holiday vacation
dear faeriefable
today is another nervous-wrecking and stress day. had chinese O'level orals and totally shrewed it up. i didn't expect to say those english words out during my chinese conversations. i'm so dead!!! why am i always shrewing important things? i can't seem to be doing anything well, can i?
the worst of all things is that i had a big stain on my pinafore. i'm always having my period during important days and events. the same thing happened during the oral for mid year. i was so loss. i didn't know what to do. today it's even worse. it's O level and it have to leak big time!!! well, what has happened has happened and i can't turn back time. so let's just say that it's over. i so wish that i'll do well my chinese O level. i'm counting it in my L1R5!!!
today i was kind of stress too. mainly because of that big leak i had. but partly because i had to collect 3 sets of worksheets from my class and they weren't cooperating by handing it up on time. i almost got scolded by ms tee. i even got ferena to help me. thanks ferena! almost got her scolded by ms tee too. because of the big leak i had, i think i gave ms tee a bad impression today. well, first it's because i was not wearing my pinafore during her lesson. second, because i could not complete the task i was suppose to do, which is to collect the 3 sets of worksheets for her. i'm such a bad physics rep. i'm determined to work hard and score colourfully good grades for my O level. it's not i have decided on what school i'll be going in the future but i feel that it'll determine how far i will go in the future and where i would go. so I WANT TO WORK HARD!
i'm missing the cousins already. i don't know why. but i really miss them. i've been thinking about them lately. and how i wish we could all live together without any adults around and make a living to provide ourselves. i hope they feel the same way. it's so nice and relax to be with them. well, i was thinking about going on a holiday vacation with joanne and amy when i graduated. just the 3 of us. but that's kind of impossible. i've never been abroad before and plus i know my parents would not allow too. considering my family's situation, i think they could not afford me to go overseas for a vacation or so. but thinking of it makes me happy too.
if amy and joanne agrees to it, and we have already planned for it, i bet i'll make that a goal for me achieve it. i'll try asking them. and if they agrees, i think i might consider asking my mum whether she'll allow me. and i'll start saving up so that they do not have to provide me with much. i may even ask mum to make it as a challenge for me so that i would have a goal to look to for my O levels. for instant i have to score a certain number of distinctions or a certain grade so that i could go to the vacation with them. this is so exciting!!! i can't wait to ask amy and joanne about it and maybe we could arrange it!!! oh my gosh, this would be so fun if it really happens!!! going overseas with only the three of us!!! AAHH!!! i can't believe it if it really happens!!! haha.
well, i think that's all for today. bye faeriefable!
love, sweet-treats.
i'll miss him, my good old grandpa.
indeed. many things have happened in this period of time. so many people passing away. so many sudden news. and so many changes to adapt to.
my grandpa just passed away a few days ago. never in my mind did i expect this to happen. on monday, teng, boy and i went to visit him but he was sleeping and we didn't want to wake him up so we just took a look at him and stayed there for like 5 minutes and left. he was weak then but at that time, i thought he was just tired after some treatment or medication and needed some rest. but on friday, teng wanted to go and visit grandpa in the hospital and asked me if i wanted to go along with her and i said: "yes." but at around 5pm-6pm, a phone came and said that he passed away. i didn't expect it to be like this. he was ok when we visited him last week. he talked to us, his mind was clear and could remember a lot of things. but things have to be this way and i have to accept it. it's all so sudden like a volcano just erupted or like tsunami just came without any notice. a few days ago, i was consoling amy on the death of her grandma, and now i have to console myself to be strong. it's so ironic but it's a fact.
what anger me was that the uncle which stayed with my grandpa did not inform us that he was going to passed away when he was at the hospital, grooming my grandpa so that he can breathe his last breath peacefully and handsomely. he knew my grandpa was going to passed away and yet he didn't call us to see him the last time. i've always hated him! he's so evil to do this to us. this concerns a life that's so precious and close to us and he just treat us as garbage. he's so rotten! i hate him!
i regretted not spending enough time with him ever since he moved out of my house. i regretted not seeing him to his last breathe. i regretted that he have to move out of my house. he always love us and do whatever he can for us.
i remember when i was young, he always bought siew mai for me after he picked me up from my kindergarden. i remember when i was in primary school, i forgot to bring an umbrella and it rained after school so i rang him up to call him to pick me and he specially bought me this umbrella, which is so expensive but he bought it because of me, and gave it to me when he picked me up. he even told me to bring it to school everyday so that he won't have to worry about me. that was so sweet and it still is until today. i remember the days he stayed at my house. every chinese new year, he would buy new year cake and fry it for us as he knows we love his way of cooking the chinese new year cake even though mum would say him that he made a mess in the kitchen sometimes. so many sweet and wonderful memories of him doting on us, doing whatever little things that make us so happy.
i will miss him and will remember him forever. i've decided that i want to earn alot of money so that i can buy a big house. it's because of my house which is so small and so many people accomodating in it that my grandpa have to move out. because ying was about to be coming into this world, so there wasn't enough space for my grandpa to stay and my parents have to ask him to stay at that stupid uncle's house. that evildoer!!! i just so wished that my house was big so that, at that time, my grandpa would not have moven out. i know he doesn't want to move out because he even volunteered to sleep in the kitchen. i don't want him to move out. i cried in the night before he moved out. it's so sad...
after so many things have happened, i've learned alot of things about life and i do agree on what amy says in her blog [ myash-girls.blogspot.com ]. life still have to go on even if things don't go your way.
i think i just end here. gtg. bye!
holiday happenings
it's been quite a while since i've blogged. lots of things have happened during these past few days. sad things and happy things. soon, school is going to reopen in like 2 or 3 days time. i've still got lots of homework to do and lots of revision to study. i've been noticing many of my classmates have been mugging the past few days during the holidays but here i am fooling around, enjoying myself so much that i have slacken alot and still in a holiday mood... i don't even feel stress. like i'm just taking things easy and let things just go by naturally... maybe i should stop and mug now and be a nerd in order to achieve my goal. but i know the tv is indeed very attractive to me. i can't resist not switching it on for 1 day. maybe i should just slowly cut down and slowly not watch it already... i shouldn't rush myself... i have to take small steps in order to advance to the next level... ok. slow and easy wins the race. haha.
12 - 15 june was chalet with the cousins. i stayed until 14 june cos on the 15 june, i had to do legacy project with my team. a little sacrifice is worth it cos we managed to finish the project in just 1 day! haha. that was fast! ok, back to the chalet thing. being with the cousins have always made me feel so fortunate to be their family and to be so close to them. i've got to take back my words on the cousins beginning to feel like stranger thing. what rubbish was i talking about! they have proven me wrong and i'm so elated that they did prove me wrong cos i won't want this to happen too. we really enjoyed ourselves and spend every little tiny weeny bit of time we have left. we played, chatted, bbq-ed, cycled, raced, strolled on the beach, camera whoring, swimming too!!! lots of silly stuff too!!! i love the part when we have to take the multiple super duper fast shots on joanne's phone!!! it's so hilarous!!! thinking of it makes me wanna laugh too!!! hahahahaha...
then here comes the sad part. just only about 1 or 2 days after the chalet, and 2 days after our maternal grandma's death anniversary, amy's paternal grandma passed away... very sad to hear that. i was distraught when this bad news was told to me. and the past few days i went to amy's house to attend the funeral... carol da jie must be very sad. she's so close to her ah ma... i know everyone's sad to have someone suddenly not around to nag at you or boss you or even just there, but hey, we just have to live so instead of living so sadly, why not lived happily. isn't it better? try to take things easily ok? i know it's hard. the cousins will always be behind you guys to support you and give you guidance even if we don't know anything... haha. SO I WANNA SEE THAT BIG SMILE OF YOURS NOW!!! hahahahahaha... hope you guys are feeling better now...
ok i think i gtg now. my show is starting... bye!!!
restless
i'm feeling very restless today. and i feel a little sick. think i caught the cold cos yesterday i fell asleep while watching tv. so i ended up sleeping on the sofa with no blanket... and it was raining last night... must be very cold yesterday... so in the morning i woke up because i was feeling cold and wanted to cover myself with the balnket when i found out that i was sleeping outside in the living room. haha.
talked to mrs cheong about the science lab seating arrangement and came to an agreement which i'm not satisfied at all. stupid! i have to sit with the most irritating person in class during science lab lesson. and i can't go back to my seat! i know almaas must be grinning evily now cos she got her way of sitting with limin, her best friend, and then they can talk and laugh together on how i will be tortured by the most irritating person in class... i'll just have to treat this as a challenge for myself... and be more attentive in class and ask the most irritating person to shut up before i'll bash her up! don't know why, i cried while talking to mrs cheong cos i don't want to know the truth that i'll be sitting permanently and changing seat permanently. i don't want things to flare up too. but it turns out the way that i didn't want it to be... that's why i cried and that's why i've been moaning all day because of this situation...
finally finished the secret project present that i wanted to give to amy... hope she'll like it cos i spend a lot of time and effort doing it... i'll kind of please with the end product but the more i look at it, the more i feel it's a little boring... but i'm so excited to see her face when i give this project present to her!!! will she be touched? will she be moved? or will she just accept it and say nothing about it? i hope not... just hope that she'll like it... and the letter cum poem i wrote for her sounds a little weird... haha.
today, i was supposed to have a cousin gathering... seems so impromptu... and many of us can't make it... so it was cancelled. dampen my whole spirit for the whole day. that's why i'm feeling very listless and bored now... i was thinking what will the cousins do together when we meet up... and i couldn't think of any... i couldn't think of what to talk to them... and i couldn't think what to do with them... it sounds kind of sad... seems like we'll soon be strangers already... cos there's like simply no activities to do together anymore... hope it turns out well in the chalet on monday...
the new fridge came today. and it was delievered late to us. it was supposed to be delievered to us between 10am and 3pm. but it came at around 5.30pm. so mum was kind of frustrated... cos she wanted to go out the other aunts to buy materials for the chalet... i think they're not going anymore cos it's kind of late now... feel like going out today. but i have nowhere to go and nothing to do... i'm just simply bored now... i guess the saying "boredom kills" is really true... i just feel so useless. i know that time is very precious but i seem to be wasting time... and i know i cannot buy back time. so once it's gone, it's gone... it'll never come back... but i'm just sitting down, doing nothing, wasting time, waiting for monday to come, waiting for something to do even though i know i got lots of things to do... how stupid and useless am i, huh?
somehow i just feel watching tv is such a chore now... cos i feel like sleeping whenever i watched tv... and i wonder why? a tv addict like me sleeping while watching tv... sounds so absurb...
well, i think i gtg now... bye for now...
broken family
he just came back. she went out with the rest.
the first thing he said to me was: "your mum went to buy fridge is it? she's so rich right? got money to buy fridge but don't want to give me money."
i hate him. i hate her. i hate money. i hate this broken family. money, you're the problem. i don't really remember having a happy family from the day i was born. i don't even remember the day they don't even quarrel. they're always quarrelling or else they would be in a cold war like now. they have not talk to each other for 3 or 5 months already. and i know this will continue till the end of this year or rather forever. i don't even know when it will end or how it will end. maybe never. we're innocent. we're caught in the middle. we're just being dragged in for nothing just because you two can't communicate with one another. i hate you monsters!!! i hate you!
i see happy families all around me. and look at mine. "don't ever think of having this scenery, jo" i tell myself. they'll never make up. amy, joanne, siying, calister... all have happy families but i'll never have it. i admire them. i'm jealous of them. i feel the hope they have that i don't. i feel the happiness they have that i don't. i feel the bliss they have that i don't. they're so fortunate. i wish i would part of that story and not this.
they ruin my childhood. or rather i don't even have a childhood. i have nightmares all over. no dreams. no nothing. all aura of unfortunate stuff. when will i be out of this tale? when will i run away from this? when will this nightmare end? never i know. but i still wish it would.
there's no end to it...
GET OUT
time, will you come back?
time, can i bring back?
time, did you hear me?
i'm calling you...
time, you're so lifeless.
time, you're so heartless.
time, you're so thoughtless.
i'm wanting you...
come and go
you fade away
memories stays
i lose you forever
childish i am
for even i know you'll never return
i'm waiting for the day for you to stay and never go away
as it's the happy moments that stays
that keeps me going
but sad it is
only to reminisce them
for i know i'll never come back...
[unfinished...]
hey peeps. i'm back. feeling kind of down now. it's like time is just passing by and i'm like wasting it, let my hand off it. the holidays are here and i'm not really enjoying it. i just feel that i'm doom for sure cos i know i'm not making full use of time and i'm not spenting my day so fully. i just sit around thinking of things i want to do, things i need to do and things i want to share. but i'm not doing anything. i'm just some useless being, wasting time, wasting life and wasting stuff. i miss people i love, people i want to be with my whole life. but they are not there, they're busy, they've got things to do better than wasting their time on me. i want to leave this place, leave this home and leave this family. this stupid broken family. my scattered glass heart on the floor and no one wants to pick it and mend it. cos there's no one there. no one to reach their hand and pull me up when i fall. cos in this broken family, no one cares.
i hate my father. i hate my mother. and i hate money. i don't hate my siblings cos they're innocent. i so wish i could run away from here and never come back. or i wish to go back happy times, where i would just leave in a world where all my cousins are, all my loved ones. just them will do. but i know it'll just be an unfulfilled dream, an ungranted wish. why is it that i have to live in such a cold home when it's supposed to be bringing warmth? i dread going home. i trying to shun home as much as possible. can they get out of my life? they add misery to me only.
so GET OUT NOW! I HATE YOU!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
