FREEDOM AND SANITY
dear faeriefablefinally this is my 150th post! it's so amazing that i'm still updating this blog, although not very frequently. well, today's a break for me after all the hard work for promos. it's actually quite boring. i've been playing pictionary the whole day and also went to search some songs. i'm having this urge to go to the library to borrow books. maybe it's because of jet's influence that i feel like reading. he made reading sound so fun and interesting. i don't like reading but after all the talk that i've been having jet, reading doesn't seem a chore after all. i shall see about that when i go to the library later. haha.
well, trinity college sent me a letter with the application form to fill for the summer camp. so exciting!!! i can't wait to go there! i can't wait to take the plane and make overseas friends! i wonder what's the weather like there! haha. oh my gosh! talking about all this is making all so excited and high! haha. but i still have to see my grades and i really hope to get the scholarship so that it will help me cut costs. i want a room mate too! room mate sound so fun! sound like staying over at my cousin's house! i want stay overs in my holiday! i want chalets and lots and lots of up-coming fun! haha. i want too much i guess.
back to the serious mode. i'm trying to run away. i know it's bad to run away but i'm feeling pretty controlled. i just want to restart the whole Christianity thing. i just want to go back and say that i'm comfortable being a free thinker. i don't want to tell me people that i believe in a religion when i'm not really believing it. instead, i've been questioning Him all the time and sometimes i think it's very rude. i've been suspecting Him, suspecting all his believers and suspecting all his teaching. i'm not saying that the teaching is bad. in fact, it's good and has lots of moral values to impart. but i need evidence. i need to know whether it's true. it's like all talk but no actions. and i don't see Him and i don't feel Him. how do you expect me to believe Him? and i've tried believing and it makes it worse. it makes me feel stupid and dumb. now that i'm sure i want to be a free believer, i feel like telling the people who have made an effort on me in believing Him that i wish to go back to freedom. i want to tell them but i don't know how. and they keep asking me to go to church and worship when i don't believe it. sometimes, the teaching goes against my principles. so i admit that i somehow regret joining them to be a christian. and where is He when i need help? maybe He doesn't even exist. maybe it's just all a lie that everyone got con into. maybe they are deprive of a soul seeker so they look into a religion. and how can He help me in my family situation? i've been facing it since i was young and i don't see much improvements. i don't see mum and dad talking properly for years already. i don't see my broken family mended back. so how can you tell me that He saves me and that he knows what's good for me, when all along i've been facing all these and you're telling me a broken family is good for me and that i will be stronger if i had a broken family? rubbish!
so i've decided to go back to being a free thinker. but the main problem now is how to let my words out to the believers? i know they will feel upset and i don't want them to be upset. yet, i don't want to fake it and pretend. i want to be true. i want them to see me as someone real. can someone tell me how to tell them? this situation is difficult. and they keep telling me to go to church. and they keep telling me to go out with them to chill when i'm always feeling confuse, lost and fake in front of them. i don't want all these! i want them as friends but i don't want to hurt them. JO, TELL THEM AND YOU'LL BE TRUE TO YOURSELVES AND THEM TOO! tell me! i'll tell them soon i guess. soon...
( argh! this christianity thingy is driving me mad! i'm going berserk! i want my sanity back! argh!!! )
i feel like blading! i missed it so much! the breeze, the speed and the fall! haha. it's all so nice! thinking about it, makes me want to blade now. so, off i go blading! bye!
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