jealousy and envy
haven't been blogging lately. well, i guess this entry would be a long one. later i'll be going for tution and siying is going to leave halfway because of band. sad. i'll have no one to talk to in tuition after she leave. woke up at 11.30am today and slept at 4.30 am last night. thanks to my sister. i wanted to use the com but then in the end i help her make friendship band for her friends. when i finally get to use the com, it's like 3 plus already. so i used until 4.30 am. i thought she was going to wait for me to finish using the com then we go to sleep together but she never. she was reading a book then she fell asleep halfway. always like that. haix... why am i always the one that waits for people and never the one that people waits for. maybe i'm just not a good somebody to people.Sometimes this feeling always gets into my heart. i dunno why. i envy lots of people. envy them that they have friends that cares for them. envy them that they found their true friend. envy them that they could be themselves. but as for me, i'm just trying to be my orginal self in school but i can't. the original happy self. maybe it's because i haven't found my true friend. haven't found the one that i trust to tell my problems. haven't found the one that gets along well with me. just like my primary school bestfriend. i guess my expectations for a true friend and a best friend is kind of high.
Envy and jealousy. hmmm... this two words keeps going on in my mind. the differences in this two words are not really very big. in fact, they are quite similar to each other. Well, i must admit that i envy my sister, Teng and that i'm jealous of her too. you may laugh if you think it is funny. to envy and be jealous of your own sister, what for? i dunno. but that is a natural feeling in me. when i was young, my mum always dote my my sister more than me. my father dotes on me too. but when things happened like papa and mummy quarrel, i'm always the one that is being scolded no matter what. after my mum quarrel with my papa, my mum will always scold me for no reason i guess. she will tell me that i always side my father and that i am always the cause of their quarrel. i still remember it clearly. she tells teng that she will surely side her and that i will surely side my papa. this is why sometimes i hate my mum. well, that was last time, the past. but memories still remain in my mind.
My mum likes teng more than me. it's obvious. dun ask why. i dunno. teng... she has good grades better than me. she's em1 in pimary school unlike me em2. there is always a comparison between me and her when we are in the same school. that is why i dun like her to be in my sec school. things happened in primary school happen in secondary school when she came into my sec school. comparing. and the result will always be she is better than me. and will always will. even my friends will always talk about her. saying she is prettier and clever than me. always ask me why she change school. she has more friends than me. argh!!! these words, these things. i hate them. i hate them. i'm jealous.
Envy... yup. envy. teng's more out going. i know from the way she hangs out with her friends. the way she make friends and the way she interact with her friends. she makes friends easily. on the first day of school, she has already got lots of friends. unlike me. i'm more of a anti social person. who is not really very out going. i'm a racist too. i dun really talk to people i dun noe. i wait for people to approach to me. i dun have much self-confidence and i think i lack the friendliness to make friends. whenever i tried to talk to someone, to make friends with that someone. i'm always holding myself back. a natural reaction. i want to talk to them but when i when i see them, i dun dare to say out the things i want to say to them. teng... communicates with people well. i dun. lots of people like her. but me... no. somethings goes to my cousins and my aunt. they also ask questions of her when i go out with them. i may seem happy answering them but that is just a brave front. cousin amy and joanne, i can see that they like teng more. my best cousins... haix... also do this to me. maybe i'm just thinking too much. lack too much self-confidence i think.
i flare up at cass because of this when we go shopping. she was like saying teng's more prettier than you. i can't wear the clothes, she can wear. i'm more big size. and all that kind of stuff. i was so angry i just practical scolded her. and felt bad after that. i guess she finds it funny that i'm jealous of her and i envy her. i forgave her after a short while. i dun want to lose another friend. it's difficult for me to make friends. so i dun want to lose them. i'm scared. well, teng say i'm more happy go lucky. i dun care lots of stuff. yup. i try to not care lots of stuff. by doing this, it makes me more happy. it makes me not worry so much. makes me think less. maybe teng also envy me. who knows? but i dun think she envy me that much as i envy her.
life's like this. it can be torturing to live on and yet it can be happy to live on. it depends on the way you live your life. that's how i think. ok i think i gtg now. this entry sure is long. haha. k. bye!!! sayonara!!!
