sure of my first choice. didn't know what to put as my second choice so i ended up choosing the same choices as sheng jie. haha. just hope that i will get into my first choice... -another sigh-

28 december 2006
escape trip! went out with calister, kendra and siying. coincidentally, calister's sister and friends were also going to escape so we went together. well, it was a disappointing day with the rain ruining our plans. we only had one ride on the flipper and that's it. end of story. no more rides in escape. haha. but there were also lots of gossiping, fun and stuff. haha.

ok. i'm lazy to talk about this. haha. so for more information about the escape trip, please go to www.ablaze-.blogspot.com. haha. it's calister's blog. and there's pictures too!!! haha.

29 december 2006
the day started off well actually. but i was not really in the mood. woke up in the morning to find that my toothbrush went missing!!! what a bother! i knew something was going to happen to my brush sooner or later. a few days back, i had a feeling that someone kept using my brush or dropped my brush because it was wet in the morning even though i didn't use it at all. and now, it was even worse! it went missing!!! argh!!! ok back to the point. i was being a good sister on that day. haha. mum was telling me that she was feeling exhausted with all the book shopping so i volunteered to go buy the rest of ah boy's books with him. hence, ah boy and i took off to bedok view secondary to buy his books and socks. then we headed to century square to meet teng to shop for school shoes and mattress. we bought the mattress that mum was eyeing for ages. the mall was so crowded that ah boy got his feet ran over by the wheels of a wheelchair. haha. unfortunately, we failed to buy my school shoes because i was not in the mood for shopping and seriously, i've never like shopping before. haha. i'm so not a girl. haha. anyway, because my brush was missing, teng went to singapore post to help me buy my toothbrush while boy and i wait for her at the bus stop. then we took a bus home.

i didn't do much at home actually. was lazing around at home, waiting for the time to pass. then mum called me to get ready to leave for cindy's house to have steamboat with the cousins and all. i didn't know what was the occassion but who cares. it was just a gathering. really enjoyed myself there and was chatting, joking and laughing away with the cousins. it's been a while since we had a decent steamboat. haha. the last steamboat we had was a disaster because the place was so chaotic!!! i didn't like that place. yup. back to the point. haha. after the steamboat, we gathered around the computer and continued chatting. then we played twister!! haha. it was a fun family game. the cousins and i were so twistered up. haha. then we went down to watch tv and eat fruits. and soon, it was time to leave. jet and family left first, followed by xiang and family. i wanted to finish watching my 10pm show first before leaving the house. so my family and i left the house last. haha. pa called while we were walking to the bus stop. he told us to wait for him at the shell petrol station while he come and picked us up. so we waited and he picked us up. duh! haha. being lame here, don't mind me. haha.

reached home and watched anime with boy. it was the last episode for GET BACKERS! haha. well, the ending was quite nice actually. haha. then i went to bathe and didn't want to go to sleep. intended to watch Stick It again but joyce lend it to her friends. Stick It was such a nice movie although i think the songs they use and some of the characters in the show was kind of lame but overall, i gave me a passion to exercise more and to get myself into shape! haha. So, i didn't get to watch Stick It again. Hence, i decided to watch Howl's Moving Castle since i didn't watch it before despite having the VCD at home for so long. haha. the movie was great but i was a little lost at the story plot. haha. somehow, i feel that Howl looks a little like Lee Joon-Ki, a korean actor. i only mean LOOKS as in the hair and stuff. just a LITTLE only. haha. i'm loving howl's moving castle already. just like the time i felt in love with spirited away when i watched it. haha. the song kind of touches mt heart. haha. looking forward to more Mizaki's work! haha.

30 december 2006
finally, i'm writing about today. haha. well, i didn't do much today. mum woke me up in the morning to get myself ready for the edusave thingy held at the community centre. had to reach there at 12.15pm. waited a long time for the prize giving to start and left after taking my reward. haha. many of the students were feeling restless and irritated by the long wait. haha. mum told me that many parents were complaining that they couldn't enter the hall to take a photo of their kids. i bet mum was one of the parents that complaint. feel so embarrassed about it. parents! haha.

i went home after taking my edusave thingy and then started binge-ing on food again. after that i went to watch Howl's Moving Castle again!!! haha. Howl's voice is so nice!!! because it's Takuya Kimura's voice!! haha.

so here i am blogging about my stuff. i'm thinking of making my own blogskin. have a really nice one in my mind now but it requires alot of photos. hence, i'm still pondering on whether to do that blogskin or not. or whether to change my blogskin or not. haha. i shall ask for opinions from others before making my decisions. ok. gtg now! bye!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2006-12-25T02:50:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

i'm now in Joanne's house, spending Christmas with my cousins. well, this christmas is quite different from what we usually do previously... had a countdown on the backseat of the lorry. cool right? the lorry is joanne's dad's vehicle. it's been such a long time since i'v sat on the lorry. and we were all going mad, screaming, singing and wishing merry christmas to every vehicle that went pass us. haha.

the day didn't really went well at first. was kind of pissed with jet because he didn't dared to ask pigney for permission to go out despite telling me how much he wants to come out with us. so i had to wait for him for ages to come out of the house to meet me at the mrt station. after that, we headed to bugis to meet xiang, who has also waited ages for us to arrive. then we did some window shopping round the mall before going to the airport to pick malcolm up. the plane was taking such a long time to land so we had to wait for about 2 1/2 hours in the airport, doing nothing. haha.

then we had the countdown while joanne's father sent us to her house to spend this merry christmas night! haha. we settled down and had dinner together. then it was cam-whoring in joanne's room with malcolm's cool macbook. haha. we did loads of stupid pictures. haha. shall ask joanne for the pictures. haha. then we wanted to pranked call some people but our attempt failed because it was too late. so yiting [joanne's friend who also spent this christmas night with us] and i had a competiton on piece-ing the puzzle pieces together. it was such an unfair competition!!! she started first so obviously she ended first. and she kept disturbing me and ruined my whole master piece in the end!!! haha. but it was all fun and laughter in the end. haha.

so here i am blogging about my christmas night. will be staying up very late but seems like the cousins are very sleepy. cindy has already slept. haha. we intended to bake cookies in the middle of the night but failed to do so because we didn't have the ingredients. so jet and i shared a bowl of red bean tang yuan instead. everyone's going to sleep but i don't want to sleep so early during christmas. so i'm going to watch some videos with jet accompanying me. haha.

ok. gtg now! bye! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! HOHOHO!!! haha.

triumph in the skies

2006-12-22T12:31:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

it's like 4.30am in the morning now. and i'm still not sleeping. haha. been sleeping very late or rather early lately. i just don't understand why i can't get into sleep like the whole of my holidays. argh!!! so irritating!!! been having weird dreams when i'm sleeping. and i just had one yesterday. i was dreaming that i was saving my idol BoA from wanting to die?!?! how ridiculous is that right? haha.

well, i've been thinking that i'm a very meddlesome person. and also an unreasonable person. yesterday i was talking on the phone with jet and we were discussing about the trip to escape on friday which is today. in the end, we decided not to go since he's not interested in going and there is so little people going so we might as well cancel it and not go. i was so disappointed and was trying to force jet into agreeing with me to go but then i felt that i was being unreasonable and cancel the whole trip in the end. i'm such a bully to do something like that to my phonepal. how silly of me. haha. i'll just forget about going to escape this holiday. anyway, come to think of it, escape's not really fun. it's kind of boring too. haha.

so everyone's asleep now and i'm currently using the com in the dark. i have to type quietly and watch my every movement in case i wake anyone up. haha. currently in love with this song called triumph in the skies by eason chan. it's the theme song for the 10pm show in channel, which is also called triumph in the skies. haha. it's so nice!!! too bad, i don't know cantonese and i don't speak it so i don't know how to sing it. haha. but i think boy and i are so hilarious. we're always singing some words that we know in the song and just hum the song out when we don't know. haha. so it's always so nosiy when the 10pm show starts. haha.

christmas's coming and i have no idea how i'm going to spend it. probably with the cousins. but they are BUSY PEOPLE and they've got their own friends too. somehow i feel that we are getting further and further from one another. somehow we don't really have much topics to talk about. i just think we've grown up and have gone our own routes in life so we have many things to do individually and many of our own friends to talk to. hence, we're not like when we were kids, when we meet each other every weekends at ah ma's house and play around, and we don't stay over at each other places as much as last time anymore. so much things we hadn't do in this holiday like what we always do in previous holidays. this holiday is definitely different from other holidays, i guess. haha. well, as long as our bonds never change, i'm sure we'll still stay together like always, just that we've grown up and have more things to do than before. haha. all of the sudden, i'm having the nostalgic feeling. haha.

i'm listening to First Love by Utada Hikaru now. it has always touch my heart whenever i feel it. it's such a classic! haha. haha. one of my favourites, definitely! haha.

i've been having spagetti (spelling error. oops) for dinner everyday. it's so delicious. and the noodles are so thin! it's called angel's hair. haha. and i'm eating with meatballs! haha. chicken and mushroom meatballs! thinking of it makes me hungry. haha. trying to control my diet now. have to stop myself on binge-ing into food. i've pasted a note on the fridge to prevent myself from taking food out from the fridge late at night. it says: "JO NO EATING AFTER 9PM" and i drew a food picture with a cross over it. haha. it's working quite well. but i sometimes will have a small nibble on some food. or when my mouth's feeling itchy, i'm eat fruits as an alternative to the goodies in the fridge. haha.

i've decided to not lock my blog. so i'm going to remove it later. think i gtg now. bye!

posting day

2006-12-14T10:59:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

today [14 dec] or rather yesterday [cos it's already 3.20am on 15 dec] is the day that we'll know where we are posted to for the 3 months trial in JC. i got posted to my first choice! MJC science! i didn't know it was yesterday until melissa called me to ask me where i was posted to. and i was so puzzled at what she was telling me. our conversation was something like this...

melissa: hello josephine!
me: ya... [bored voice]
melissa: why you sound so sad?
me: where got? i'm not sad.
melissa: you are.
me: no lah. where got?
melissa: where are you posted to?
me: huh? post what?
melissa: post to which JC lah.
me: today know the result?
melissa: ya. don't tell me you don't know.
me: ya i don't know.
melissa: faster tell me your ic. i help you check.
me: don't want. i want to check myself.
melissa: i don't care! tell me!!!
and the bickering goes on...

how lame can melissa get man? haha. she's always going against me. in a funny way that is. haha. so in the end i gave up to her and told her my ic and hung up the phone. ran to the computer room to check where i was posted to. am overjoyed that i'm posted to MJC but there was no one to share my joy with. i went online and no one was there to chat with me. told teng and her expression was -_- she just gave me a "orh" reply and that's all. i thought she would also be happy for me and congradulate me or something. but nothing of that happened. smsed calister to ask her. knew many people are posted to MJC. well, now i don't have the happy feeling anymore. moreover, i feel even more lonely than before. i feel so sad that i can't share my joy with someone. feel that there isn't anyone that understand me all of a sudden. haix...

intended to go to ecp to cycle with teng, boy and jet yesterday. but it was pouring. so we postponed the trip. we're going later in the afternoon. intend to have a picnic after we cycle. feel so excited about it but teng just told me that she will not be going cos she will be having lunch with mum in the afternoon. what a bother man? but i still hope the trip would be a success. praying that it won't rain later in the afternoon. please don't rain!!!

well, been eating quite a lot late at night. had cut down a little of my snacks in the afternoon but when it comes to dinner, i can eat like 3 plates of rice and still feel hungry later in the middle of the night. oh man. teng is suspecting that there are worms living in stomach. impossible! didn't have any stomach aches lately. and that's such a dumb way of thinking. haha.

haven't given melissa her present. she's such a bother. like everyday not free. haha. anyway, recently i've been listening some of fish leong's songs and they are awesome. love them to bits man! and the MVs have so touching and funny stories to it. haha. been having weird dreams lately too. and i don't know why. dropped quite a lot of hair lately. i think i have oily hair. trying to not tie my hair and wear hairband at home. but after 30mins, i would just feel irritated by my hair and get them all tidy up with the rubber bands and hairbands and etc. well, just have to take things slowly. it's already an improvement that i'm not able to wear my hairband for 30 minutes. haha.

wonder what are the cousins up to lately? haven't heard from them since the last cousin outing. actually it is not counted as a cousin outing since we didn't do much or go anywhere. we just stayed at amy's father newly opened cafe and sat around doing nothing. well, christmas is coming and we've yet decided on the programmes that we want to do. no place to go to celebrate and they seem busy too. guess this christmas will be a lonely and humdrum one. just let things happen naturally. i let my hands off all the cousins outing liao...

ok i guess i've said much. gtg now. considering taking the password off since it's so troublesome and i don't think strangers would come anymore. haha. ok. gtg now. bye!

MATH NOTES

2006-12-12T11:02:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

well, i've been pigging out the whole of my holidays. think i grew fatter now. with the 15th asian games at doha these few days, i look at myself and see my pathetic shape. all the lumps of fats protuding out. i want to stop eating but when there's nothing to do, all i could think of is to pop food in my mouth. i tried to stop myself from the temptation of all the wonderful snacks i have at home but once i see my siblings eating them, i can't resist myself but to join them. i just can't stop once i start munching away. even my siblings have been nagging on the amount of food i can gobble in one day. you must be thinking that i'm exaggerating right? but it's all the truth. i've just finished a huge box of cereal all by myself in one afternoon. so i guess my family's weekly groceries can end up in my stomach within 3 days... haha. i've got to stop myself or else i'm definitely going to be overweight for sure. intend to go on a sweet potato, tofu and apple only diet. but i don't think i can make it. SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

i've just finished preparing the a-math notes for teng. will be teaching her functions since she requested. well, somehow i feel so proud of myself for piling up the notes for her. although i cannot guarantee that it's very good. but i've look through the past questions that i've done, the a-math textbook, my TYS and heymath.net. so i'm quite satisfied with the work i've done. now i'm all done with the notes, i've got nothing to do again. was quite excited when teng gave me this task because i feel that it is a challenge to teach someone and that i like teaching. i like spreading my knowledge to people, especially when it comes to math. actually, i've got lots of time to finish the task. however, i've got carried away and finished it today. [the deadline teng gave me was friday] tomorrow i will have to go through the notes with her and i'm done with the task. yay! haha.

there has been quite a number of mosquitoes in my house lately. one just flew past my face just now. wanted to hit it but it flew by so quickly. i'm typing in the dark now cos i would wake mum and teng up if i switched on the light. been doing some blog hopping since i was so bored until i have to resort to this to make myself busy. haha. no shows to watch lately. i think i'm going to give up on KO One since it's not really an interesting show. it's kind of lame actually. i'm so inspired to be a pilot or to work in the aviation industry because of the 10pm show on channel U. it's so nice! i've never had this feeling for a long time. the last time i was inspired was yet another pilot show which is called Good Luck!, a japanese drama played by Takuya Kimura!!! haha. well, i don't want to be an air stewardess. A pilot would be great but my eyesight would not meet one of their compulsory standards. moreover, a pilot has to keep improving his skills and take lots of exams. it would take many years to be an incredible pilot. plus, a pilot also has great responsibilities because the lives of many people is in the hands of the pilot. hence, i think i would be able to carry the huge responsibilities a pilot carries. however, i'm still very inspired to work in the aviation industry. i'm sure there is lots of jobs out there. haha. i'm such a daydreamer. haha.

well, i think i'll update soon. gtg now. bye!

melissa

2006-12-10T22:01:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

today's just a typical boring day, except that mum's at home amd ying didn't go to school because her teachers went for training. well, i've been pondering what to give melissa for her birthday present. *scratch head* got to go to the mall to check out some stuff before i settle on what to give her. she's one nutty friend. she's so funny and crazy all the time. and she's also a very convincing and influential friend as well. i didn't know that her birthday was on 8 december. luckily she told me or else i will feel so guilty not giving her a present. she's such a special friend. i've never got such a lunatic friend before. mostly people would say i'm the weird one but seriously, compared to her, i'm the loser for being weird. she's one psycho friend man. haha. well, i've still got no idea what she wants for her birthday and christmas. chat with her online a few days ago and she's totally mad. i asked her what she want for her presents. and guess what she told me? she wants me to get my hair done. what a stupid answer right? normally, people's birthday is where friends and family give gifts to them but she wants to give people gifts for like no reason. so rich huh melissa? got a job and now can become a money tree already. you should save your money for rainy days and you should not spend your money frivolously. haha. who am i to teach someone a lesson when i myself spend all my money on food? haha. well, i've decided to send her a package as her birthday present but what's in the package? i have no idea. haven't decided on what to buy for her. i need someone to accompany me on a shopping trip. maybe i would be asking jet and cindy along on my shopping trip. haha.

oh! and i forgot to say something important for this dear friend of mine whose phone bill cost a bomb because she just call anyone she feels like calling. here goes...
HAPPY BELATED 16th BIRTHDAY!!!

i'm a badminton craze lately after i saw this 17 or 16 year old singapore badminton player played in the 15th Asian games. her name is ai ying and she's one awesome badminton player. i saw her playing with the korean player where ai ying lose to her but the game was fabulous. i was so impressed by both of them in the game. oh man. my badminton craze is up already. now i feel like playing. but the floor downstairs is wet because it just rained. moreover, it's a little windy and there is no indoor hall for me to play with my brother. sad. shall wait till the evening then. haha.

been singing quite a lot with the earphones on my ears and the music loud that i can't hear myself singing. boy and teng told me that i sang out of tune when i always do that. haha. i wonder how i sound like when i do that. haha. it's so funny. they say they will record how i sing next time. haha. seriously, i think i don't have the musical talent. haha. i'm such a joker. haha.

well i think i gtg now. bye!

CHANGE

2006-12-08T09:15:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

today is yet another useless and boring day. i didn't do anything useful at all. in fact, i'm just rotting at home, using the com for no reasons and have no shows to watch. i haven't finished the taiwanese show that i've recently started which is KO One. but i have no intention to watch it these few days because i just feel so listless being so inactive at home. watching tv, using com, eat, sleep and repeat the process all over again. how dull can my life get? haix...

anyway, tomorrow's the day!!! the day when the cousins are meeting again!!! well, it's also the day when amy's father's cafe opens. i'm so happy and excited to meet the cousins again!!! haven't seen them for ages. well, not that long i guess. haha. but life been so boring without them. and they seem busy all the while. so i guess they don't really need me. but i think i can't survive without them. they're the one i miss so much when we never see each other. talking about the cousins, i wonder what are we going to do this christmas. any new programmes? seems like this holiday, there won't be any chalet. genting trip is already cancelled. and there is no chalet. that means we'll be meeting each other lesser. that's so sad. jet can't leave his house for no reasons. and cindy has her CCA to deal with. amy, joanne and malcolm have school. da jie have to work. raymond kor kor has his girlfriend already so don't need us. haha. -sigh- i've got nothing to do. now i'm really envying them being so busy. teng said she wanted me to tuition her but she didn't even tell me when she want it. i think she doesn't want me already. boy can manage himself. he's like me with nothing to do. but boys are easily addicted to online games. so i think he has no problem spending his free time away. i really have to crack my brain hard to think what i can really do this break. melissa says to change my style and my studying method. i know all these but the problem is where and how to start. i'm always having these problems. haix...

well, i'm intending to change my hairstyle. i'm trying not to wear my hairband but i simply can't. i'm already used to living with my hairband on or i'll feel very uncomfy without it or i'll feel that something's missing. but mum says that i look a little boring with the same hairstyle for years. yup. i've been wearing my hairband since i've started schooling. so it's a habit that i wake up and put my hairband the first thing in the morning even before i wash up. but i've notice that my forehead is balding. soon my forehead would look higher and higher. i don't want it to be like that. and the only way to prevent this from happening is to stop using my hairband. but what can i do to keep the bangs up? tie it up? isn't it the same as wearing a hairband? i'll just have to find a way out. any suggestions please? haha.

second thing i have to change is my studying method. my family can't stand my studying method. so i have to change it. even melissa can't stand it too. it's also not good to my health also. i'm trying to use reading to change my studying method because previously when i read, i have to read aloud like how i study. now i got to train myself to read in silence and to absorb information fast and quietly. got to take a long time to train myself up but i'll perserve no matter what. YES JO!!! GO GO GO!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! JIA YOU!!!

ok i think i gtg now. bye!

BORED! BORED! BORED!

2006-12-05T22:05:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

i'm all alone at home. teng, boy and ying went to have lunch with mum at her workplace. i didn't want to go because i don't feel like seeing mum. well, sometimes, i just hate my parents. i feel that being with them is just so awkward and they are like so fake. i just want to avoid these kind of situations. moreover, even if i go out with them, i don't have much things to talk about with them. i guess this is what people called generation gap. oh well, just like things be the way it is. i don't really care much already.

well, recently my parents quarrelled again. i think it happened on monday. papa wanted to have a talk with mum but he sounds so angry and fierce. so we feared that he will use violence on mum. he wanted to go downstairs to talk to mum but mum don't want cos she was afraid of him. then mum went into the computer room and i was at the door to stop pa from locking her in the room. but pa had so much strength that i could not push the door against his force. then mum was left alone with pa in the room. we were so scared and we kept crying outside the room. teng went to call sally yi yi for help. sally yi yi came and went into the room to calm things down. i was quite relieved when sally yi yi came. i really didn't know what to do and joyce was not around so i was the eldest among the children. we could only sit outside the room and keep crying. they were shouting and screaming at each other. seriously, i think this is very bad for the children and me in the house but what can we do? they're not good parents who set good examples in front of us. they are just selfish people who only cares about themselves. i could hear pa saying things about me that doesn't sound nice at all. now i know how he sees about me. how he thinks about his daughter me. i hate him. i don't even feel like talking to him. he only thinks that he's the only one right in the family. he's such a bossy idiot. GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!! I HATE YOU!!! YOU'RE JUST A NOBODY!!! i don't see you as my father anymore. how can you be my father when you say those stuff about me in front of my aunt and mum? how can you ever think that way about me? i really don't wish to see you. after this quarrel, the urge of leaving this house grows stronger. everybody seems even more fake now. it's just a pretence in their faces. even i have to pretend that i'm interested in the talks they give. argh!!! i don't want to pretend!!! i want to be me. but how can i in this kind of family? other than my siblings and my tv, i have no will to live in this house. this is so irritating and mind-torturing. argh!!!

ok. i'm still so bored. the day is so hot and humid. and there is nothing to do other than watching my youtube shows and watching tv. i think all my life is spent wasting on television shows and all those entertainment stuff. i'm just wasting my life away. don't you think people are such weirdos? i mean when you have work or school, you wish to have a holiday or a break. but when the break or holiday comes, people wish to work or study. i'm a live example. i really wish to have something to do. although there is one certain thing i have to do at home which is the only or maybe the most troublesome work i have to do in the world, i have no wish to do. and that is housechores. argh!!! my gosh. who wants to pack the house man? i mean stiffing all the dust and clearing all the books. argh!!! thinking of it makes me sick. haha. i don't mind washing and hanging the clothes or maybe wash the dishes. but packing, no way!!! haha.

i went to ritz carlton yesterday to fill up the job application. they said they will call me when they need people. i guess they won't be calling me forever. so that means i'm still jobless. haix.. i seriously need a job!!! i want a job!!! math tutor, anyone? it's for free!!! i'm desperate to do something. come on man!! i think i'm so weird. i'm a weirdo. lalalalalalalala~ haha. ok this shows that i'm seriously bored. youtube is so slow. haix... i'm just crapping here. haha.

oh ya. come to think of it. i think i'll be locking up my blog. seriously, i don't wish to let people know about me much. i guess this is my weakness point. haha. other than my cousins and certain friends, i don't really wish to let anyone know about this place. this is the place where i let out my emotions and where i feel safe to express myself. so i don't really want to let many people know about this place to disrupt this safe place. i like this place. it's like a diary where i can hear advice and encouraging words from my love ones when i have difficulty telling them face to face or tell them through the MSN. so i think my decision to lock this place is right. hope people out there who come and view this blog would understand. but the problem is i don't know how to lock it!!! argh!!! i'm so weird. i explain so much about why i want to lock this place but i don't know how to lock. haha. ok. i know it's quite lame. haha. i'll ask cindy for help to lock this place of mine. haha.

guess i gtg now. don't have much to say too although i've been crapping alot here. haha. well, gtg now. bye!

BORING

2006-12-02T12:01:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

well, i'm pretty bored now. the youtube server is loading so slowly... and i have to wait for so long for 1 video to load completely. so while i'm waiting for the video to load, i decided to blog. life's been pretty dull. there's not much to do and i don't really want to stay at home and face the faces of my folks. they've been PMSing these few days especially papa. what's the problem with him man? depression? he's been like scolding everyone in the house for like no reasons or just small matters. talking crap all the time. and i have to pretend that i'm interested in his talks or else i get scolded again. argh!!! all this is because of the family problem. he's scared that everyone's going to leave him and whatsoever. now i don't even dare to face him. argh!!!

so i urgently need a job now in order to earn money and get away from home. the reason why i'm always up at night is because i don't want to wake up early the next day to face the folks. that is why i bathe so late at night to keep myself awake so that i will be able to sleep very late and wake up very late the next day. sometimes, i just refuse to wake up from my sleep even if i'm already awake and return to my sleep again. i just don't want to get off my bed and leave the room. just pretend that i'm sleeping even if mum comes and wake me up. i know this sounds so weird but it's the truth. i think maybe this time to avoid things is the best way to face problems. i don't know. i really need some advice but the problem is the people around me just don't understand the situation in my family. haix... what am i to do?

my face is like getting worse and worse by the day. pimples and dark rings are like growing and growing even more. and my eyes are so listless. maybe it's because of the late nights that i've been having. but i think i'm going to perservere. in this break, i have decided to exercise and get into shape. well, not a perfect shape but at least a healthy shape. i want to get rid of all the fats!!! i've been doing 50 sit ups everyday [except for today] with boy. now my stomach muscles are aching. my thighs are also aching but [not as much as the stomach] because i've been climbing stairs and walking around TP for 3 days non stop. but i must complete my mission. so i don't think i will give up that easily. maybe i'll start running on monday with boy since we're both so free. haha.

i really admit that boredom kills. it's really really really very monotonous these few days. somebody help me!!! haha. okok. i guess i gtg now. bye!!!

TP Rawks is over!

2006-12-01T19:53:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

finally the 3-day TP Rawks camp is over. the past few days at TP Rawks camp was really exhausting but it was fun though. haha. didn't really made many friends because i only stick to my own group of friends [ming fang, peck hong and nicole]. it didn't really end off well because the JAM and HOP was not really my kind of thing. it's something like clubbing and i don't really like loud music so i left halfway through JAM and HOP. now i know clubbing is not my cup of tea so maybe i will not try it next time. haha. i also tried dragon boating. it was awesome. love it so much although it was only for a short while. haha. well, overall i think TP is a great school and polytechnic is not what people imagine as a sloth school. it also requires great hard work and passion for the course that you choose. after the tour around TP, i also found out many interesting courses like retail, marketing and applied food science and nutrition. but if i go to poly, my first choice would still be hospitality and tourism management. i guess these 3 days isn't a waste of time. at least i learnt something and it will help me in my decision to choose either JC or poly. haha.

jet hasn't contact me for ages. heard that his brother's [justin] eyes are swollen. must have seen something that he should not see. haha. just kidding. poor thing, have to bear with the swollen eyes. well, jet's SIM card is spoilt and i never see him online recently plus he doesn't call me these few days. so we hadn't talk for ages. sometimes, i really have a lot of things to tell him. but these few days was too tiring for me to tell him stuff. i would just come home, bathe, watch my 10pm show and sleep. i think he's angry with me about the errand that xiang gave me that day. he didn't go with me so i was pissed with him but i didn't said anything nasty to him. i only showed him a cold voice. a voice that meant i don't wish to talk to you now. but i'm cool now. and everything is over. so i'm no longer angry with him. instead i kind of miss my best buddy. come on, jet!!! don't like that leh. haha.

i think i'll be calling ritz carlton today to ask for any job vacancies for me and joanne. i hope they have. i really want to work in this long break. don't really want to waste my time. Actually i intend to read lots and lots of storybooks to improve my english but i only a read a few pages of the first book and got tired of it. gosh!!! how am i going to improve my english!!! i must really perservere... i must read. i must read. i must read. self-hypnotize really works. haha.

later i think i'll be going to cindy's house. will be great fun at her house!!! haha. going ECP with teng, boy and ying to cycle. hopefully i'll be blading!!! woohoo. it's been a long time since i went to ECP and blade. haha. oh ya. i've also watched the first 2 episodes of hua yang shao nian shao nu, played by ella and wu zun. it's so funny. the third episode is not up yet. so i'll just have to wait. i'm also watching zhong ji yi ban. it's quite funny but lame at times. haha. since there isn't much show for me to watch, i'll just have to watch this. sounds like i'm force to watch it. haha. but it's not really a bad show. taken from a comic i guess. haha.

ok i gtg now. will blog when i get to use the com. haha. bye!

messed up

2006-11-26T10:11:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

i'm very moody now. heard a terrible news when i can't home from the cousin outing today. and i feel so guilty that i'm not by teng's side at that time. yup. my parents quarrelled again. and teng was left all alone to deal with this dramatic incident. boy and i were staying over at amy's house and joyce went to work, so she didn't have anyone to ask for help or what so ever. i feel so bad. why must they quarrel? why can't they just communicate properly? i very scared that they will divorce. but i just couldn't find a solution to this problem. will having a lot of money help you people to talk to each other better? i hate money. can't they just be less materialistic? why must they be so stubborn and petty? they were once good parents when i was young but things changed. they are no longer good parents. they haven't thought about us. they never think that the way they communicate, the way they react to each other in front of us and the way they avoid each other affected our lives. they haven't give us a happy family and they haven't provided us with the love and care that we needed. what we want is just a happy family like amy's family, like calister's family and like hwee's family. they sound happy and loving. sometimes i just feel that coming home is such a chore because i have to face this scene everyday and be a middleman. we have to hear you guys talk about how difficult you have to pay bills, how difficult you guys work to earn money and how difficult you guys faced each other. things have really turned very serious. i guess you guys have no feelings for each other already. i have no solutions to this but to think that i'll earn lots of money to solve the money problem. this family is broken. the photos i see about the past can no longer depict this family. i feel like running away now. what am i to do? what can we children do to keep this family together? i hate this feeling...

i've been out the whole of this week and last week. this is the first time i've been out so many times and so many consecutive days. i'm totally exhausted and i just want to stay at home and rest. but xiang just called to ask for help. he needs me to take his coat to change for a bigger size. i didn't want to agree to it but i didn't dare to reject cos we're family and family should help family. and so i'm in a dilemma. i've got no choice but to say yes. i didn't want to go alone so i dragged jet to come along with me. [sorry jet] i feel so guilty. cos he had a busy week like me. we're mostly out of our house and we really are tired of going out. i hope this trip would be the last trip. and XIANG, YOU OWE US A TREAT AND A REALLY BIG TREAT!!! i'll remember this. you owe us big time man. haha. so the trip tomorrow will be like this. first, we have to meet joanne at 1230pm at woodlands [!!!][it's so far!!!] and then we have to go to parkway parade to change the coat to a bigger size and go to dhoby gourd to give it to xiang at around 3pm. and that's the end of the trip. guess it'll be another tiring day... haix...

ok today, we had a cousin outing. and we went to katong shopping centre to sing KTV. the place is really small but it's cheap. 1 room for 3 hours only cost $18. so we spilt the cost. oh! and we met joanne's friend too. she accompanied joanne to katong shopping centre which is a super ulu place. haha. after that, we took a bus to parkway parade and ate at MOS burger which is the place i worked previously. i feel so bad, acting like i don't know the people there. haha. but it's over. so i don't really care. anyway, the experience there wasn't very good. ok. back to the point. after eating at MOS burger, we went to buy ice cream and spilt ways. cindy, steph and i went to eat mac's ice cream. jet and boy went to eat scoopz's ice cream. and joanne and amy went to eat anderson's ice cream. so we went different ways to buy our ice cream and met up later. i ate strawberry sundae which is kind of too sweet for my taste buds. haha. after buying ice cream, we went to meet up with jet and boy outside chameleon which is an accessories shop. the boys refuse to come into the shop so they waited outside the shop doing nothing. haha. then the girls [me, cindy and steph] went into the shop and looked for rubber bands and tried on many rings. haha. we took such a long time in the shop that we've forgotten about the boys outside. haha. soon, amy and joanne came and we took bus together and went home. this outing ended so fast.
how i wish time could just stop and we would spend all the time we want together. but i know that's impossible. haha.

so i've decided on the schools for PAE. now's the time for boy to decide which secondary school he wants to go. mum's so anxious about him. we had to take loads of buses and try out many schools to see if the school is at a convenient distance from our house or to see if the school is good or not. i didn't have to do all that when i was at primary 6. poor ah boy have to do all these things and DRAG US ALL DOWN!!! so he is the reason why i've been out all day. cos i have to accompany mum and him to try out schools and buses. he better choose properly or i'm going to kill him. haha. so we went to bedok green's and bedok view's open houses and their schools are so huge and new. so envious!!! but i'm leaving secondary school already so it doesn't matter much. but bedok green give me quite a good impression. bedok view doesn't. but mum wants boy to go to bedok view or hai sing catholic cos their aggregate marks is about the same as his. whatever it is, i feel that he will know which school is right for him. the decision is his anyway. haha.

ok i think i gtg now. need to go and bathe. i really had a super exhausting day!!! ok gtg now. bye!

selection of schools

2006-11-23T12:07:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

this is my 100th post!!! woohoo!!! didn't expect to hit the 100 mark actually... haha. thought i would quit halfway in this blog cos i normally don't use the computer that much. thus i thought i would most likely abandon this blog or something. haha. well, i'm glad i didn't... haha.

ok. today or rather yesterday [cos it's 0402 in the morning now] woke up at around 0900 or 0930 in the morning and heard from my brother that he's going school to take his PSLE results later. so i was like: "why nobody tell me it's today?" evil people. luckily i woke up early today or else i won't get the chance to see ah boy's result slip. so ah boy got 229 for his PSLE and i'm quite happy for him although he can't make it to the school that i wanted him to go. sad but still happy. haha. i think my primary school has deproved quite alot. they've gone down from 280+ in my year to 271 this year!!! can you believe it? and i was quite shocked to see that most of the pupils in my primary school are like ah bengs and ah lians. from the way they talk, i was like: "what has happened to this school? is it because of the change of principals or what?" but who cares? i've left the school already. haha.

well, i've been pondering about my choices of schools for the PAE and i've submitted my entry already. i'm still worried that i can't get into the school that i wanted. my mind was like: "NYJC OR MJC? which should i put as my first choice?" in the end, i settled down with MJC science as my first choice and NYJC science as my second choice cos MJC is closer to my house than NYJC. i find that all the JCs do not have a convenient route from my house. it's like i have to take a feeder bus or a train to reach to that certain JC. moreover, most of them are not in the east. they're most likely to be in the west or the central region. just hacing the thought of taking so many buses to reach school and back home gives me a headache. i'm so not looking forward to this PAE thingy. argh!!!

although i've submitted my PAE entry, i still feel kind of unease about my entry. i feel that i've not thought about my choices seriously. it's like a decision that i've made rashly. think i'll probably change it tmr. shall think properly first. i was thinking about putting all science courses
but i was worried that i couldn't get a place in the JC that i want so i decided to put in the art courses as well [even though my humanities stinks like shit]. so this is my choice of schools:
MJC (S)
NYJC (S)
MJC (A)
NYJC (A)
SRJC (S)
SRJC (A)
TPJC (S)
TPJC (A)
SAJC (S)
ACJC (S)
AJC (S)
CJC (S)

i hope i didn't make the wrong choices. i was thinking of securing myself a place in the JC of my choice first then when the O'level results are released, i will definitely take the science course in the JC that i'm in. [but that depends on my results in O'level and whether i like JC life] actually, i was thinking of VJC as one of my top choices but i'm not confident that my O'level results can take in to VJC so i took that option out. i know MJC is quite a good school and many people wants to get into this school. but the retain rate is so high. i'm afraid i won't be able to pass my GP or even get promoted to the next level. thinking of going into a JC somehow creeps me out. i don't know what school i want to go or which route should i take that can bring me into a brighter future? i keep asking myself where i want to go but seriously, i don't know. mum can't give me proper advice. she's always telling me: "which school you like, just put it as your choice. you're the one studying what. you must like the school that you'll be studying what." HELLO!!! i know that. but the problem is i don't know whether i should go for JC or poly. and i'm such an indecisive person. i can't make decisions myself. obviously, i need help from you so i ask you for help right? and you tell me this!!! i don't know what to do. just hope that i get into my first choice... haix...

ok. i'm quite confirm that only cindy's family and my family is going to genting and nobody else... i really hate pigney!!! what's her problem? such a happy family outing and she has to ruin it by not letting jet to go!!! i think she's short of cash or something. i knew this kind of things would happen. anyway, amy and joanne are not going too. they've got exams and projects to rush and they don't have time!!! so much for being in a polytechnic!!! argh!!! why must they have schools when we have holidays!!! it just ruins that whole thing!!! argh!!! now i don't even feel like going to genting anymore but i can't cos mum specially went to make a passport for me for this trip so i can't back out!!! argh!!!

to make it up for the genting trip, amy and joanne is free on sunday to go K-boxing. but JET HAN has to go filming so he can't make it. and i think ah xiang has to entertain his aussie guest so he can't make it too. and most probably, teng doesn't want to go K-boxing cos she finds that place indecent. [is she nuts or what?] and so she's probably not going. so that leaves me, cindy, amy and joanne. i don't know whether malcolm kor kor can make it but let's just leave him out in case i'll get disappointed when more people cannot come. argh!!! it's always like that!!! when can we get a decent cousin outing with all the cousins in it!!! huh!! when!!! so there's only 4 people going. i can't see or feel any fun in this outing. it's getting duller duller each time!!! I WANT A DECENT COUSIN OUTING AND YOU GUYS ORGANISE IT!!! i don't want to organise anymore!!! it makes me feel stupid to get rejected each time... argh!!!

i've got lots of mosquitoe bites lately and i can't stand the itch until i scratch till it bleeds. i bet that it's going to leave scars on my skin. so sad. but it'll recover eventually. haha. can the mosquitoes stop biting me? i think it's because i've changed another body wash and i think the smell attract the mosquitoes. maybe i should change it but that will have to wait till i finished that bottle of body wash!!! argh!!!

kk i think it's getting late or rather early [0450 now]. so i gtg now. will update about prom next time. or maybe i won't be updating since there's nothing much about it. we shall see. haha. kk. gtg now. bye!!!

FREE AT LAST!!!

2006-11-18T10:18:00.000-08:00

dear faeriefable

O'LEVEL EXAMINATIONS ARE OVER!!! whoopee!!! TIME TO CELEBRATE!!! haha.

well, yesterday was the last paper for O'level and it was history elective paper. totall screwed up the whole paper! the chapters that i studied didn't came out and i was so shocked!!! i didn't know how to answer all the questions, so i made up my own history and answered them. haha. this is the first time ever that i met this kind of situation and at such an important examination. i pretty much expect it to be an F9 or even a U. haha. but who cares? it's over!

i'm pretty high these few days! teng came back from china and poor her, she got sick in china. and she cried once she saw us. so sad. i almost cried but i thought to myself: "Jo, you cry for what? are you nuts?" so i held my tears up. haha. so glad to see her again!!! kind of miss her when she was away. that's so gross!!! i mean i never said such words about my family... i feel so weird now. haha.

anyway, after the history paper, siying, sheng, wan yuan, brina, calister, kendra and i went to parkway's swensen to eat. We bought the promotion "happy feet" meal and boy, the food stinks. it was some seafood baked rice thing and it had the stench of urine!!! we're like: "what's so smelly?" and we found out it was the food. it tastes alright but it smells really bad! i think mine was the smellest. didn't even finished it despite being so hungry that day. only drank a cup of milo for the whole day before that baked rice came. but the ice cream that came with the promotion meal was really yummy!!! didn't have ice cream for ages and it feels good to eat it during high spirits like yesterday!!! haha.

after eating at swensens, we went around the mall to look for some prom stuff. kendra and i like this dress but there's this big flower on it which can be taken off. kendra finds it ok with that big flower, but i think it made the whole dress look so horrible. haha. but the dress is still very nice... talking about prom, i feel so troubled and disturbed by it... i don't know what to wear!!! i really need URGENT HELP!!! i need fashion advice!!! i think i'm going to look so stupid during prom!!! AAHH!!! AMY AND JOANNE, I NEED YOU GUYS!!! HELP!!! the prom's on the 22nd of november and i've got nothing to wear!!! i'm so dead!!! it's so fast and the time's so short. what am i to do?!?!?!

one more big problem is the family's genting trip. nobody's telling me when are they free to go to the genting trip!!! i'm so dead! Sally yiyi put me in charge to discuss it with the cousins but nobody's telling me anything!!! plus my mum only can take leave on the 11th-13th december, so most probably we'll be going on these days. so cousins, if you're reading this, the genting trip is most likely to be in 11th-13th december. be sure you're free on these days!!!

it's been such a long time since i used this com and watched so much television!! i'm practically slothing at home and doing nothing but sleep, eat and watch tv. just wasting my time. i really miss school and the 4e5 people. i don't really know what to do at home. teng brought me this toy cum exercise tool to play with during my break. it's so fun. i'm trying to master it now. it's not that difficult once you got the hang of it but i scared the string will break due to friction. but still, it's fun and a good exercise for your hands and arms. haha.

ok i think i got to go now. my blog has finally come to live, calister!!! haha. ok. gtg now. bye!!!

sluggish

2006-10-20T02:13:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i've been feeling very restless and unmotivated. it feels that i haven't been working as hard as last time. and i can't let this continue. but where do i start? i know where to start but the problem is when and how? i mean i want to start but i can't seem to bring myself working. i'm just being too complacent. i can't let this go on. someone's got to help me start cracking. box me or punch me! whatever you do, just get me starting!!!

well, i just chatted with da jie and she gave me lots of very useful advice. she told me that i shouldn't be bothered about what i will be doing in future, where i'll be going and so on. i'll just have to do my best in O's and score the best that i can. she said that last time she also don't know where to go or she will end up in a travel agency and be a secretary. so let things just flow naturally. eventually there will be a way for me to go. now the main thing i have to concentrate is to study for O's and do my best in O's. then i can lots of choices to choose. so i should not be worried about where i'll be going in future.
i'm really thankful that da jie gave me these advice. they somehow make me feel more at ease. but the main problem again is i have to get starting!!!
da jie said that i have to plan what i want to study and do. i know i have to do that but sometimes the things i plan just don't seem to finish in the end. i don't care!!! i have to listen to da jie!!! plan jo!!! plan!!!

mum, teng, boy and ying all went to the family chalet today. and i'm all left alone at home. mum didn't want me to go cos she said that i'll be wasting time there and travelling here and there would also waste time. so she didn't allowed me to go. plus tmr i have chinese tuition at 1030am. so even if i go, i can't stay. i know the chalet would be fun because the cousins will be there. and i know the place will be noisy and un-conducive to study but i feel like going cos the cousins are there. and i'm yearning to see them. i miss them so much. moreover jet didn't contact me for ages. guess he understands that i have O'level to prepare for so he didn't want to disturb me. but sometimes i have the urge to call him and talk... cos he's a good listener and i have lots to talk to him about. well, this is a critical period and i have to concentrate. so i'll just have to bear with it!!! jo, REN!!!

ok. i'm feeling restless, sluggish and slothy. haha. i feel like a pig. just keep taking food and stuff it in my mouth wheneven i have these feelings. and now i'm having a tummyache. good for you, jo. haha. this sounds so sarcastic... haha. ok i have to straighten things out and be the nerdy jojo again!!! JIA YOU JO!!!

hope i can survive this period. kk. gtg now. bye!!!

MJC

2006-10-14T22:43:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

it's been a long time since i last wrote an entry. well, i haven't been doing much nowadays. have been feeling a little lost and troubled these few days. no ambition. no goal. no future. got back my prelim results and am quite happy with it that i started to get a little complacent. i know it's bad to be complacent. i want to stop it but i don't know how. and i'm not really sure whether it's complacency but i just feel that i've slacken alot after the prelims which should be a no-no! what am to do?

friday (13/10/06) was jet's birthday but we didn't get to celebrate it for him. sand a birthday song to him through the phone. think he was really touched and surprise by my actions. haha. we also had an early birthday celebration for brina and charmaine. it was really rushed but everything went out well in the end. went to mjc's and tjc's openhouse on friday before celebrating their birthdays. tjc's not really appealing to me. so i think i'm leaving that out as my choice. mjc's school and facilities are way too attractive. i'm loving that school already. but i think i can't make it. plus, pa says it's kind of far away from our home. but i think that's not going to stop me! oh my gosh. i'm so attracted to mjc!!! AAAHHH!!

i've been wasting my time these days watching some korean series which i know is a no-no at this critical period. but my siblings are watching it and it's really tempting. i just can't avoid their temptation. moreover, i've been gorging food into my mouth whenever i'm studying which makes me feel very uncomfortable and listless. in the end, i've got a tummy ache. i think it's just a habitual behaviour. whenever i'm stress or bored, i'll just pop food into my mouth and eventually the consequence is always a tummy upset and so on. i've got to stop all these actions and get serious now. but i can't get myself going. JOJO! WHAT ARE DOING? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LIKE THIS? YOU HAVE TO BE SERIOUS YOU KNOW! WHERE DID YOUR SERIOUSNESS GO TO? GO FIND IT BACK! ARGH!!! i'm going to explode soooner or later!!! someone help!!!

been missing the cousins whenever i'm bored and listless. mum says that there will be a chalet on the 20th but i doubt i'll be going. i've got to start cracking and mug!!! but i don't sense the motivation in my heart and mind. i feel that the motivation to go to mjc isn't very great. i've got to get some motivation!!! come on jo! you can do it!!! go go go!!!

kk. i think i gtg now. bye!

no cousin outing

2006-09-23T00:29:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

today's a saturday. a weekend. and no one wants to go out with me to take a break from all the mugging. boohoo. i've been really looking forward to going out with the cousins this weekend but i turn out so wrong. as expected, jet's broke and joanne and amy are busy so they couldn't go out. wah! i don't care!!! i want to go out with the cousins!!! i don't care!!! argh!!! what's the use of whinning man? they still can't go out with me!

i can only go out this weekend. other than today and tomorrow, i will be locking myself in the room and begin mugging again. well, i just have to accept the truth and nothing but the truth which is they are not FREE!!! wah!!!

physics practical ended yesterday and i really got no idea what i was doing. but i'm glad that i managed to complete it. i feel so silly. it's because yesterday i was bathing and i was recalling what i was doing in physics practical and i realised i forgot to draw the dotted triangle in my sketched graph!!! argh!!! there goes my marks!!! then i was like: "jo, why you so stupid?!?!?! why you forgot to draw the dotted triangle?!?!?!" and i didn't know what i was doing other than blaming myself. so while i was blaming myself, i was pressing the soap without realising. and i thought i was pressing the shampoo so i was washing my hair with soap unconciously. and i was thinking how come my hair turn out so rough after washing it when i realised it was soap!!! argh!!! i'm still blaming myself for not drawing the dotted triangle in my graph!!! argh!!! how come i just let marks fly away from my hands!!! i'm so fustrated at myself!!! argh!!!

and 2 days ago, it was chemistry mcq paper. at the very last minute, i spotted 2 careless mistakes and the teacher said "put down your pencil!" argh!!! it's just right before my eyes and i can't change it when i knew it was wrong!!! argh!!! i'm so angry at myself!!! what's wrong with me!!! why is it always like this! jo, what are thinking during these examinations? you got to wake up man!!!

i loving the song "unwritten" by natasha bedingfield. it's so meaningful and real. the lyrics sometimes remind about myself. and i'm influencing jet to like it too. and he's loving it too! haha. well, a few days ago, i watched the movie "she's the man" which may recommended to me. it's really funny and it made me like the song called "move along" by all americans reject. the song is alright to me, not really to the extent that i'll love it. previously, when cindy was recommending this song last time, i was telling her that the song wasn't really very nice. and jet was insisting that it was nice when i told him last time. now after watching the show, i think it's kind of nice. haha.

i feel so relaxed now and i know this feeling seems so wrong. i need to mug!!! but i can't bring myself to the table and mug for a long time. i would walked around aimlessly at home just so that i do not have to sit on the chair for so long to mug!!! what's wrong with me? i thought i have strong concentration. but i guess i have to prove myself wrong. i'm beginning to rely on chicken essence to keep myself energize. i really need to do some serious reflection.

jet made a new blog and i think the blog skin is nice. he made it himself. it's simple and neat. just the type that i wanted. well, anyone reading this can go and check out his blog too. it's http://www.two-happy-bros.blogspot.com. but i guess hardly anyone reading my blog other than dear jet. haha. and jet, if you come to my blog, can you just leave a note to tell me that you were once here. haha.

kk. i think i gtg now. bye!

PRELIMS

2006-09-15T22:46:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i'm finally back! well, been very busy these few days with all the examinations going on. finally survived one whole week of PRELIMS but there's still one more week to go. so i still have to cramp into more books. but next week's exams would be much more relaxed as most of them are MCQs.

i've already given up on the 3 months trial to jc already. i knew it when i took the english and i'm more confirmed about it after i've taken the geography paper. i never finished practically all the papers that i did. so i think i'm a gone case for now. i'm very worried i'm not going to survived for O'level.

i'm feeling so restless now. the feeling of knowing that you've survived a week of intense studying and that the exams next week are more relaxed makes me feel like a sloth again. i'm starting to slack again.

i'm very disturbed by the fact that everyone thinks that i'm a teacher's pet. and even my close friends are thinking this way. why can't they just understand that this is not what i wanted? it's not like i can stop the teacher from her actions. i'm not as good as what you guys expect. and i'm far worse than you expect. when prelims' results comes back, i can prove to you that all of it are generally Cs. i've always hated being compared with others. from young it has been like that. now there's even more comparison. when i heard from melissa about j*****, i somehow feel so broken. i thought my classmates are nice people. but they're nice on the outside but evil on the inside. now i know that a teacher's action can make so much difference to how people look at you. i don't want it to be this way. i'm not a teacher's pet for goodness sake! i hate people who thinks that i am! i hate it!

i'm missing cousins now. feel like asking them out but i'm trying very hard to do that. cos if i do, then i wouldn't have the urge to study anymore. the thought that i can go out with them after the exams has keep me surviving through this exam period. and all the encouragements that cindy and jet gave me really lightens my heart. makes me feel so wanted. makes me feel that i have to someone to lean to when i'm down. i feel so bless having them. i'm very determined that i'm going to call the cousins and ask them out after the exams. so cousins, if you're reading this, prepare to leave some spare time for an outing together, ok? i miss you guys!

everyone's so hardworking... i feel so pressurised. i have no goals or aims. i have no direction to follow. how i wish my parents can sometimes help me decide on some things. will this be the end of my future?

ok. gtg now. think i won't be touching the com for another week. so i'll update again when i touched the com. bye!

what am i to do?

2006-08-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

i know i shouldn't be using the computer for such a long time and watch so much tv at this period of time but the noise in my house is really tempting me to go and on these appliances!!! haha. i've nearly used an hour of computer now so i've got to make this entry a quick one.

i feel so weird after typing out the previous entry. it's just feel so not me sometimes to say all those stuff. so i'm not going to mention that entry anymore especially if melissa is involved. anyway, singapore just celebrated its 41st birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, singapore. i'm not really very patriotic so it doesn't really sound very sincere. but i felt so relaxed on national day. i was singing the songs with boy and ying at home while watching the live telecast of the national day celebration. haha. we even sang the majulah singapura!!! haha. and we said the pledge as always. haha. ok. that sounds a little patriotic. maybe i do love singapore. haha. and ying was so adorable when she said the pledge cos she said it wrongly at some parts and she doesn't think it was wrong. haha. that's so funny. haha.

well, i got back my chinese O'level results and i am feeling very confused and lost whether to retake the chinese exams or not. i was telling myself that as long as i get an A it would be alright. but when i took it, i was not really satisfied. i'm intending to add chinese as one of my L1R5 subjects so i really wished that i could get A1 but i got a A2 which is good too. i think i'm being a little too greedy here but i really really am desperate to get good grades. i'm still having second thoughts about retaking it but i've more or less decided that i would retake the chinese exam to give it go and not regret in future. i'm a little afraid that time is not on my side. and siying's asking me whether i want to continue chinese tuition if i want to retake the exam. i'm not sure either but without tuition, i would not have any practice with chinese. so maybe i should continue chinese tuition but that would cost mum money again which i don't wish to spend. cos i know they earn hard money and taking money from them so frivolously is just not right. but i think if i'm retaking then i will continue chinese tuition or i'll be wasting time and money on the retake chinese exam. plus travelling to chinese tuition also consume some time. oh gosh!!! i'm so lost!!! there's so many factors to consider!!! i have to give an answer to siying tomorrow!!! how?!?!?!

O level english oral is coming up next week!!! my english is horrible. i think i can bearly scrape it through!!! i'm so worried and jittery now. english is very important and it will affect my grades greatly!!! i really have to pull my socks in the fastest possible way ever!!! i really need help!!! HELP!!!

i think the more i go on in this entry. the more worried i'll get. so i think i'll stop here for now! gtg now. bye!

thanks people!

2006-08-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

today is a wonderful day. i feel so much love from the friends around me. and i'm touched by that. suddenly, i have this surge of emotions that i feel like expressing it. i know i'm being a little silly here but i really feel very much being love at for the first time. that is why i somehow insisted on using the com today to let the friends around me know that i appreciate them and am very grateful that i have them.

i don't know how they know about this small little secret hideout that i've always kept in my own world. this planet of thoughts and musings that i have always want it to be kept in the dark cos i'm afraid that my feelings might hurt someone and might even worsen some friendship that i somehow cherish. i know i love talking to myself cos only i know myself better and i know that i have to find the answers to the questions that i asked myself cos i know only i can do that and no one can do it for me cos they are not me and they don't feel me. i actually intended to lock this blog up so my thoughts to myself. and i know that there's a spy at home that is helping mum to check on me. and you can easily guess. she's the apple of my parents' eyes. but now that i know that there are my people around me that cares for me, i would like to thank them for telling me that they do care. thank you guys so much, especially for melissa who specially made me this timetable and wrote me a letter saying all those encouraging words. thanks melissa. and also to calister, who tagged my board, and telling me that people are there for me.

it's very difficult to tell people heart to heart things especially when you don't really know someone well and also when you know that person so well that you know that she doesn't like to hear these kind of things. worse of all, the person or rather the peeps, that i feel that i can trust them, don't understands me and that i feel so drifted apart from them. so i think it's better to keep things to myself. but i know i'm not exactly keeping things to myself cos i do tell jet some of my stuff and i do tell lots of things in this faeriefable. all this sounds like i'm some sad person who just can't get things over. i'm not ok! i just feel melancholy sometimes and a little nostalgic sometimes cos i like living in the happy memories and i miss these happy memories when they are gone and no longer coming back cos you can't turn the clock back. so i have to admit i have to get things over but i'm still keeping the happy memories cos they keep me happy when i am sad. YUP YUP I'M A HAPPY PERSON! so you people don't worry lah. i don't have some serious depression or something. it's just that sometimes people just feel sad over something. haha.

okok back to the daily happenings. tomorrow is national day eve cum national day celebration and i'm feeling kind of excited cos i'll be wearing a malay ethnic clothes borrowed from hannah. [thanks anyway, hannah!] it's a bajukurong. and i've been troubling about what shoe to wear cos all the footwear that i have is this pair of sandles and slippers. and that's all. end of story. so i've been trying to find what to wear for my feet. and i've decided to borrow this pair of brown sneakers from my sis. haha. think i'll just have to squeeze my big foot in that small shoe. just hope that my feet will fit in!!! please fit in, my dear feet. haha.

siying told me that she dreamt of me yesterday. i was so shock and amused! it's like so funny, thinking that someone dreamt of you and somemore it's a comical dream. ok. guess what she dreamt? she dreamt of me as a singapore idol contestant and that she was asking me whether i could get her some tickets to the singapore idol competition so that she can see the climax of the show which is ja and dick lee singing "this is home". *birds just flew pass my head* three strokes to her. haha. but it's still a very funny joke. haha.

joyce been working night shifts like practically everyday. and she's barely at home when the family is at home. she's only at home in the afternoon which is the time i come home. so at least i still get to see her but see her sleeping. haha. but whatever! she's like so desperate for a job or rather money. i don't even understands why she wants to accept this low pay, late hours and unenjoyable job! she better find a better one soon or i think she's going to turn into a zombie. haha.

i think tomorrow, after school, the gang of friends and i are going to jack's place to eat!!! it's going to cost me bomb man. all the savings that i've saved for like 3 months are going to be in this one meal... sounds so unworthy. but it's ok as long as it's once in a while. moreover, i get to spend time with my friends which i think somehow i sometimes ran out of things to say to them. so it's a good time to bond again. haha.

ok i think i gtg now. can't wait for tomorrow which is today. [you know what i mean.] haha. ok bye!

no decent study place

2006-07-29T03:07:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

today's a nice day. nothing much happened. haven't been doing any intense studying. and many people in class are falling ill. especially may. heard from melissa that she's very sick. and she's been absent in school for like 2 or 3 days.

realised something when sihui was absent in class. that is i have no real friends in class other than sihui herself. hardly talk to anyone in class when sihui was absent. cos i dun really know what to talk to the rest of the people in class. maybe can talk to yingqi, sam and melissa but there's not much also. but who cares? and i have to concentrate and not be drifted away by these senseless problems. haha.

papa and boy are so lame. they've created their own game with a deck of poker cards and are playing with each other now. so lame. haha. i think papa is feeling much better now. i can see he is recovering from his eye infection cos he can open his eyes bigger now. haha. and i think he's feeling very worried cos he hadn't been working for quite a few days and that will mean lesser income and maybe a negative income. cos he have to pay the rental everyday regardless of whether he is working or not. i think he should change a job and he thinks so too. but he's not looking for one. just flip the newspaper la!

had flu on wednesday. i think i caught it from sihui. but i'm alright now. i can't find a decent place to study at home and i'm always easily tempted by the television and the refrigerator. keep going in and out of the kitchen to look for food just so that i can get away from the work. so on friday, i tried studying in school or rather completing my homework in school. but i did it very slowly cos i was quite annoyed by the noise cause by the unifrom groups and the band. plus it's quite scary to work alone in the classroom. so i'm trying to find someone that is willing to stayback with me in school to study together. but i still don't dare to pop the question to ask people cos i have the mindset that they will reject me and think that i'm weird. -sigh- i don't know what to do and i'm very worried that i won't be able to complete my studies. i wanted to do a timetable but i don't know how to start one. gosh, i'm so dead!

i still miss the cousins now and then. just wish that we could gather and let time stop there. but i know it's impossible.

i think i gtg now. can't spend so much time here right? haha. ok bye!

carnival day

2006-07-21T01:12:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

today's carnival day. and things didn't went out as planned. it was very disorganised and messy. not everyone was in class and melissa who was supposed to play a big part in entertaining the grannies was late. so i started with bingo first and it soon turn out so chao when melissa finally came. argh! everyone was all around the class and it's very difficult to get those grannies to coorperate with us. but it's all over now. *shakes sweat away*

after the grannies left, some people started playing bingo with the leftover bingo sheets. so they kept using back the same sheet for so many games. so environmentally friendly. haha. xiaoxian was the neatest among all. then started playing the drawing game and it seems fun. only that i didn't dare to voice out to them that i wanted to play too. then at 12pm, we had to move back to our class which was on the ground floor. and then we had to do a survey as a class. and there's many things that i disagree but i didn't dare to open up. so i just went for the majority. when it comes to the question on "whether the school have given us adequate information about carnival day", the whole class strongly disagrees and we got a dressing-down by both our FMs, who are mrs loy and mrs tan. they were like both in a bad mood, especially mrs tan. i was asking her whether i could go to the washroom and she was ignoring me. so i had to ask her plenty of times before she answered me a "yes" in a moody or rather sulking way. the whole class was so pissed when both the FMs scolded us for saying that we strongly disagree that the school didn't give us adequate information on carnival day. we didn't even have the programme paper which every classes had. they totally left us out. i pretty mad about this because it was true that we didn't have enough information that made the whole carnival day so messy and unpleasant. people are late because we didn't get the programme sheet which was very important. and the 2 FMs expect a very politically right answer in the survey. HEY! this is a survey, so it's for our feedbacks. and we are the one who are executing the task, not YOU! so how do you know what we feel when we were entertaining the grannies. i feel so helpless at that time lah! if you expect an answer that would make the school happy and that it doesn't tally with what we feel, then what's the use of calling it a survey. why don't you just do it yourself then? quit asking us to do these survey when you teachers are not happy with our answers! argh!!!

enough of that. had my Prelim english oral yesterday and it didn't went well. was tongue-tied and could not pronounce many words properly when i knew how to say it. argh!!! i even pronounce "food" as "fruit"!!! what was i thinking??? oh my gosh. i think i'm going to fail for this oral!!! i screwed up everything. she asked me alot of questions for the conversation and she also asked me questions on the picture conversation which shows that i did not describe the picture properly... what am i to do?

oh, i just came back from buying dinner. and i find ah boy very sweet today. when we wanted to go and buy dinner, he asked me: "you going to wear this shorts?" then i asked: "very short ar?" then he nodded his head. haha. he's so cute. at least he's concern about his big sister that people will stare at her when her shorts are short. haha. actually that shorts is quite short but not to the extend that it showed off your butt and undies. haha. anyway, i think his small little action had made me feel that he's actually not that bad afterall. and he even wanted to treat me to a chocolate pancake and soya ice cream. isn't that sweet? haha.

well, i think i've gtg now. still haven't asked mum about the planned holiday vacation trip with amy and joanne if i score flying colours for my O'levels. oh. and i forgot to say this. i failed my chemistry practical test and almost failed my physics trial practical. gosh. i wonder how am i going to survive for O'level? how? haix. ok really gtg now. bye!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CINDY!

2006-07-07T00:21:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable,

cindy sounds so excited when i was chatting with her just a moment ago. well, i think it's because later there will be a celebration with the cousins for her cos it's her BIRTHDAY! Yup Yup! it's her birthday!!! HAPPY 14th BIRTHDAY, CINDY!!!

i was pretending that i didn't know that it's her birthday. so my tone was like "it's just another family gathering" kind of tone. but i don't think she detected it. oh so sad. my attempt to trick failed. haha.

well, i'm so crazy with the high school musical. the ending is kind of dumb. but overall, the movie was great. haha. the songs are nice too! especially "the start of something new" and "breaking free".

today i had a chemistry CA. it was alright but i was very nervous. i hope i'll get good grades for this. anyway, i'm kind of disappointed with myself. mrs cheong told us to come back to the chemistry lab during recess to complete my experiment but i didn't. and she passed a note to tell us that she's very disappointed with us for not turning up. and i feel so guilty. i mean it's my critical year and yet i didn't such a senseless thing. i should have turned up. i should have just forget about recess and go for it. moreover, there will be a practical test on monday. how am i going to survive?!?!? gosh! i'm so dead. i'm doom!

well, i've been talking to jet on the phone. and he told me that his internet's not working cos of some problem. i think it's somewhat a good thing that his internet is not working so that he will not be glued to the com for so long to cramp maple. i mean it's just an online game. he's spending too much time on it. so it's a good thing that the internet's gone and he won't be wasting time now! haha.

okok jet. don't be mad at me for saying that but you know that i don't like you playing maple for so long and even spending money for such a useless game. anyway, saying it here doesn't harm cos he can't even read it without his internet. haha.

on wednesday, i went to the band concert. and it was great! it's fantastic! especially after the interval. i like the song on the incredibles and the saturday night. the one thing that i got irritated was the guy sitting in front of me. he's head is always blocking my view! i wanted to tell him to move his head down but i didn't dare. because i was thinking maybe i was blocking someone behind too. so i put the matter aside. haha. the whole show was magnificent! then i went home with calister, sheng jie, kendra, siyan and teng. we were all so high after the performance. haha.

PFT will be around the corner. and i'll be doom by then. i lack stamina and i can't complete the 2.4km run. what am i going to do!!! i need to train but i'm too lazy. i feel like a fat sloth. and my arms are very flabby. i need to get myself into shape before PTF so that i can get a gold hopefully. haha. i'm starting to realise that i'm very concern about the way i looked and the way people looked at me, what they think about me and stuff. i guess this is part of growing up. but i'm afraid that i'll be too concern about it. like the pimples and stuff. and i've got picky hands too. so it's so tempting to pick it. i have to stop all these obsession!!! i can't let this continue... but how to stop it!!! argh!!! this is so frustrating!!! argh!!!

well, i guess i'll be going now. wonder if i'll be going for the cousins gathering. i hope i can go but i will feel bad to enjoy and see my mum worrying for ying because of her eye infection. thought this could be a happy occasion after so much things have happened. but i guess it turns out to be fretful day. hope ying will be alright soon. and i hope that papa will go see a doctor. he's getting worse each day... come on papa. don' t save this kind of money. it's your health. you can't buy it back, you know?

ok i gtg now. bye!

holiday vacation

2006-06-30T05:14:00.000-07:00

dear faeriefable

today is another nervous-wrecking and stress day. had chinese O'level orals and totally shrewed it up. i didn't expect to say those english words out during my chinese conversations. i'm so dead!!! why am i always shrewing important things? i can't seem to be doing anything well, can i?

the worst of all things is that i had a big stain on my pinafore. i'm always having my period during important days and events. the same thing happened during the oral for mid year. i was so loss. i didn't know what to do. today it's even worse. it's O level and it have to leak big time!!! well, what has happened has happened and i can't turn back time. so let's just say that it's over. i so wish that i'll do well my chinese O level. i'm counting it in my L1R5!!!

today i was kind of stress too. mainly because of that big leak i had. but partly because i had to collect 3 sets of worksheets from my class and they weren't cooperating by handing it up on time. i almost got scolded by ms tee. i even got ferena to help me. thanks ferena! almost got her scolded by ms tee too. because of the big leak i had, i think i gave ms tee a bad impression today. well, first it's because i was not wearing my pinafore during her lesson. second, because i could not complete the task i was suppose to do, which is to collect the 3 sets of worksheets for her. i'm such a bad physics rep. i'm determined to work hard and score colourfully good grades for my O level. it's not i have decided on what school i'll be going in the future but i feel that it'll determine how far i will go in the future and where i would go. so I WANT TO WORK HARD!

i'm missing the cousins already. i don't know why. but i really miss them. i've been thinking about them lately. and how i wish we could all live together without any adults around and make a living to provide ourselves. i hope they feel the same way. it's so nice and relax to be with them. well, i was thinking about going on a holiday vacation with joanne and amy when i graduated. just the 3 of us. but that's kind of impossible. i've never been abroad before and plus i know my parents would not allow too. considering my family's situation, i think they could not afford me to go overseas for a vacation or so. but thinking of it makes me happy too.

if amy and joanne agrees to it, and we have already planned for it, i bet i'll make that a goal for me achieve it. i'll try asking them. and if they agrees, i think i might consider asking my mum whether she'll allow me. and i'll start saving up so that they do not have to provide me with much. i may even ask mum to make it as a challenge for me so that i would have a goal to look to for my O levels. for instant i have to score a certain number of distinctions or a certain grade so that i could go to the vacation with them. this is so exciting!!! i can't wait to ask amy and joanne about it and maybe we could arrange it!!! oh my gosh, this would be so fun if it really happens!!! going overseas with only the three of us!!! AAHH!!! i can't believe it if it really happens!!! haha.

well, i think that's all for today. bye faeriefable!

love, sweet-treats.

i'll miss him, my good old grandpa.

2006-06-25T03:02:00.000-07:00

indeed. many things have happened in this period of time. so many people passing away. so many sudden news. and so many changes to adapt to.

my grandpa just passed away a few days ago. never in my mind did i expect this to happen. on monday, teng, boy and i went to visit him but he was sleeping and we didn't want to wake him up so we just took a look at him and stayed there for like 5 minutes and left. he was weak then but at that time, i thought he was just tired after some treatment or medication and needed some rest. but on friday, teng wanted to go and visit grandpa in the hospital and asked me if i wanted to go along with her and i said: "yes." but at around 5pm-6pm, a phone came and said that he passed away. i didn't expect it to be like this. he was ok when we visited him last week. he talked to us, his mind was clear and could remember a lot of things. but things have to be this way and i have to accept it. it's all so sudden like a volcano just erupted or like tsunami just came without any notice. a few days ago, i was consoling amy on the death of her grandma, and now i have to console myself to be strong. it's so ironic but it's a fact.

what anger me was that the uncle which stayed with my grandpa did not inform us that he was going to passed away when he was at the hospital, grooming my grandpa so that he can breathe his last breath peacefully and handsomely. he knew my grandpa was going to passed away and yet he didn't call us to see him the last time. i've always hated him! he's so evil to do this to us. this concerns a life that's so precious and close to us and he just treat us as garbage. he's so rotten! i hate him!

i regretted not spending enough time with him ever since he moved out of my house. i regretted not seeing him to his last breathe. i regretted that he have to move out of my house. he always love us and do whatever he can for us.

i remember when i was young, he always bought siew mai for me after he picked me up from my kindergarden. i remember when i was in primary school, i forgot to bring an umbrella and it rained after school so i rang him up to call him to pick me and he specially bought me this umbrella, which is so expensive but he bought it because of me, and gave it to me when he picked me up. he even told me to bring it to school everyday so that he won't have to worry about me. that was so sweet and it still is until today. i remember the days he stayed at my house. every chinese new year, he would buy new year cake and fry it for us as he knows we love his way of cooking the chinese new year cake even though mum would say him that he made a mess in the kitchen sometimes. so many sweet and wonderful memories of him doting on us, doing whatever little things that make us so happy.

i will miss him and will remember him forever. i've decided that i want to earn alot of money so that i can buy a big house. it's because of my house which is so small and so many people accomodating in it that my grandpa have to move out. because ying was about to be coming into this world, so there wasn't enough space for my grandpa to stay and my parents have to ask him to stay at that stupid uncle's house. that evildoer!!! i just so wished that my house was big so that, at that time, my grandpa would not have moven out. i know he doesn't want to move out because he even volunteered to sleep in the kitchen. i don't want him to move out. i cried in the night before he moved out. it's so sad...

after so many things have happened, i've learned alot of things about life and i do agree on what amy says in her blog [ myash-girls.blogspot.com ]. life still have to go on even if things don't go your way.

i think i just end here. gtg. bye!

holiday happenings

2006-06-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

it's been quite a while since i've blogged. lots of things have happened during these past few days. sad things and happy things. soon, school is going to reopen in like 2 or 3 days time. i've still got lots of homework to do and lots of revision to study. i've been noticing many of my classmates have been mugging the past few days during the holidays but here i am fooling around, enjoying myself so much that i have slacken alot and still in a holiday mood... i don't even feel stress. like i'm just taking things easy and let things just go by naturally... maybe i should stop and mug now and be a nerd in order to achieve my goal. but i know the tv is indeed very attractive to me. i can't resist not switching it on for 1 day. maybe i should just slowly cut down and slowly not watch it already... i shouldn't rush myself... i have to take small steps in order to advance to the next level... ok. slow and easy wins the race. haha.

12 - 15 june was chalet with the cousins. i stayed until 14 june cos on the 15 june, i had to do legacy project with my team. a little sacrifice is worth it cos we managed to finish the project in just 1 day! haha. that was fast! ok, back to the chalet thing. being with the cousins have always made me feel so fortunate to be their family and to be so close to them. i've got to take back my words on the cousins beginning to feel like stranger thing. what rubbish was i talking about! they have proven me wrong and i'm so elated that they did prove me wrong cos i won't want this to happen too. we really enjoyed ourselves and spend every little tiny weeny bit of time we have left. we played, chatted, bbq-ed, cycled, raced, strolled on the beach, camera whoring, swimming too!!! lots of silly stuff too!!! i love the part when we have to take the multiple super duper fast shots on joanne's phone!!! it's so hilarous!!! thinking of it makes me wanna laugh too!!! hahahahaha...

then here comes the sad part. just only about 1 or 2 days after the chalet, and 2 days after our maternal grandma's death anniversary, amy's paternal grandma passed away... very sad to hear that. i was distraught when this bad news was told to me. and the past few days i went to amy's house to attend the funeral... carol da jie must be very sad. she's so close to her ah ma... i know everyone's sad to have someone suddenly not around to nag at you or boss you or even just there, but hey, we just have to live so instead of living so sadly, why not lived happily. isn't it better? try to take things easily ok? i know it's hard. the cousins will always be behind you guys to support you and give you guidance even if we don't know anything... haha. SO I WANNA SEE THAT BIG SMILE OF YOURS NOW!!! hahahahahaha... hope you guys are feeling better now...

ok i think i gtg now. my show is starting... bye!!!

restless

2006-06-10T03:44:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling very restless today. and i feel a little sick. think i caught the cold cos yesterday i fell asleep while watching tv. so i ended up sleeping on the sofa with no blanket... and it was raining last night... must be very cold yesterday... so in the morning i woke up because i was feeling cold and wanted to cover myself with the balnket when i found out that i was sleeping outside in the living room. haha.

talked to mrs cheong about the science lab seating arrangement and came to an agreement which i'm not satisfied at all. stupid! i have to sit with the most irritating person in class during science lab lesson. and i can't go back to my seat! i know almaas must be grinning evily now cos she got her way of sitting with limin, her best friend, and then they can talk and laugh together on how i will be tortured by the most irritating person in class... i'll just have to treat this as a challenge for myself... and be more attentive in class and ask the most irritating person to shut up before i'll bash her up! don't know why, i cried while talking to mrs cheong cos i don't want to know the truth that i'll be sitting permanently and changing seat permanently. i don't want things to flare up too. but it turns out the way that i didn't want it to be... that's why i cried and that's why i've been moaning all day because of this situation...

finally finished the secret project present that i wanted to give to amy... hope she'll like it cos i spend a lot of time and effort doing it... i'll kind of please with the end product but the more i look at it, the more i feel it's a little boring... but i'm so excited to see her face when i give this project present to her!!! will she be touched? will she be moved? or will she just accept it and say nothing about it? i hope not... just hope that she'll like it... and the letter cum poem i wrote for her sounds a little weird... haha.

today, i was supposed to have a cousin gathering... seems so impromptu... and many of us can't make it... so it was cancelled. dampen my whole spirit for the whole day. that's why i'm feeling very listless and bored now... i was thinking what will the cousins do together when we meet up... and i couldn't think of any... i couldn't think of what to talk to them... and i couldn't think what to do with them... it sounds kind of sad... seems like we'll soon be strangers already... cos there's like simply no activities to do together anymore... hope it turns out well in the chalet on monday...

the new fridge came today. and it was delievered late to us. it was supposed to be delievered to us between 10am and 3pm. but it came at around 5.30pm. so mum was kind of frustrated... cos she wanted to go out the other aunts to buy materials for the chalet... i think they're not going anymore cos it's kind of late now... feel like going out today. but i have nowhere to go and nothing to do... i'm just simply bored now... i guess the saying "boredom kills" is really true... i just feel so useless. i know that time is very precious but i seem to be wasting time... and i know i cannot buy back time. so once it's gone, it's gone... it'll never come back... but i'm just sitting down, doing nothing, wasting time, waiting for monday to come, waiting for something to do even though i know i got lots of things to do... how stupid and useless am i, huh?

somehow i just feel watching tv is such a chore now... cos i feel like sleeping whenever i watched tv... and i wonder why? a tv addict like me sleeping while watching tv... sounds so absurb...

well, i think i gtg now... bye for now...

broken family

2006-06-04T02:44:00.000-07:00

he just came back. she went out with the rest.

the first thing he said to me was: "your mum went to buy fridge is it? she's so rich right? got money to buy fridge but don't want to give me money."

i hate him. i hate her. i hate money. i hate this broken family. money, you're the problem. i don't really remember having a happy family from the day i was born. i don't even remember the day they don't even quarrel. they're always quarrelling or else they would be in a cold war like now. they have not talk to each other for 3 or 5 months already. and i know this will continue till the end of this year or rather forever. i don't even know when it will end or how it will end. maybe never. we're innocent. we're caught in the middle. we're just being dragged in for nothing just because you two can't communicate with one another. i hate you monsters!!! i hate you!

i see happy families all around me. and look at mine. "don't ever think of having this scenery, jo" i tell myself. they'll never make up. amy, joanne, siying, calister... all have happy families but i'll never have it. i admire them. i'm jealous of them. i feel the hope they have that i don't. i feel the happiness they have that i don't. i feel the bliss they have that i don't. they're so fortunate. i wish i would part of that story and not this.

they ruin my childhood. or rather i don't even have a childhood. i have nightmares all over. no dreams. no nothing. all aura of unfortunate stuff. when will i be out of this tale? when will i run away from this? when will this nightmare end? never i know. but i still wish it would.

there's no end to it...

GET OUT

2006-06-03T03:08:00.000-07:00

time, will you come back?
time, can i bring back?
time, did you hear me?
i'm calling you...

time, you're so lifeless.
time, you're so heartless.
time, you're so thoughtless.
i'm wanting you...

come and go
you fade away
memories stays
i lose you forever
childish i am
for even i know you'll never return
i'm waiting for the day for you to stay and never go away
as it's the happy moments that stays
that keeps me going
but sad it is
only to reminisce them
for i know i'll never come back...

[unfinished...]

hey peeps. i'm back. feeling kind of down now. it's like time is just passing by and i'm like wasting it, let my hand off it. the holidays are here and i'm not really enjoying it. i just feel that i'm doom for sure cos i know i'm not making full use of time and i'm not spenting my day so fully. i just sit around thinking of things i want to do, things i need to do and things i want to share. but i'm not doing anything. i'm just some useless being, wasting time, wasting life and wasting stuff. i miss people i love, people i want to be with my whole life. but they are not there, they're busy, they've got things to do better than wasting their time on me. i want to leave this place, leave this home and leave this family. this stupid broken family. my scattered glass heart on the floor and no one wants to pick it and mend it. cos there's no one there. no one to reach their hand and pull me up when i fall. cos in this broken family, no one cares.

i hate my father. i hate my mother. and i hate money. i don't hate my siblings cos they're innocent. i so wish i could run away from here and never come back. or i wish to go back happy times, where i would just leave in a world where all my cousins are, all my loved ones. just them will do. but i know it'll just be an unfulfilled dream, an ungranted wish. why is it that i have to live in such a cold home when it's supposed to be bringing warmth? i dread going home. i trying to shun home as much as possible. can they get out of my life? they add misery to me only.

so GET OUT NOW! I HATE YOU!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

time

2006-05-19T10:10:00.000-07:00

i'm having empty feelings now. everything feel of no importance to me. sometimes, i don't even know what i'm thinking or feeling. and why i'm having these kind of feelings.

well, i really have nothing to say. maybe i should just talk about the events that happened in the past few days. joyce just switched off the light in the room. that means she'll be sleeping and i'll be the only person awake for now.

i can't remember much about the happenings so i'll just elaborate on some latest ones.
well, these few days i'm broke. only had $2 to bring to school. papa gave us $6 pocket money daily but i owe teng $10 so i'm repaying her $2 each day so that leaves $4. then i'm saving $2 each day so that i will have money for the saturday outing. so ended up i'm left with $2 to bring to school each day. it's not really nice to be broke but it helps me to resist myself from buying extra food and useless stuff. so that can be counted as an advantage. plus it also stops me from going out after school to eat lunch and to go home straight after school to eat lunch at home which is basically bread with peanut butter and nutella spread... yummy~!!!

thursday was the start of the chinese intensive remedial which is so useless. i'm not trying to be mean here but it's the fact that fei fei is lazy and practically don't know how to teach. thank goodness i still have chinese tuition or i can be prepared to fail chinese for O's (choy!). i was very pissed on thursday cos fei fei wasn't teaching at all. she was just letting the class watch some crap videos which is so irrevelant to chinese and it's just a waste of MY TIME. it's like i'm just staying back for the sake of staying back. and i still have to wait for the time to strike 3pm and wait for her to say the lesson has ended before i can go home. i was already feeling pissed. so after class ended, i had to wait for siying so that we could go home together. so i had to wait for her until 3.30pm. wait and wait and wait... finally when her class had ended, i thought we could finally go home but no. she and gang wanted to watch the interclass netball tournament. so i was like " i don't want" and "i wait so long already. now still have to wait again." but even after much "confrontations", they still continued with their own plans which is to watch the interclass netball tournament. practically treating me as some transparent somebody and taking me for granted. so i was already pissed because of the intensive chinese remedial crap and i'm more pissed because of having to wait for them even longer. so i waited for them awhile until i finally cannot take the waiting anymore and i just left with a sort of pissed face.

i just don't understand why is it that i have to be the one doing the waiting everytime? and after that day, i realised that they didn't wait for me before. i'm always the one waiting for them. and i've also decided that i'm not going to wait anymore. i'll just go home myself. i'm sick of waiting. waiting and waiting and waiting. and wondering when they will be done. and in the end, after waiting it turns out to be like this. i'm taken for granted. this isn't a good feeling. it just shows that i'm of no importance as a friend. i'm sad.

well, today (friday) i sticked to my plans of going home and not wait anymore. so i went home myself and i met calister at the bus stop and we started chatting. reached home really early today at around 1.45pm. but i just waste the time off by watching crapping shows on the tv and taking my own sweet time to eat lunch. time. once it's gone, it'll never come back. even if you wish i'll come back, it'll never will. people just keeping growing older and older... how i wish one day, time will just freeze and everybody will no longer have to grow old and reminisce the past... don't you think so?

well, i think i'm done with this entry. i've got a feeling that i'm wiser now... haha. kk gtg now. bye!!!

faeriefable

2006-05-12T01:52:00.000-07:00

tell me a story
tell me a tale
tell me a fantasy
tell me it's real

though make believe
deeply in love
so deep to not think
so deep to not feel
so deep i can't sleep
so deep i can't dream

you once told me a fable
a once upon a time tale
for i will remember that little fairytale...

magicians of love

2006-05-05T12:39:00.000-07:00

i'm watching this super nice taiwan show called "magicians of love". in chinese, it's called ai qing mo fa shi. it's so nice and hilarious. all thanks to siying, who influence me in watching this show. now i'm addicted to it. i'm still waiting for it to load. it's taking such a long time. i'm so impatient now. well, i shall take my time to watch it or else i'll end up like siying watching all the 12 episodes uploaded and ended nothing to watch, which makes her so impatient to catch the next episode. haha.

well, got back some results. and i'm quite surprise for history. thought i would fail but i ended up passing it. really happy for myself. then i got back emath. was quite disappointed cos it's not the marks that i want. i was really confident about math and stuff. guess i have to reflect on my attitude towards math again. overestimated myself about math. and i know i've failed amath without looking at the results. it's a sure thing. i didn't even finish like half the whole paper. yes. you did not hear me wrongly. it's half the whole paper not half the page. -sigh- guess i need more time management and practise. the rest of the subject is still left as a mystery until the teachers tell us... haha.

intend to go to the library to borrow some books to read, especially mitch albom's tuesdays with morrie. really want to read that book. it seems so nice!!! i've got some details about it after reading a symmary of it. mitch albom's books are always so meaningful and never fails to touche the human heart. haha.

well, i'm still missing my dear cousins. really feel like meeting them but the time is not right. because most of them are having their mid years. not actually most of them but some of them, especially the younger ones. haha. will meet soon right?

ying just started her art class today. her first lesson!!! haha. she's so cute. everyone was so excited for her. mum went to fetch her there and stayed there for awhile to let her adapt to the environment before going off. she didn't cry. she even enjoy the lesson. when she came back home, she even went around the house showing her master piece [ a drawing of her in the zoo with elephants]. haha. it's so perfect! i mean, for a 5 years old, that drawing is absolutely perfect and beautiful drawn. haha. i think she will enjoy these classes in the future and continue to show off her talent for art. if our house is not that poor, then hopefully we can send her to learn some dance too. but i doubt it. haha. well, i'm just so proud for ying! good job!

it's about 4.30 am. and i'm still not asleep. maybe it's because i slept in the afternoon. but mostly, it's because i want to watch that simply funny and appealing taiwan show. i wanted to laugh aloud when i was watching it but it's so late that i don't dare to. cos everyone's asleep. i've just found out something. no. actually, i found it out long ago but i'm just repeating myself. back to the point, i found out that i've got nothing to do or nowhere to go when it comes to internet. i just come and watch the show but while waiting for it to load, i've got nothing to do. that's so sad, isn't it? no one to talk to too cos it's so late. well, i just have to spend my time here crapping to waste time so that the show can load. and it's taking such a damn long time la. i'm getting so impatient now, especially when i'm stuck at the most hilarious part of the show. argh!!!

my school is holding some public performances and we, students, have to go and booked tickets and it's compulsory. can you believe it? so what lor. you say it's a public performance so it's meant for the public and moreover, you can just act, play and dance during assembly right? why waste our time and money? so i've decided to go for the band and string/dance performances. but i can't booked it cos my printer is out of ink. our school is so cheapskate. they want us to book online and print the tickets ourselves online so that they can save paper and ink. what cheapo lor. plus, the online forum booking system is also going haywire. and i've heard that those people who booked, got a seat that doesn't even exist in the theatre and some even booked the same number seats, which means that 2 or more people got the same seat. so these people have to go and see the teacher. and if you're unlucky, they will tell you to book again. so the seat that you want is no longer yours already. this whole booking thing is so horrible. so troublesome somemore... argh!!! shall stop talking about it.

well, i think i'll stop here. gtg now!! back to watching my show!!! bye!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHENG JIE!!!

2006-04-29T13:14:00.000-07:00

I'M BACK!!! haha. finally's the mid years over. i know i'm going to do badly this time. cos i practically didn't finish all the papers especially amath. really is a great blow to me. and i cried in school. will elaborate on it later.

well, i'll start off with the day that the exam's over. the whole gang (me, sheng, siying, wanyuan, brina, calister, kendra, eunice, jessica, sihui, sooming) went to kbox to celebrate sheng's birthday and at the same time, we also celebrated the last day of exams. we went to suntec 's kbox and they gave us this huge room. plenty of space for us to walk around and even go high. haha. when we first entered the room, we were like "wow, so big!". haha. then we see this small tv there. and kendra was like "huh? why so big room, so small screen?" and when we look back, "wow, big screen!!!" it's a projector. haha. at first, everyone was very shy and coy but when things started to get warm up, we started to become high. and sang a lot of songs. the most funny thing was the part when siying, calister and brina took a photo with xiao zhu on the screen. we were like "diao". haha. it was so hilarious. then there's this time when the waitress came in and say "do you want to bring the cake in now?". then everyone was like "AHHH!!! how can you say out?" we wanted to give sheng jie a surprise. then she said it out so we just have to bring the cake in. haha. then we sang brithday songs for shengjie. kendra and siying even sang one brithday song especially for sheng jie. haha. it's was so funny. i was like laughing all the way. haha. we ate sushi for lunch and i tried alot of sushi which i've never eaten before. haha. it taste quite different from the way they look. haha. after that, we went around suntec city and walk. and we finally took the mrt and parted. it was great day and i really enjoyed it. next time we shall go kboxing again, huh guys? haha. HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY SHENG!!!

all of us at kbox with the birthday girl and the cake.

maybe i shouldn't talk about the amath exam. it still makes me sad when i think about it. i just realise that i'm not really good at math anymore. i'm just an average joe. and i overestimated myself. i'm too overconfident when it comes to math. i shouldn't be like this. i guess i deserve it. -sigh-

there's a new legacy project up. and i've group with sihui, xiao xian, weeling and hannah. well, i love proejcts. it just depends on the group members and i think this group is great. well, i think we will have fun doing the project. haha.

well, these few days i've been feeling very lonely without jet calling me and without him sms-ing me back. i was worried for him. i thought something happened to him. i was wondering why he didn't reply my messages and called me even when he know that i've finished my exams. finally, after like 2 days, after messaging many many messages, i got back a message from him today saying that he was sorry for not calling me and that he didn't check his hp for the past few days, that's why he didn't reply. well, i'm relieved that he's fine, but it made me feel stupid worrying him for nothing. i thought pigney grounded him or something. moreover i didn't see him online when he's an online lunatic. oh my gosh. jet! i'm going to bash you up when i see you. haha. still i miss your voice and your talks with me. hurry call, ok my dear cousin?

i missed all of the cousins suddenly. i just realised that it's been ages since the last cousins' outing. and the last cousins' outing wasn't very well ended even. so little people came. only me, teng, boy, cindy, jet, xiang, steph and justin. that's all. it's the spicy steamboat gathering and it was so boring. argh!!! my dear cousins, can we gather some time soon? i want to kboxing with you guys and i want to eat steamboat with you guys again. i miss you guys. your smile and faces. and your laughter too. i miss the old days with you guys. you guys seem so busy. i seem like a loner. wonder what you guys are busy with lately? wonder what you guys are up to lately? i really want a gathering soon!!! so that we can have fun together again. but when it's time to part, it still feels sad... haha. how happy things end so fast and how sad things end so slowly... haha.

well, i think i gtg now. bye!!! :)

tense

2006-03-24T08:03:00.000-08:00

everything seems so stressful and pressurizing now. mid years are like 25 more days away. and i'm still here blogging away, internetting, watching tv, relaxing, sleeping and lots of things which doesn't concerns about my studies... the competition is really very tense now and i can feel it so much. i just so wish i'll find a suitable learning method as fast as possible. this whole mid year thing is stressing me up. and i bet when it comes to O's, it'll be even worse. i just feel that i'm not prepared for everything. just feel that everything is so sudden. just feel that everything seems so wrong all of a sudden. what am i suppose to do? i can't concentrate!!! how??? i'm so vexed up now. argh!!! i need help!!! I NEED HELP!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE THERE??? HELP ME?!?! :(

attended this resilience course today. started out quite boring but it ended off interestingly. really saw some parts of myself when the lecturer was talking. learnt alot about myself and my behaviours. some good some bad. but mostly bad. there are some video clips that are funny too. and the self defence part was the best!!! haha. ferena, melissa and vanessa somehow impressed me with their karate. haha.

today it's also lu lao shi's last lesson with us. i find her chinese lesson with us very interesting and catches my attention. i've learned alot from her. and her storys are all so interesting. she's got a lot of chinese idioms to share with us which is so poetic and nice. she also told us her experience in this nortorious normal technical class. she sound so frustrated and agitated when she was telling us. really can feel how she felt when she was teaching in that class. if i was her, i would have cried and quit by then. haha. i'm so useless right? haha.

mid year exams are starting soon and i've not started on anything. been feeling that everyone is ahead of me. and i'm like way behind. and it's the first time in my secondary school years that a teacher wants to see my parents in the meet-the-parent session this year. i bet it's mrs tan. i know it because i've failed english. and i've got a feeling mrs lopez also wants to see my parents because i think i failed last term social studies exam? i'm not sure about it. but i guess i've got to prepare for the worst to come. i'm so tense nowadays. and i know why. i think i know why. it's prolly the mid years and O's. haven't got this feeling for ages and i dun want it to come. the feeling of it is really unpleasant and i dun like it. in fact, i think i hate it!!! gosh. i guess this is life. you got to face challenges in order to lead a easy life ahead. am i not right?

well, i think i better not waste my time now. gtg now!!! bye!!!

tempted

2006-03-19T04:19:00.000-08:00

seriously, i don't know why i'm here. but i've got nothing to do online. so i was thinking of leaving an entry before i go offline.

tomorrow is the first school day of the term and i'm not looking forward to it. to be frank, i've read a few blogs and i found out that people, who really have friends that are so close to them, finds that the starting of school is a gleefull thing to look forward to. but i'm not. i don't know why. but somehow i feel lost when i'm in school. feel that there is no one to talk to. feels that i'm just a wander who roams about in school finding someone to talk to. and the most frustrating thing is that mid years are starting and i've yet started on anything. especially humanities. -sigh- i think i should start on something soon. and make a timetable so that i can organise my time and not feel so backwards when it comes to schoolwork. right! i should do that. but whenever i say i want to do something, it turns out that it's not done in the end. argh!!! this is so annoying!!! argh!!!

i think i'm going to heymath to revise on my e-math and a-math. plus, i think i'm going to be addicted to the computer and the tv (as always). this i got to blame jet who keeps encouraging me to use the com. JET!!! HOW COULD YOU!!! now i feel so useless. so easily tempted by something. why am i always like this?!?!?!

ok this entry is so short and self-repoach. i've got to go and eat dinner now. i'm determined to not be tempted by things very easily again!!! and JET, DUN ENCOURAGE ME!!! thanks!!! haha.

gtg now. bye!

Philosophical entry

2006-03-17T09:55:00.000-08:00

wow. it's been ages since i wrote the previous entry. well, not much things has happened. but that does not mean that nothing happened. so i'll just write about the things that comes into my mind first. haha.

let me think. it's nearing the end of the holidays already which makes me in a gloomy mood. -sigh- time passes so fast and in a wink of an eye, it's been one week already. hmmm. i think i should start from the last two school days to the march holidays.

on thursday, we got back our progress report. it's not very satisfying but it's not really very displeasing too. so it's like average. the only thing that i'm vexed about is my english. yes. i failed once again. i'm really bad in my languages, ain't i? the only person who failed english in class is yours truly, here typing out her life and reflections. i'm trying very hard to understand it but i just can't get the gist of it. it's tough. it's really difficult to try to understand a language which you have been thinking it is correct for the past 15 years and suddenly someone tells you all that you have learnt is wrong and that you have to start from the basics again. it makes me feel stupid. makes me feel that i'm useless. makes me feel that i've wasted all that years learning something that is wrong from the start. i've been doing vocabulary. but i've not started with grammar. i guess i need to start from grammar first right? but i don't know where to start. melissa being nice by giving me this primary 6 english guidebook which i can refer to now and then. and mrs tan... i find her kind of bias. she favours popular girls only. girls that are enthusiastic in class, more open to conversations. unlike me, being so conservative, always keeping my thoughts to myself and don't wish to air it out because of the lack of confidence to speak out. -sigh again- so as i was saying about mrs tan. she gave me 2 sec 2 english assessments for me to practice at home. she totally forgot about me. shujie, chengqi and i were suppose to meet her after school on friday but she wasn't there. so we went home. then on monday, i had a chemistry course so i went to school. and i saw her but i was being a scaredy-cat, and back out to look for her when she is just in front of me. so i finally took the courage to look for her after my course and she told me that she forgotten about me and that she only had sec 2 assessments for me whereas she gave chengqi and shujie upper secondary assessments for them to do!!! how can she forget about me!!! i'm the only person who failed english in class!!! isn't my grades worse than shujie and chengqi?!?! well, i've to think positively too. so that shows that i have to get my basics right before preceeding to the upper level... but i have to get the basics right in a really short time or i'll be doom for O's. :|

ok. enough about the language thing. been looking forward for the holidays so that i can go out with the cousins. but it seems that they are very busy and that they can't spare any time out for the time being. that means this march holidays we don't have a cousin outing. sad. it's so out of the tradition. we always have an outing or two during the holidays. i guess as we grow older, the lesser you spend your time with your family or rather the lesser the time you have to enjoy because we are always hook up with things which makes us really busy. hope we can meet up soon. but i doubt it. cos my mid-years are coming in about 3 weeks and i've not started studying anything. i'll gonna be so dead by then. especially in language and humanities. -sigh- it seems that i'm always sighing my whole life. sometimes, i wonder why there are so many things to worry about. why can't we just let it go and let time do the work. whatever that comes will come. let fate be. but i think it's a natural human reaction to worry about things. unless that person is emotionless. i mean there is surely something in someone that makes them have feelings. to me, i think it's mostly the memories. the sweet-bitter memories. how i wish i could go back time...

well, i've just sign up for a membership in the community centre to use the study room. but it's seen eerie there. it's either me and teng or me alone. and i've to off the lights and air-con after i'm done with the room. i'm a little afraid of the dark especially in places which seems unfamiliar to me. so everytime i off the lights and air-con, i would run to the elevator and quickly go to the ground floor where there's more people. sound daft right? but it's true. haha.

i just found out that i don't study very well in study groups. i think i should study myself and not let anyone influence me. today, i went to almass's house to study with almass and melissa. but it turns out that they are the queen of gossips and kept gossiping non-stop. i'll just have to take my concentration to the test and tolerant with the noise that they were making. haha. then i was idling in almass's house. i tell you. almass has got one of the largest HDB mansionate. it's like 2 flats combined into 1. and melissa and i was like so amazed by it. there's like 2 living rooms. and we can't decide where to sit at first. haha. it was hilarious i tell you. haha. but i've decided to study my own in future. so i guess i have to reject people who wants to study in groups with me. but i think studying with calister is not bad. see first bah. haha.

oh! BoA's latest album has finally reached singapore. i already know that album last year and it is just releasing in singapore. so slow. haha. but i like the song titled secret. it's nice. can you keep a secret? shhh... i'm listening to corraine may's song now. it's very meaningful and it inspires me a lot. sometimes it does says out my feelings. it does carry a lot of weight about things that are happening around me and how i feel when it happened. haha. -smiles- i think i've matured quite a long through the journey of my life. suddenly i understand things that people do, the feelings that people have, and strong feelings inside my heart. i believe when i was young, i wasn't any all like this. carefree, innocent and playful. it's good to be young, isn't it? it's good to be a little girl, little child, little baby. i wonder why people grow? have you ever thought of it before? how i wish there is someone to answer all my questions... an answer that is precise and no doubts in it. but i guess it's impossible. people have different perpective in life so there are many different answers in just one question. philosophic, huh? haha.

i guess i will end here. hope you will find the answer to your own question like what i'm trying to find. ok. gtg now!!! bye!!! i'm josephine. zapping out!!! haha. bye!!!

random

2006-03-05T08:30:00.000-08:00

it's late in the night now and i'm still online. i'm feeling kind of refresh cos i've just taken a bath. anyway, am chatting with jet now but he's ignoring me and went on to play his maple. he's taking ages to answer my questions. haix... boys are all like this. once they are addicted to an online game, they never stop playing them. haha. i think girls are more discipline than boys. don't you think so?

well, not much has happened the past few days. but i'm just blogging to let time past more wisely... haha. i've been trying very hard to improve my english now. been looking through the dictionary now and then you find the meanings of some words that i don't know. and i've finished reading "the five people you meet in heaven" by mitch albom. it's such a touching book which teaches me alot of things such as to forgive the past and live the present. i don't really know how to explain it in profound english. i'm still learning. when it comes to speaking, maybe i'll be able to tell you more about the book. but i feel so accomplished after finishing that book. it's like the shortest time i've taken to finish a book but i know it's short. haha. but just to think on the bright side, i rarely read books and i've just finished one. i'm impress with myself now. haha. i continue reading books when i have the time. haha. i'm so happy for myself. haha.

i'm pretty worried about my exams lately. i've failed my english comprehension and am the only one who failed in class. i feel so ashamed. i must really improve and at a fast rate cos there isn't much time for me to waste around being a sloth. i've been lazing around at home, eating, sleeping and watching tv. i must really stop all these habits that will affect my studies and spend more time improving the subjects that i need to work on. the results for my social studies test was the hardest blow i've ever had. it's the lowest mark i got for SBQ. i'm so dissappointed. next is chinese. it's just one mark to fail already. i better buck up. i can't stand this feeling about being such a failure. then it is history elective. haix. i guess i'm just not really very good in combined humanities or rather in humanities. i'm quite satisfied with both of my math. it's quite high i can say... haha. well, my sciences are not that bad either only that my practicals are pulling me down. so i guess i'm more of a math/science person. but i prefer math better. haha.

everyone's asleep and i'm still blogging. seriously, i don't know what to blog. there's this chinese letter writing exam tmr and i've not studied finished. or rather i'm afraid that i'll do badly in it. i'm really worried about my chinese. i've always been doing well. what's wrong with me? i've realised in chinese tuition today that my chinese ain't as good as i think it was. -sigh- guess i really have to work hard this year. haix...

yup. family. hmmm... i've been wondering why mum been avoiding papa and keep asking us to pass things to him instead of her doing it herself. it's really annoying and i don't like them doing this to each other. and i think papa is crazy. he keeps buying fish and they die after a few days. and he knows that mum doesn't like him to keep fish at home so he's doing what mum doesn't approve. the more mum dislike, the more he wants to do it to make her angry. what's wrong with them? argh!!! i really hate their attitude towards each other. and what has happened in the past has gone already and there they are being petty people. it's already so long ago and they're still like this. especially mum. she's such a petty person. argh!!! and she keeps telling us that we have to give her money when we grow up and ask her to live with us when we get married off. hello!!! if you are going to be like that, i won't, ok? you guys are not showing good examples to us. that is why i've been feeling so annoyed with you two at home. argh!!!

ok i think that's about this entry. gtg now. bye!!! it's really late now. gtg!!! bye!!!

Cherish

2006-02-26T01:44:00.000-08:00

i just found out something. and it kind of feels saddening. it's that whenever i go online, i got no websites to go to. no one to talk to. and no where to go to. i don't even know why i use the net even. it kind of feels weird knowing that you are lost and have no where to go.

just view my hotmail account, and saw the e-card that may send to me. it's nice. really touches my heart and be inspired. i'm now listening to some music. just music, no songs. no one singing just music alone itself. it's all sad. all sad. i'm sad listening to them. haha. feels so awkward now. haha.

i'm kind of addicted to the song "Cherish" by Ai Otsuka. it's nice. but the music video scares me a little. haha. "cherish" this word, really is meaningful. makes me have lots of flashbacks. haha. makes me feel that i'm always taking things for granted and not thinking about others before i do something. that's so selfish of me. i'll reflect on that. i'll be careful of what i do and try not to do anything that will hurt one's feelings. just like what i did in my previous post. i guess i hurt amy's and joanne's feelings for writing all the crap in my previous post. i'm sorry. i take back what i wrote.

i've been looking at what joyce was doing just now. she was cutting some magazines and they look nice. i'm attracted to bring colours i guess. i really love looking at pictures that have nice sceneries. it's really calming and peaceful looking at them. haha. suddenly i feel that i've grown more mature than i think am. suddenly i think i'm wiser. and suddenly i feel that i've lost the noisy me, the fun me and the dumb me. haha. i'll find it later. i somehow i like the calm and peaceful me now for a little while only. or i'll feel that i'm getting older. haha.

guess i'll end this entry with the lyrics of "Cherish"... gtg now folks. bye...

Cherish

Lyrics: Ai Music: Ai

Itsukara ka suteki na koto wa
Hitsuzen youshite dokoka wo ushinatta
Kokoro no tsunagari ni obiete
Karada de ume youtoshita
Fuan wo gomakashita
Sonna mainichi no naka de
Anata wa mou atashi no
Kokoro no naka ni ita

*Moshimo futari fukaku omoete
Itsuka koko de toki wo oetemo
Zutto atashi anata wo aishite
Te wo nobashiteru to omoeta no

Aijou wa nante kowai mono
Dakara nigetari motomeru
Otona datoka kodomo datoka
Nou kankei nai yo

Marude hatsukoi mitai
Unmei dato omoeru kurai
Daki aeba kanjiru
Kore hodo ni nai yume goro

Moshimo futari deae nakereba
Konna fuu ni warae nakatta
Kotoshi ichiban shiawase na no wa
Anata no soba ni ireta koto

*Repeat

get well soon, ah gong.

2006-02-24T06:10:00.000-08:00

Finally the weekend is here. At least can relax a bit. In fact, I’ve been relaxing for the whole week. Feels weird not having any exams for the whole week. Guess I’m quite used to the life the school has wanted us to adapt to, which is to have exams almost everyday of the week. i'm happy for jet. he got his broadband just today. so that means he can go online and chat with me while i can do plenty of things while chatting with him. haha. sounds so fun!!! haha.

i'm worried about ah gong. he just had a fit recently. and he can't walk now. i'm scared that he leave us... choy choy. touch wood. -slaps mouth- he has to sit on the wheelchair. i'm very worried about him. and it's not very convinient for my family to go to the "uncle" house. i shan't talk about him. he's such a loser. i really hate him and his wife especially his wife. she's the evil one. the one who doesn't know what filial piety is. the one who will get her retribute when her sons get married and leave her all alone. argh!!! ah gong is really very sick. he has swollen cheeks and he's eyes have turned very small. i'm really very sad, really very sad. i just so wish all of us can go back in time when i was just a child and that he was happy staying with us and looking after us so happily. he looks so radiant at that time. full of energy. maybe after he stayed with the "uncle", there was nothing for him to do and that he was sitting in his room doing nothing, dazing and dreaming. and that he was very bored. my teacher tells me that once an elder feels lonely for a long time, illness will come. IT'S ALL HIS FAULT!!! what son is he!!! he has no rights to be his son. he doesn't even pay for his hospital bills and kept asking money from ah gong and just throw him a side like that. i feel so sad for ah gong. i really hate him. i really really despise him alot. i just hope that ah gong will stay with us now. at least there is someone who can look after him and that my family is very noisy so that he will feel the family warmth here. in addition, ying is also around to entertain ah gong anytime. AH GONG, PLEASE COME STAY WITH US!!! i know there isn't enough rooms for him to sleep. maybe all the children can sleep in the living room and we will return his room to him. everything sounds so wrong in reality. it's not what i want. this reality is not what i want. i want to the wish to turn to a reality. i really do. ah gong, please be well. you've endured so long. please be well. please be well. please be well...

there is something that has always been in my mind for quite a long time. and i have discussed it with jet yesterday on the phone. well, i dunno if joanne and amy are reading my blogs. i don't even think that there is someone reading my blog. and that this blog of mine has always been my world and my thoughts, feelings, and fantasy. so i'll just say whatever i feels. it's this thing that has been bugging me everytime i'm going out with the cousins. i feel extra. i really feel extra. amy and joanne. jet, ah xiang and ah boy. cindy and teng. me? where am i? stranded somewhere. when there is a place for me to stand then i stand. and when there isn't, i'll just stand aside and is being left out. i'm jealous yet i dunno what i'm jealous of. yes, i do talk to jet often on the phone. in fact, we are very close. but when it comes to family gathering, there's other people that jet wants to hang out other than me. there's ah xiang and ah boy to hang out with him. and everytime they talk is about online games which i'm not interested. yes, i know i'm in the group of joanne and amy. but they are close to each other that i dunno what position i am in when i'm with them. i feel extra when they talk about things that i don't really know. i'm still not as mature as them and i'm really expose to the outside world yet. but they have. the things they say doesn't click in my mind. i'll be like: "huh? what are they saying?" and i'll just sit aside and listen to them talk between themselves. just a listener.

the gathering on my birthday. i've been thinking about it since that day about the conversation among me, joanne and amy. i remember something like this.

jo: last time i more close to da jie one.
amy: ya. last time i more close to joyce.
jo: ya. then dunno when we all become very close liao.
amy: i think is because da jie never gather with us very often and joyce also.
jo: ya, then jojo you last time is with who one?
me: -speechless-
jo: you like time is with me one right?
me: i think so.

see. get what i mean now? i dunno who i'm with. but one thing i know is that i'm always with the cousins. and that they are always with me. i somehow feel that the things that i say is like the cousins have break into different cliques. NO. they have not. they are united. they are bonded. they are together as one. maybe i'm thinking too much. maybe i'm being over-sensitive about it. i'm always having random thoughts. haha.

ok so jet is playing maple now. such a boring game after playing for a long while. i know he won't agree with me to that. and he'll never be. so wholehearted to the game. hai. boys are like this. got back some results and i didn't really do well for some especially my combined humanities. gosh, i'm so bad at humanities. my strong subject is still math. haha. ah boy didn't do well for his CAs too. got quite a scolding from mum just now when she looked through the papers. haha. good luck to him then. haha. we'll work hard together. we'll graduate happily. haha.

ok i gtg now. thinking of cutting my hair but i dunno what style yet. shall do some research before i really make my final decision. haha. ok gtg now!!! bye!!!

screwed yet unscrewed

2006-02-20T06:00:00.000-08:00

celebrated my birthday recently. this is the only year that i ate so many cakes in a week. celebrated with my cousins and my friends. was excited at first. but it turn up to so screwed on my birthday itself until i celebrated with my cousins. haha.

well, i had steamboat with them and was very full. and they even gave me a surprise. haha. they told me that they did not buy me a cake. but my dad really bought me a cake to bring it over to my aunt's house. when teng ask me whether the cake in the fridge is the cousin buy one, i said :" no it was papa buy one. and i bought it over to celebrate together." but i didn't know that the cake that she was referring to was really a cake that the cousins bought for me. haha. so touching. it was a mango ice cream cake. must have cost them a lot. thanks guys!!! sorry to make you burn a hole in your pocket. i really love it!!! Love you guys lots!!!

actually, i had a bad day in school on the day of my birthday. melissa was pissing me off. and may cried because she did the physics practical wrongly. and i didn't finish my practical either. ferena was rubbing it even more into melissa's "jokes". sometimes i really can't tolerate melissa anymore and i just want to scold her. but i'm not very confident of doing that cos i scared that it will make relations between her even rough and she talks better than me so i'm afraid that i won't be able to talk back to her. yup. so melissa, if you are reading this. please be inform that i have my limitation to my tolerance for you so don't piss me off.

oh! at the end of school on my birthday, sihui passed me this little card made by shengjie. it says: "hey josephine! you are cordially invited to your own birthday party." i was so shocked. i wasn't sure what they are up to but this is really something quite surprising as they never tried that before in the previous birthday girls that we celebrated with. haha. good job guys. good idea. haha. so on the 18th of feburary, i had flag day with shengjie, sijie and sabrina. and i managed to finish all the stickers!!! woohoo!!! it was so hot that day. the weather was really not on our side. i was like perspiring like hell and got seperated with sijie. saw some primary school friends but was afraid to say hello to them. after flagday, we went to eat at mac's and got another surprise from sijie, sabrina and shengjie. they actually bought a piece of cake for me. so sweet of them! i thought what were they doing when i was seperated with them. no wonder, they got seperated with me. they went to buy that piece of cake. haha. after that, i went home with shengjie and rested and bath. then left for the "birthday party". meet up with shengjie first than the rest of the gang (siying, sihui, wanyuan, peckhong, brina, calister and eunice). wanted to eat at cafe cartel but there wasn't enough tables for us. so we went to pasta mania. but they same goes for there. in the end, we went to swensen. had fish and chips. was really delicious. then they bought in the birthday cake!!! was really touch by that. but i really know the same old tricks already. haha. didn't fool me this time. haha. then they sang the birthday song and i cut the cake. it was really hard. and it was a OREO ICE CREAM CAKE!!! oh my, so nice!!! haha. then we went to take neoprints after that and left home after walking for a while. really had a great night that day. oh! and they gave me a billabong wallet which is so cool!!! i know my wallet very old lah. but i like what. haha. and they also gave me a cup which is so cute and sweet. haha. now i can use that to drink milo. haha.

today is teng's birthday. actually wanted to treat her to a delifrance meal or something like that. but in the end, mum says she wants to buy her pizza instead. so i never treat her today. i shall treat her tomorrow or the day after. haiya. will treat her soon. maybe i can bring her to swensen to eat too. haha. i feel so guilty not giving her something for her birthday. cos she always does give me one when it's my birthday. so much for being the "kind" sis. haha.

well, i'll thinking of cutting my hair soon. have to do some research firts before i really decide on what hairstyle i want. shengjie got her hair cut so short. but it looks nice on her. shengjie, stop pressing your hair down. it does not look that bad lah. it's nice. maybe i'll cut a jap style hair. then i can be more like my handsome idol, takuya kimura... haha.

ok i gtg now!!! bye!!! and thanks guys for what you have done for me. i really love them!!! thanks!!! gtg now!!! bye!!!

BIRTHDAY GIRL

2006-02-16T07:25:00.000-08:00

i'm in a happy mood today!!! haha. guess why? haha. today i finally realised how much my friends really cared about me. how much my friends really know me. they actually remembered it. i'm really happy that they remembered! i'm really touched by their actions today. i think this year i will not have a lonely bday like any other years. and i think it will be the most memorable one ever. i just can't help resist smiling to myself. they make me happy.

so have you guess why am i happy now? yup. it's my birthday tmr!!! haha. this year shall be a totally different birthday that i ever had in my teenage life. it will be an unforgettable one. i'm also going to celebrate it with my cousins in the afternoon tmr. isn't it great? haha. i just can't wait till tmr!!! just another 22 more minutes and it's tmr already. haha.

just been on the phone with jet. chatted for a while. later i think he is going to countdown with me to my birthday!!! woohoo!!! haha. i find that both my cousins and my friends are all sweet people. love you guys so much!!! thanks for everything!!! and i appreciate what you guys have done and will do... wonder what you guys are up to??? haha... shall see what it is about tmr... haha. i really understand the importance of them now... they make my life a fulfilling one. and make me live the fullest in my every day life... thanks you guys!!! i love you!!!

ok this entry is rather short cos jet will be calling in another 5 minutes time!!! haha... can't wait!!! i'm so excited!!! haha. gtg now!!! bye!!!

the past

2006-02-11T03:49:00.000-08:00

it's been a long time since i blogged. been quite busy lately. lots of exams coming in the way. well, many things have happened in the past few weeks that i didn't blogged. i'll just update on those that are quite memorable to me.

hmmm... let me think. on the 27 of january, i went to watch i not stupid too with siying they all. well, the show is very touching and funny at the same time. one of the movies that i like. it really says out how i communicate with my parents. and how my parents sometimes behaviour to each other. there's this part when Tom's parents quarrelled and did not talk to one another which affect Tom and jerry. they started to ask their children to pass messages to each other although they are just beside one another. this is also what my parents do when they quarrel with one another. and i don't like it. being the middleman is a tough job. it's like being squash between 2 fat people in the bus when it is crowded. get what i mean? haha. well, i cried watching that show. not really cry but when i watch the movie, i really touches my heart and my tears just rolled down. at the same time, i also laughed alot while watching it. haha. really love this show. i think i would buy the cd when they come out. feel like watching it the second time. haha.

a few days ago, guess what happened? something that you will not believe. something that you may laugh but also worries you too. ok. so the thing is that Ying went to put something really small into her nose. and that small thing is from her waterbottle. at first, ah boy and i didn't believe her cos she always say nonsense. after that, she started sneezing and sneezing. and she keep having running nose so we went to take a touch light to check her nose and that small little thing is in it and very deep. we keep asking her to blow it out until her nose all red. in the end, mum and papa took her to the hospital and take it out. they went to SGH first but there got no specialist on this cases so they went to KK hospital and waited there for a very long time. then finally it's their turn, Ying didn't wanted to cooperate with the doctor and the doctor was very rough to her which made her nose bleed. then they change another doctor and she was more gentle than the previous one. she jabbed Ying and she went unconcious with her eyes open. then mum was so scared. then the doctor finally took it out from her nose. mum and papa both didn't sleep that night cos it happened at around tne plus in the night and they came back the next morning. haix. finally it's over! haha.

then on 3rd feburary, my class had a trip to pulau semakua. really had a great time there. we sat on this cruise and went to the rubbish dump island of singapore. and it's not what you will expect there. it's really very beautiful at some places. it's not smelly and there's lots of plants there. took lots of photos there too... maybe i'll put it up someday. haha. have to ask weeling to send the photos to me. haha.

oh. and the O'levels results was out yesterday and i went to see how it was in the hall. the ex sec 4 graduates were jumping, screaming, crying etc when they saw their results. i'm really very nervous when the time comes for me. this made me even more worried for my O's. well, joanne was very upset for her results and the gundo me did know that she was very upset and ask her in the sms whether she cried or not and she never replied me. then mum heard from ah yi that she cried and was very dissapointed. how she's well now. joanne, take it easy. we will be there for you. don't worry, ok?

my stomach's hurting now. i dunno why. just went to the toilet not long. i think i need to go again later. haix... lots of exams. need to study alot now. there will be 6 upcoming exams for next week. hope i do well. didn't expect my a-math CA to fail and ended up to be in the remedial for a whole semester. i better do well in the mid-year exam. but being in the remedial helps me to revise so why not? haha. must think of the positive side mah. haha. tiffany has made a new blog and i think it's pretty nice. hope she doesn't abandon it again just like she did to her previous blogS... haha... it's http://jesusismyman.blogspot.com ... have a look over there!!! haha... tiffany, i help to promote your blog leh. i'm keeping comission hor. haha.

ok i gtg now. bye!!! take it easy, sis. ok? ok gtg now!!! bye!!!

lost.

2006-01-22T02:00:00.000-08:00

hey peeps. i don't really know what to update. but i'm feeling that my family is kind of disunited. everytime mum always say things about papa and i don't really wish to hear it from her. i guess something happened last time that cause this kind of thing to happen now. i also think that papa is also not really concern about the family now. i don't know why. but i just have this feeling.

well, lunar new year is coming and most of my friends are getting so excited about it. but i don't. my family is not really looking forward to it. and i've yet to buy my new clothes. nobody visit my house during new year and we don't really visit as many houses as we do last time. we're not close to my father's side family. more likely to be close to my mother's side ones. i've always think that mum and the other aunts are very close to each other. but i guess i'm wrong. some things happened and i can't say it. secrets are always in my mind. i need to tell someone about it but i'm restricted and i can't cos it's hard to tell a close someone about it when it's concerns about the close ones around me. -sigh-. life so difficult isn't it? i dunno. i just wish i could live with someone that i'm able to convey to and not have any conflicts with. joanne? amy? i don't think so. whenever i see them together, i feel left out. so they are meant to be sisters but i think i'm meant to be a cousin. haha. but thinking about living with them in future sounds fun. i don't know where my future leads to. i don't have a aim, don't have a goal or even an ambition. i feel so lost.

there's 4 CAs next week and i've yet to finish studying. amath, social studies, history and english. i just read through social studies. and i just found out that it's SEQ so that means that i have to memorise it. damn it! i guess competiton in school this year is very tense and tough. i'm afraid that i can't cope, can't manage and can't even graduate. i guess nothing is free and nothing is easy in life. you have to make an effort to get what you one. that is my way of equivalent trade. haha. money? i don't love money nor do i hate it. i just think it's just a tool to exchange things. but why do people see money as an important thing. i guess it is important when you don't have enough to exchange for your basic neccessities. i don't know. it's a way of thinking i guess.

i know someone's been checking my stuff. opening my drawer and looking through my things without permission. who i suspect? mum. she's done this joyce before and it's not surprising that she is doing this to me. but what reason must she do this to me? i didn't do anything wrong so why must you do this to me? i do get the grades that you are happy with. so what do you want from me? i don't like this and you know it. and who would like someone to check on you secretly? no, right? so if you were in my shoes would you like it? no. so why are doing this? why? i want my privacy and it's wrong for you to that even though you think that it is right for you to do as you are my mum. i just don't like it and i'm not hidding anything from you. other than that you also read my messages without asking me. what do you want from me!!! argh!!!

hmm. i think i gtg now. used the com for quite long already and i shouldn't be using it anyway. ok. gtg!!! bye!!!

living life aimlessly

2006-01-18T08:10:00.000-08:00

life's doing okay. starting to adapt to the environment that i am in now. well, i'm still not really used to having HER sitting in front of me in class. she seems quite irritating and lame but then again she can be quite friendly. the only thing is she is too friendly and once you start treating her well she will start pestering you. so maybe i'm not really as racist as i think i am.

i've not really talk to weeling since school started. maybe since the incident happened last year, we have started to be more like strangers now. well, school's been quite stressful lately with all the exams coming up. and i'm having complicated feelings again. but i think this time it is a little different. teng has just joined my CCA and now she has to go home with me or rather stick with me during my CCA. and my bball mates are more on talking to her than me. she's more sociable which is the thing that i'm afraid of. it takes me a pretty long time to accept someone as my friend or to make friend with someone so i'm afraid that i'll lose my friends. and i don't like teng to always stick with me. i mean even in basketball, she can go and play with her sec 3 friends right? why must she play with my sec 4 friends and me? i sometimes i just dunno why she like to do silly stuff.

these few days i've been thinking whether i'm too overconfident of myself already. i like the shy, not really very out-going me. well, gaining confidence is good but gaining too much is not good. i've been thinking that i'm being very proud. i don't like proud people so when i reflect about myself being proud, i don't like the person that i'm thinking. i also don't really like the way i treat my family members sometimes. i think i got AP cos whenever i am in bad mood i will just vent my anger on them which is no good. i should try correcting my actions and ways.

i've been asking people what school they want to go after they graduated. well, i've heard many that they want to go VJC. and sijie wants to take humanities course which i think is the art course in TJC. i don't even know what school i want to go in future and what occupation i want to be. i'm just practically living life aimlessly. peck hong is also like me. well, ah peck, we are aimless beings. haha. i'm also very worried about my english and humanities. i really have difficulty in my languages. today when mrs tan ask us to read the article and pick out words which we don't know, i really had a lot of words which i dunno. my grammar and vocabulary is very lousy. and i always use the same words to express what i want to say in compo. i really need to read more newspapers and stuff to improve my english. it is one of the subjects that is putting me down. haix... mrs tan seems to be looking down on me. i know my english is lousy, you don't have to hint me, right? and i know the class have lots of english-educated people whom you love them dearly but you are just neglecting the weaker students like me. haix...

moreover, i stressed over the physic rep thingy. yes. i'm offically the physic rep in my class. and i don't even know when did i become the geography rep in my class too. everybody in my class who attends geography just push the responsibility of collecting worksheets and money and ordering files to me. hello!!! i'm not wonderwoman or superman you know. i need a break. and while the rest are so free, can't you just be the geography rep. it just seems so unfair. i think i shall seek melissa for help since she is the chairman in class. i shall ask her to tell the class to elect a geography rep so that i will not be too busy. yup. i shall do that... haha.

well, math i love you so much!!! but i don't know what occupation can i be to study math?

ok gtg now. it's late and i've got school tmr. haha. thanks danny for the advice. i really can count on you. haha.. gtg. bye!!!

bad start

2006-01-07T22:23:00.000-08:00

hey peeps. school has started and 1 week has passed already. been very stress, scared, lost and confused. having those complicated feelings again. i'm trying to find someone that i can heed for advice. maybe joanne. maybe amy. maybe danny. i know there is alot of people that i can heed advice from but they have their own things to attend to and they are also busy. i still have to think for them right? i mean they are busy people and they also dun want to waste their time on me. well, i guess i just have to cope on myself.

complicated feelings. i'm really having them these past few days. teachers in school keep reminding us that this year is the critical year and that we will be having a lot of exams and O levels. and that we should start our revision now. everytime they say this my heart keep jumping and jumping. i'm really scared i can't make it. i don't have a goal school in mind and i don't know what i'm heading for. i can't see the future in me. and i feel so lost. the year didn't start off well in school. first day and we had to change our class to the ground floor which really annoys me when i think about it. i've always wanted to be in the classroom on the top floor. just because one of my classmates has a backache and she requested to be on the ground floor then the whole class have to move with her. ARGH!!! i don't like it that way. i've been so used to going to the next door classroom to find my friends and to talk to them. it happens so sudden. suddenly, everything change so fast. i getting to feel further and further apart from my friends. everytime recess it's very hard to find them. i mean it is either i go up stairs to find them or they come down to find me. it's so inconvenient. plus i'm the physic rep which is so unlucky. that means that i have to go see miss tee alot of time to get the worksheets and stuff from her. and that also means that i will be wasting my time like that. plus basketball is on monday and tuesday it is CA period. so i won't have alot of time to study for CA. and other then CAs, the teachers are also giving surprise tests and weekly tests too. and there will be midyear exams this year only for the sec 4. i guess the school really wants to prepare us for the O's. but thinking of this really makes me feel stress and pressurise. it makes me feel that i can't really cope and make it for the BIG thing.

i have to go and eat now. maybe i'll blog later. gtg. bye!!!

unacceptable fact

2005-12-29T23:09:00.000-08:00

SCHOOL'S STARTING IN ABOUT 3 MORE DAYS! AND 2005 IS ENDING IN ABOUT 1 MORE DAY!!! AH~
I'M GOING CRAZY ABOUT THIS FACT!!! I DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT THIS FACT!

well, i've yet to buy my books and teng is like going to share some books with me. but i dun want it. what happen's when i have the same lesson with her on the same day? and then she has to use my textbook then what am i going to use? i guess she just have to buy her own stuff. she can't always use my books and my notes right? i don't have anyone to rely on for knowledge you know? but she has my notes. so she got something to rely on.

homework, i've yet to finish them. and lots of things. but i'm still on my holiday mood. this fact of school starting is horrifying me. i mean i have to suddenly change everything. my mood, my feelings and my attitude. during the holidays, i just take things easy, relax and do the stuff that i want to do. but when school starts, i can't do these anymore. even if i dun want to do homework, i have to do it or the teachers will coming haunting me. even if i don't want to wake up early, i can't or i'll be late for school. argh!!! i dun like sudden changes and i don't really like change. i just want things to be just as what it is now. if only i could go back in time, when i was like 5 years old. so carefree. so innocent. but time passes fast and the fact is time can't go back. what has happened has happened. and what has gone, has gone. we can't take it back. if i was only in a fairytale, where there is only happy endings. that will be so good. that would be like just a dream. but i know it's only a fable. so i just have to come back to reality when the time pass.

holidays just makes me feel so hard to let it pass. it just makes me feel that holidays should be longer, and should be forever. time should stop here. and 2006 will never come. if only i could do that... if only i could...

天灰

如果你不再出现
我的世界还有什么可贵
可惜不够时间
让我们试验什么叫永远

想念变成怀念
心动变成心碎
偏偏还会关切
你最后属于谁

我的天空今天有点灰
我的心是个落叶的季节
我不知道如何度过今夜
所有的灯早已经全都熄灭

如果你从没出现
我会不会觉得快乐一些
可惜残忍时间
总要把诺言一点点摧毁

我的天空今天有点灰
我的心是个落叶的季节
我不知道如何度过今夜
所有的灯早已经全都熄灭

i'm not prepared

2005-12-29T10:55:00.000-08:00

hmmm. so relief now. finally finished my physic project!!! or maybe not really finished, i don't even know what the rest of the members are doing. i think this is the most shattered project i've ever done before. maybe this is not a CA so we don't care that much about it. well, but i've done my job!!! woohoo!!! three cheers for me!! haha. being high here, so don't mind me. haha.

i don't know what's wrong with my stomach again. it's starting to hurt and i went to the toilet like 2, 3 times already. i think it's because of the ice cream i ate yesterday. maybe my stomach is really sensitive to ice cream. but funny thing is that i don't have stomachaches when eat ice cream in the past. maybe i really have to watch my diet. i have successfully succeeded in stopping myself from eating heaty stuff for like 3 days i think. haha. well, not enitrely not eating heating stuff but less than before. thanks to teng who helped control me when i'm tempted. but she is also the one who tempt me. hmmmph! haha.

when to see cindy's ah ma at the hospital yesterday with all the ah yi-s and most of the cousins. amy and jet went to camp so they didn't get to meet with us. then we left the hospital and headed for east coast lagoon's food village!!! haha. the ususal place where we will go and eat with families... haha. we ate lots of stuff there. at first there was like so little food on the children's table and almost all the food were on the adult's table. but later when we went around to order the food, the plates of food started to multiply. haha. well, i think multiply this word makes it feel like there's lots of food. but it's still very little compared to the food we ordered normally. haha. maybe lesser people around so lesser food bah. haha. we orderd hokkien prawn mee, char kway tiao, chicken wings, stingray, gong gong (from ah gu's store. haha.), carrot cake, oyster egg and lots of stuff. we drink sugar cane juice which was yummy-licious. haha. but whenever we eat oyster egg, we would always laugh at ourselves. because we don't eat the oysters, we only eat the eggs. haha. so waste food but the oysters really are not yummy at all. haha. none of us like it, so no choice. haha. before we leave, ah gu even treat all the cousins there to ice creams!!! that is the part when i started to eat ice cream again!!! it's been like quite a long since i've ate ice cream. or is it not? haha. then joanne and i chatted for a while before we go our seperate way home. took cindy's father's car home. joked a little on the way home. haha. the conversation of sally yi yi and her husband was so funny. it goes like this...

yiyi: you want to see pretty ladies?
tior: where?
yiyi: you go to changi village there.

cindy and i started to laugh.

tior: i want to see real ladies lah. they all fake one.
yiyi: they are more woman than us women ar. you don't look down on them ar. haha. you never see how sexy they wear. haha.

and all of us in the car all laugh. haha. it was so funny.

i really hope that the cousins are going out this sunday although school starts on tuesday. well, we'll just have to see first bah. really spend lots of time with the cousins this holidays. normally, during the december holidays i will go to joanne's house to stayover for a couple of days. but this year i didn't go. cos of work, homework and lots of other reasons. moreover, i don't think mum would let me go to joanne's house this year. i've finished the physic report today just because i really want to go out with the cousins this sunday. i was scared that i could not finish it on time but i really managed to finish it on time!!! woohoo!!! haha. now it's heymath that i've not finished. but i'm taking that easy cos i've left about 20 questions. now i'll just have to wait for the cousins to tell me whether they can make it on sunday or not. and whether my mum allows me to go a not.

sometimes i really don't understand mummy at all. these few days she's been taking leaves from work. and i was wondering why? she said that she was sick but i don't see anything with her. ok let me think... mummy took leave from 22nd dec to 27th dec. then today she took half day leave. why? i still don't get it. it's not that i don't want mummy to be at home but i just find it strange. i know when mummy works, she will skip her lunch and all that. that is why she is so skinny. and can you believe it? she is just 45kg or 48kg only!!! and she's about my height. aw~ she's like so thin. sometimes i really envy her figure. sometimes mummy is scary too. mood swings and all that stuff. sometimes she's good and sometimes she just don't care. well, maybe mums are all like this.

boy's been playing on the com for like so long nowadays. well, maybe it's because it's the holidays. so mummy is angry at him for playing online games for such a long time. so guess what mummy ask teng to do? she actually asked teng to not saved the internet password in the com so that boy wouldn't know it. now it's so inconvinient for me to go online. cos i have to type the password and it's quite complicated. and i also have to type the password and make sure that boy do not see when i do that. argh!!! can't boy grow up and be more obedient sometimes? i mean he's going to be primary 6 next year and he has PSLE next year which is an important exam for him. and he still needs people to make him study and all that. i mean when i was his age, i've already started studying on my own. and mummy always make me tuition him when he has an exam coming up. HELLO!!! i also have exams you know. and it's every week for your information. and why do i have to spend my time on him when i can't even cope sometimes on my own. sometimes i also wish that someone would tutor me and make me study even if i don't feel like it. cos i'm really scared for my O's next year. i really scared i can't cope and seeing all the people around study so hard pressurises me a lot. i'm not really prepared for next year. and time passes so fast. it's like going to be 2006 in about 2 days time. and i still feel that i've not done alot of things and i don't want 2005 to end. i'm not prepared. i really am not. why am i do to? i feel so panicky and lost. argh!!! how?

Time passes so fast. just a wink and 2005 is going an end. school's starting and i've not finished my homework. lots of things i still think i need to do and i've not done. lots of things i want to do and i've not done. i'm not really excited for the new year and i'm not looking forward to it. maybe i've enjoyed too much this holidays that is why i'm feeling like this. or maybe i've not enjoyed enough this holidays that is why i'm feeling like that? i dunno. i don't like this feeling. i've not seen my friends for like ages and i want to see them. but the thing is i don't want school to start with all the exams, homeworks and stuff. I DUN WANT!!! my head is like exploding. i'm not prepared. i know i'm not. what am i to do? SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

i think i gtg. bye!!!