GP is a killer!
dear faeriefable
i'm very worried and stress for my GP paper this coming monday. i've never pass my GP before and i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail this one too. it's for the mid years and i want do well in it. but GP seems so difficult to even score. the previous test that mr max gave seriously made a big impact on me. it just shows that i'm not good at essay writing and that i don't have good organisation skills. i've spend so little time on planning my essay that i kept cancelling the words i've written down. i didn't even finished half the essay i was suppose to write in the given time. now, i don't have to confidence that i will finish my paper on time this coming monday. it's just to hard for me to write an essay in a given time. i've always spent hours and hours writing on one single essay as homework. now that there's a limited time given to complete one essay, i think i will not be able to do it. i guess i'm not fit to be in a JC. i'm not capable at all.
the week has finally past. i've been dozing off unknowingly at home while doing homework, watching tv and even eating! i can't believe that i'm actually making it a habit now. man! this is bad!! i've got to kick out of it! JO, YOU CANNOT SLEEP SO MUCH!!!
well, i've been avoiding to come home early. i just don't want to face the adults at home. this problematic family is getting on my nerves and it makes me and sibling scared sometimes. their actions are so unpredictable and i don't want to know more about it. it just seems so hard to believe. all along, we've been thinking that there will be hope between them but i guess it has reached the limit. our hopes are dashed and we've got to accept the fact that they just can't get along. how can one still be together with the other when one fears the other? i guess not. i have a broken family and i admit it. all the happy scenes are just a facade to show to the people outside. i don't want to act no more. it's just too fake. it's too much for the young ones to take in the family. i know we've grown much more mature and can understand how mum is feeling right now. all we need to know it's papa's side of the story. i don't want to bias but somehow after hearing what happened to mum, i just simply can't communicate with papa. i've been looking at him with disapproving eyes and i just feel disturbed when he talks to me. the reason? i don't know. i kind of hate him right now because of what he did to mum. i don't know. maybe i'm just being bias. maybe it's the illness in him that's causing his bad temper. argh!
the problems at home somehow made the sibling-hood grow stronger. i've been having many heart to heart talks with teng, joyce and boy. it feels good to have siblings when you need them the most. i'm so glad i can confide to them when family problems arises. teng has suffered a great blow. and it's pretty shocking to hear how the family has affect ying's behaviour, feelings and actions. i really want ying to live in a happy family and have a happy childhood like what all of us had when we were young. i guess this can't be made possible with the current situation. all i can do now is to try to give what i can give to her.
i've been procrastinating alot. i'm suppose to study GP right now, but i just don't have the mood to do so. i've not even completed one single topic. i'm so dead! GP makes me think of english and i don't like english. i'm bad at it and i'm such a loser! my foundation for english is still not up. and i'm not making any progress for GP. damn! i blame myself for not reading much when i was young. i don't even have time to read up now, not even the newspapers. argh!! i just hate this feeling of not wanting to do something but know that i have to do it. SOMEONE SAVE ME!!! WAH!
i gtg now. i think i took too long a break already. back to GP now. argh! bye!
why?
dear faeriefable
i've been hearing lots of bad news recently. now, i'm in a state of confusion, lost and shock. these problems are just too much for me to handle and i don't even think i'm prepared for it. my family is in a chaotic state and i feel such a loser not being able to do much about these problems for them. i know some can't be solved. joyce and teng just cried after observing my mum's behaviour just now. i'm very scared too. i don't know what to do. what happened to her? why is she behaving like this? why of all days, it has to happen today? argh!!! i don't want these to happen! i'm already trying so hard to cope with school work and all already. i've already reached my limit in trying to cope. now, with this added burden or stress, i'm afraid i might just break and cry.
i haven't had enough sleep lately with all the tests and exams for the past few days. finally, i could catch some breathe and take a breather when all these troubles have to come looking for me. i'm seriously very worried for my family now. it's so hard to piece out this torn and broken family protrait of mine. tension just keep increasing and hostility towards each other is so strong. i have only my siblings to rely on now. some truths just can't be made known to world even if our relationship is so close. i feel like telling jet but i know i mustn't. i really think all these should be kept a secret. i'm tempted to tell jet. other than my siblings, he's the only one that i can consult to.
why? why? why? i just don't understand. why the sudden change in behaviour? why must it be this time of the year? why can't i do anything to make the situation better?
who will answer to my "why"?
dear faeriefable
i can't wait for tomorrow or even sunday! i'm going to meet joanne! yay! plus, we're going to try out something new together and we'll be spending time together too! i'm so excited! haha.
i had GP class mock test earlier the day and i totally screwed it up. i only wrote 2 supporting points and no more! i'm so dead! i know mr max is going to tell me to get the withdrawal form. i seriously think that i really need to buck up especially GP. i expected that i couldn't finish the paper today and i really did. argh! why do i always have trouble in english and essay writing! i'm always having problems with my languages! argh!!! i'm such a failure! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
i've also made a speech today during wushu. my heart was pounding so hard and was so nervous. i don't even think i can get a position in the exco. i really think that my JC life would be terrible. it'll only be filled with studies studies and more studies! there's like nothing more than that. i don't want it to be like this. i want to commit to something fun. sometimes when i look at the house com, i will regret not filling the form and at least have the courage to take that opportunity. but i know i won't get it. i'm worrying for my testimonial now. i can predict that it's going to be empty. i can see that future will be very dim and that no school would want a loser like me. i'm so dead! why did i even land myself into this position! i'm feel so down now, thinking about this. i don't have much confidence now. i look at the people around me in school and i think about them being all so successful and me standing on the same spot where it says "square one". i really think that i've no talent, no good qualities and no future. will someone help me?!?! WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
i can feel the tsunami of homework now. i have exams for all subjects next week and i've yet to complete my homework and revise. i've done lots of procrastination and it's seriously going to affect me in future. moreover, my intention of doing work has never been fulfilled and i'm practically going to end up retaining one year in JC or proceed on to poly. i feel so dead and stress! i know everyone's feeling it but they seem to be coping pretty well. i want to be able to cope well and do well as a 100% muggable but fun student. i know this would never be possible. how can i have the time to have fun when i need to mug at the same time? this is so impossible! argh!!!
i gtg now. i know this entry is pretty pessimistic. the only thing that i'm looking forward would be joanne. i'm sure she'll be an energy booster to me. i definitely need her and jet to give me support now. i'm afraid i might break down any moment. stress level is so damn high! well, bye!
my dreaded school life
dear faeriefable
it's been a while since i've posted the previous entry. life's been pretty busy these few days, with the pile of homework and tight school schedule. school life hasn't change much. it's just the same old timetable with different types of lecturers giving lectures. haha.
well, i haven't been sleeping well these few days. sometimes, i just refuse to get up until my brother repeatedly call me up. i'm dreading school. it's not fun and it's not interesting anymore. i guess i'm tired of schooling but i know i can't regret now since i've chosen this path from the very start. the competition is so tense that i feel like screaming my heads out to all the people around me to just GO AWAY! maybe i'm just too stress. i've been giving myself too much pressure already. relax jo! relax!!!
i've attended the second wushu training already. i want to be flexible!! there's so many moves that i just can't do and it's only the basics! i feel such a loser in wushu. and the people there aren't as fun-loving and friendly as the people in volleyball. competition is high there too. everyone is aiming to be in the competition team. i know i won't be able to make it there. they're just too good compared to me. sometimes, i just feel like giving up and stop losing my face, doing those stunts that look so retarded on me. yet i can't regret. because this is another choice i've chosen right from the start. the difference lies only in my willingness. i feel i've chosen it by mistake. such a sad case. -sigh-
i'm almost done for PI and i'm so glad it's over! haha. however, i feel that my PI is not up to standard. the words seems to be so little and there's so many short forms! moreover, my identification on my groundbreaker is so short! this is bad! i sense a bad omen that i'm going to get pretty low for my PI although many have told me that i worry too much or thinking too much unneccessary stuff. haha.
i've also just got my PW grouping and i'm quite satisfied with it. i'm grouping with rachel, jasmine, sherman and zhi guan! yay!! haha. hope we'll work fine together. i'm sure there would be conflicts within the group sooner or later. but i'm positive that we're going to go through it and emerge as a team filled with great enthusiasm, cooperation and tolerance. i hope they would tolerate with my annoying nonsenses and irritating questions. really hope that we will be a great team together. GAMBATE!!!
i feel like learning yoga. am i crazy to think about that?
i gtg now. bye!
